I HATE LOVING YOU!

A few hours later... I have no contact with Hiroki, nor with Naoki, it was so uncomfortable to have to see them that I just avoided them. It would be more tense to have to sleep with him, in the same room? What should I do; I practically performed a tantrum giving him to understand that I like him when it dawned on me that he liked Kyoto. "But how stupid."

I sit in the meadow with Hiroki's bow next to me... and I really don't want it in my sight, but now it's the only thing that can protect myself. Suddenly I feel a very penetrating look next to me, I turn my face and it's.... Hiroki, he is staring at me and seems to want to get closer. The truth is that I feel so comfortable here that I feel lazy to leave, but... I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him and I don't pretend to apologize either, I watch him for a couple of minutes, I get up from the grass a little wet from yesterday's rain. He opens his mouth a little, wanting to say something; I glare at him and turn my back on him and walk away.

-Wait! - he exclaims from the other side, but I don't want to stop, I start to move faster so as not to hear him and not to have to talk to him, because I know that if I give him another chance he will hurt me again and I really... I don't want to suffer anymore.

I go back to the mansion very annoyed to go to dinner, I throw the bow as far as possible from me, Aunt Akiyama calls me to go to eat, I give a long and stressful sigh, Hiroki's scent is very impregnated in the whole room that stresses me to be in this place, but... I don't have where else to sleep.

I head to where only Aunt Akiyama serves for the two of us, I wonder where Naoki is and if Hiroki will come for dinner.

-Where are the boys? - I ask very confused to the aunt, she answers me in that Hiroki decided to have dinner at his brother's house and spend the night and Naoki didn't want to have dinner. The truth... I feel very relieved that they are not there, it would be very uncomfortable to have to see them after what happened, I sit with the aunt, but it didn't help much either, she looks at me strange and I'm acting strange staying quiet, since the usual thing is that we talk about anything, but I don't feel like starting a conversation.

-Why did you fight? - she asks me indiscreetly without losing sight of me, I raise my face without having to answer... but... I can't go on... keeping it to myself.

-Your nephew is an idiot - I answered her directly and with sincerity, she is surprised by my answer and gives a little laugh.

-What did he do to you? - she asks me very interested while she is eating.

-He's jealous! We had a huge fight... and... he told me lies - I don't love him. he told me lies - I don't want to tell him more since he doesn't need more information, besides, if I tell him the truth he will complain.

- Hiroki... it's Hiroki... let's say he's jealous because he knows he's insecure and he's very explosive and foolish.

- I know - I answer her, she laughs sympathetically.

- But Hiroki... is a very tender being... really - I frown at her.

- Aunt Akiyama... there's something you should know... he... he treated me like a real jerk and was very rude - I tell her to stop defending him, he is what he is, she looks at me very confused and I explain her the whole story since I can't keep it to myself, she listens to me attentively. At the end of my story in her eyes she can't believe that she took seriously what I told her.

- Daughter... I can't believe he did such an outrageous thing... I don't know why he is like that, he is not like that... believe me - I look at her without having the words because I can't understand that behavior - he is proud... but he is not bad...

- Aunt... What do I do... everything that you tell me... everything you tell me about him is confusing me... every day that goes by he confuses me... I can't understand what's going on - she looks at me very pleased wanting to encourage me.

- Give it time... - she tells me serenely, tucking my hair behind my ear. I look up so I don't cry and smile at her very grateful for being like a mother.

Suddenly we hear the door of the mansion, Aunt Akiyama opens it, and in front of her is Kimura, Hiroki's brother. He explains something to Aunt Akiyama that I can't understand, I hope it's nothing bad. The aunt says goodbye to him and goes back to sit down to eat, I ask her what's going on and she explains that Hiroki won't come to sleep for a while, she didn't want to give him any more explanations.

I go to sleep remembering what he said a while ago, to give him time and wait... but I'm so disappointed for the mistreatment he caused me and it wasn't fair that he treated me that way... When I was in the meadow... I think I should have listened to him, but I must also admit that I am very proud of myself.

I stay tossing and turning in bed all night without being able to rest peacefully, but I can't... even if I'm alone, because of Hiroki's scent that is all over the room, it makes me feel like I'm here, but when I look at the corner... and I see that empty space, it's like I'm a ghost, and the loneliness consumes me completely.

The next day I wake up with a dead face, with a lot of dark circles under my eyes, I was only thinking about what happened yesterday, the fight Hiroki and I had and if I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking about Soshi, at least to know that he was ok and that at least Satoshi didn't kill him, he knew he was my best friend; I couldn't expect more from that wretch than a possible murder against my best friend.

I keep myself in the forest, thinking and trying to practice, but it was difficult, my concentration fails me that I can't help but feel guilty for what happened; but I'm not the only one writing the verse, Hiroki also had something to do, he lied to me saying that he no longer felt anything for her, but what if that's so, will it be that he actually convinced himself that he didn't feel anything to not carry so much pain, I give a long sigh of anguish.

I hear something among the trees that leaves me very alarmed, I look behind me and shoot without care.

-Hey!" exclaims a familiar voice, the person comes out of the bushes, it's Kimura carrying a hat and a basket full of straw, "Quiet! - I lowered the bow, very sorry for having shot him, thank God I didn't manage to kill him, much less hurt him.

-I'm sorry - I apologize very sorry for my clumsiness.

-You are very dangerous with that bow - he smiles very joking, he makes me laugh a lot with his witticisms - I see that Hiroki is not with you this time... he went out this morning and he didn't tell me where he was going, I supposed he was going to see you - I look at him without wanting to talk about Hiroki, he notices my discomfort.

-He... never says where he is going...

-He's someone reserved -he answers me feeling the cold conversation -Naomi... listen... I know Hiroki can be a lout sometimes... but as I saw him yesterday, more serious than usual... I can see in his eyes that he is very sorry - he tries to convince me like Aunt Akiyama, but I find it hard to believe them after what he told me so harshly yesterday, that he doesn't protect me by his will and that hurt me that they played with me.

-Kimura... I don't know... he... he's an idiot... he lied to me.

-No... -he interrupts me coming closer -believe me... just give him time -he tries to give me a hug, I see Hiroki in the distance watching us, I move away from Kimura not to make him angry and avoid the hug so there wouldn't be any misunderstanding... Kimura notices my strangeness, he looks back where I was pointing with my eyes and notices his brother who glares at him for talking to me - I think I got into trouble.... - he says forcing a joking smile - don't worry I'll go talk to him... he probably thinks I'm going to steal his beloved - he winks at me very nice and very kind to me. I don't understand the contrast with Hiroki and his family, he is the most serious and doesn't like to play... besides he is too proud, but... he has that generosity that captivates me and remembering everything he has done for me... makes me lose my breath.

At the end of the practice, I'm on my way to the mansion; but in the whole center of the village there were guards, many people very confused... and there was.... Satoshi?

I freeze immediately without understanding what to do, he... was riding a horse with his white Kimono and a purple cape... At that moment I can only say that it's a dream or an illusion, it can't be true that he found us.

I feel that someone takes me by the waist and covering my mouth without saying anything, we entered the mansion and I could see that it was Naoki. He saw my shocked and scared face when I observed that there was Satoshi, the man I dreamed of destroying after he destroyed my life; the man who made my life miserable "H-how did he.... Did he find us?" Hiroki approaches me worriedly with much silence to know if I'm okay, I look at him terrified kneeling by the door.

- Are you okay? - he whispers, but I don't answer him, he only sees my face of terror, of fear, of surprise, I was so shocked that I just let out, tears from the chest pain that accumulated from the contempt. He has me perch on his lap and looks behind the door carefully so as not to be detected.

- Princess Naomi! - exclaims the voice so irritating that it only made me suffer - I know you're here!.... If only you could hear me to tell you that I am truly sorry, truly what I did, I did it to protect you! I didn't mean to! Please come out! - I really wanted to come out and shoot him in his forehead, but on the other hand I'm afraid to do it, I'm afraid to die, I'm afraid of Satoshi! - I have Soshi with me! - I open my eyes in surprise and look behind the door, if he was telling the truth, Soshi was intact, he doesn't have a single blow, he is healthy riding a horse without understanding what he is doing with that traitor- let's meet if you want in the forest at noon so we can talk! - he concludes.

I don't want to go out, I'm so scared that I don't dare, but I have to, I approach the door to go out without a bow, but Hiroki stops me hugging me.

- Are you crazy?! Do you want to die?!" he warns me hysterically, I looked at him doubtfully without knowing what to tell him, just waiting for his consolation.

- I don't know... Hiroki I'm scared, I can't do anything else but think about killing Satoshi... I have no choice...- I collapse at his feet with such a deep wound in my heart, crying and desperate. He hugs me tightly and I know in his heart he apologizes.

I have to do it alone and he knew it, it was the way to test me; but he poisoned me with the hatred I just wanted to forget and yet I wasn't strong enough to make that decision.

-I can't let you die... I don't want you to die - Hiroki apologizes in regret, very sad, but he knows that if I don't do it there could be more consequences.

Aunt Akiyama lends me a kimono, at the top it was white and at the bottom it was red, I wore a waist band of the same color, but a little lighter and a golden buckle of a flower; I tied my hair in a low tail with a white ribbon.

I'm ready to defeat Satoshi and end this eternal suffering, but.... Will it really be worth it, even if I kill him he won't bring me back to my parents. But I don't want it to be in vain and even less the death of my father that was caused by him. I see Hiroki quite serious posing on the door of our room. He doesn't want to look me in the eyes; I was afraid that the worst would happen, but I'm not alone, I know that if something happens Hiroki will come to look for me and he won't let me die.

-I'll be fine... -I said with a pleased look for his expression, I touched his face with delicacy not to be afraid anymore, he looks at me sad and blushed. I take the bow ready... for what I was going to do, aunt and Naoki look at me sad including Hiroki, but they don't look very worried since they were going to be protecting me anyway... they just want to respect my wish to kill him with my own hands.

-I know you're strong, you'll be fine," Hiroki said with a smile, I nod touched. I sigh a little nervously getting ready.

-Here I go! - I leave the mansion. I head to the forest with my heart in my mouth. Every time I take a step I feel the nerves burning my skin, my stomach twists, I have all the anger on me.

I'm getting to the meeting point and from far away I see Satoshi alone, with his back turned and it reminded me of the time I saw him in the palace, it was the same day he killed my father after I gave him my heart. His black hair no longer looked attractive to me and I felt absolutely nothing for him. It was disappointment, I no longer felt anything for him but an infinite rancor burning my veins and poisoning my soul. I stand behind him. He notices me and turns around smiling.

-Naomi... I'm glad to see you - he smiles cheekily "he's cheeky" "how dare he smile like that, as he usually does?". I didn't answer him, I look at him so cold. His face changed when he saw my expression using the same technique as in the palace-Naomi.... I don't like to see you like this - he said with sad gestures that seemed fake to me.

-Then don't come back, you.... You ruined my life- I said irritated with a headache.

-I'm sorry that you see things like that, but it's not what happened... I didn't mean to hurt you... I...

-Silence! - I interrupt him very angry, and pointing with the bow - you killed my father to keep the throne, You lied saying that Hiroki and Naoki are kidnappers You lied about your feelings!!! I gave you everything to end up in this hell and I'm still standing!.... I hate you! - I exclaim about to shoot.

-Do you really think that about me?! Naomi what I felt was real and it still is. I really haven't stopped thinking about you, I still want to marry you. - he looks at me so "distressed".

- Stop lying! - "Liar!.... He's a liar!". My eyes watered and I feel my heart and head heavy.

- Naomi...- he throws himself to give me a hug preventing me from shooting him, he makes me miss the arrow by moving my bow - excuse me...- he apologizes with a trembling voice. My eyes couldn't take it anymore and crystallized crying on his shoulder, I let go of the bow to get away from his breath that I don't want to smell.

-Let go of me! - I try to push him away, but he is stronger. My head was burning. He refuses to let go of my body. "Naomi... Why didn't you kill him?" -further away! -Satoshi, I don't want to see you! Let go of me! - I hit him to make him let go, but he refuses, he's stronger than me- I'll never forgive you! Let me go! - I hit him harder- I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!.... - I exclaim how sad I am for being so weak- I hate you!.... - Somehow I was forgiving him, I hear his sobs - don't you dare to play with me.... Liar...- I put my arms on his lap. I cry on his chest that didn't seem so warm to me, I missed just now Hiroki's lap. But deep inside I feel that I collapsed again to Satoshi's arms. He hugs me tighter without giving me escape....

This is where I ask myself why I didn't kill him, could it be that I still have feelings for Satoshi, he was my first love... and now I know that I am failing myself by having to forgive him, in that I am being unfaithful to Hiroki by not ending this and having to return to the same game, to the same point... at the same time.... I can feel Satoshi's gentleness... but not his sincerity like before, not the same emotion, I can't feel the same "why did you do it?" I asked him in my head without understanding... why he hasn't killed me, why he is hugging me looking sorry.... why am i forgiving you... i don't know the answer....