Chapter 3

The Feeling Of Love

Days go by, I have managed to stay focused on work and friends. Unfortunately, life happens and the feeling of lust can happen suddenly, especially when you are around that person much. It's almost like fate has a plan for me at times. My son's dad Haniel stays with Anex for the weekend, I decided to stay behind and live a little with my co-workers. I've always had sexual feelings for Alvis but never personal, more like fun. Today they are different, from a dance to spending time away from our work personalities, something took over. Ever lost your mind before, I haven't not till today, I turned around and couldn't neglect the need of his lips on mine, I kissed him, to my surprise he responded. I get on my train thinking of the fact I couldn't just let him go, it disturbs me a little but I don't dwell on it.

I thought work would be awkward but we continued as if nothing happened, I focused harder to avoid distraction. The moment everyone had gone and it was just him and me I couldn't help it, my curiosity gets the best of me, I go up to Alvis and kiss him he responds, things get a little heated, we decided to meet up in my place after work. The last time I decided I was ready to move on it didn't work out so well, the kisses felt forced and I couldn't be comfortable in another men's arms. I missed Fenox it didn't feel right and I hurt a friend, I don't, lie if my heart isn't in it, it's just not. I won't waste someone's time and try to make it work out. The memory of him kissing me, touching, and holding me, become hurtful when I wished it was Fenox and the fear of not being able to move on made me feel trapped.

He comes over, a couple of drinks and kisses. I wasn't scared to hurt and I finally wasn't thinking of Fenox. He kisses passionately as if he planned this in his head a million times, he starts to undress me as I undress him, he has an incredible body, I'm not much for working out but I can say I enjoyed him like a piece of art. He kisses me, holds my breast to my waist to my thighs, into I couldn't take it no more and begged him to let me feel him. 3 rounds of fun not once was I thinking of Fenox, we watch tv and I fall asleep in his arms, he leaves in the morning, I'm just happy to know I can move on, but deep inside hoping Fenox doesn't love me back. Can I turn down the only person I can let make love to me, I know I can't, but what if I had no choice.

Deep in my thoughts, I remember my dads' words, "love is so strong that happiness is all you want for the person you love even if it hurts you, in order to love you must stop being selfish". I got the saying the world seems to revolve around us, our dreams who we are, every sentence starts with I, it's hard to think about someone else and what makes them happy. Love whether its friendship, family, children or a significant other should mean you want each other to be happy, I'm not a fan of corporations and holidays but Christmas is beautiful by getting someone something special to let them now they are acknowledged. Ambition is good into it is overused, in this world people no longer get deserved promotions, people work hard and the ones who use people get that promotion. We are taught ethics but what is business when you get your siblings to work a job they aren't qualified for just because they are family, you have responsible working people who show up every day, do things correctly, and acknowledge their mistakes yet no one is moving up the ladder for being hard working, but because they were born into a family. The job becomes hostile employees know what's going on but they stay quiet to feed their family and pay their bills. People often say I don't have ambition, I don't want to be rich and corrupt, just stable as well as at peace, what people choose to ignore to get to the top is still happening. It is still wrong, whether you ignore it or not. People often choose to say they aren't ambitious enough, I choose to say you can't look at a person and see who they are as well as what they've been through. If you want to have an honest conversation let's start with pointing out truths and not covering the truth with excuses that will make higher ups seem better. The rich are selfish cold-hearted people that just write their nice deeds in taxes as well as media coverage but deep inside they don't care, when they see a homeless man in the streets they assume the man is on drugs, what if he was gentrified? Since business always is for the rich the value of the worker has lessened, people treat people like all that matters is how much they make. Sad really how humanity is in extinction. The Creator made us with love and the Destroyer destroys love with lust, lust of money, material things and fake bodies with fake faces.

Alvis knows a lot about me, feels good not having to explain a lot, he knows about Fenox and that I'm not ready to settle. Sometimes I think of the possibilities, that beauty muscular body and the way I feel at peace when he holds me, I lay down and play with his beard, for a moment I want this moment to last forever. Appreciation is not something I feel too often in life but when I'm with him I feel appreciated, I don't have to be super woman no more, it's ok to be Ausra.

As I walk to work, my dream with Fenox reappeared, he appears in the mist, "it doesn't have to end this way" he whispers, he grabs me, looks at me in the eyes and asked "why are you doing this?", "I have seen the other ending Ausra", I respond "you didn't see everything, you can't see all the things I see, you are viewing my future, I am viewing the whole picture". I snapped out of my daydream to a crowded city street and a lot of noise, felt so weird, like he was actually speaking to me telepathically, almost as if he found a way in my thoughts. I stopped thinking about it, I'm pretty sure I've been in my head too long. I focus on work and let destiny take charge, all this over thinking is giving me a headache. I go home close my eyes and have a weird dream, white clouds, a man spoke "it's time my child", I responded, "who are you?", he replied "the Creator" I look in confusion "that's impossible" I continued "am I dead?" He smiled "momentarily ".

The Creator is real, he looked at me "Ausra, we met before, do you remember?" I reply "I do remember, I went to a retreat, I passed out, I was crying and you were holding me, you told me it wasn't my time, you told me I had to go back. I woke up with people shaking me but I thought it was nearly a dream." He said "no, I nearly needed to speak to you" I look blindly into his eyes "if that's the case what's your message today?" He sighed "I sent you down there for a reason, I erased your memory to keep you bias but soon I will need an answer and your memory will come back." I woke up from my sleep nearly breathing, staring blankly at the sealing, wondering what's next.

Chapter 3 Inspired By: Lifehouse - What Ever it Takes

Nonso Amadi - Tonight