Chapter 15

“Why do you close your eyes every time I touch you?”

“Do you want me to answer that honestly?” Renee asked.

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

Renee sighed and said, “Because I’m trying not to jerk away from you. I’m trying to forget who it is that’s touching me.”

“Are you imagining someone else is touching you?”

Renee’s head jerked up and she looked at Jesse. Had he figured out that she had imagined Kevin touching her before? His eyes held anger, but there was a hint of something else there as well. Jealousy? Sadness? What was it? If she could just bring herself to see him as an attractive man who wanted to have sex with her then she may be able to enjoy his touch, but all she could think about was how he had continuously raped her and hurt her over and over again.

“No. All I can think about is what comes with your touch, and it’s never a good feeling. So, I just try to disconnect my mind. You wanted to know the truth, there it is,” Renee said as she crossed her arms over her breasts, feeling embarrassed.

“Fine. Close your eyes, but don’t disconnect yourself. Just let yourself feel a touch. Don’t think of me touching you. Just think of it like a man touching you and bringing you pleasure. Allow yourself to participate and see where it goes.”

“I can’t. It’s all I can do not to jerk away as soon as I see you coming towards me.”

When Renee looked at him, he saw the fear in her eyes. She had never let him see it before. No matter how much he had hurt her, she had remained defiant. She had never once showed him fear, just anger. She had bottled up her pain and turned it into hatred. Showing him vulnerability was new for her. It struck something deep inside of him. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and moved his face close to hers.

He felt her body tense as she waited for him to get angry and hit her. When he didn’t, her eyes widened in surprise. He brushed his lips lightly against hers and moved his hands around so he could grab her hands. He placed them on his chest as he moved back slightly.

“I know what I did to you and I know it’s hard for you to move past. I know you expect me to hit you or do worse to you every time I touch you. I can understand your dislike of me, but I am trying to do better. Look at me, really look at me, while I touch you. I want you to touch me, too. If it gets to be too much for you, then I will stop.”

Renee bit her lip. She didn’t believe him. This was a ploy to get her to trust him so he could punish her when she didn’t do something he wanted. She just knew it. Jesse let go of her hands and moved back from her. She watched him as he slowly undressed. Again she tried to look at him as a woman would who wanted to sleep with him. She tried to think of him as just some random guy she had picked up at a bar.

Jesse stepped up to her and he ran his hands up her arms and over her collarbone. His hands moved up her neck and into her hair. He began to play with it as he ran his fingers through it. When she felt his fingers massaging her scalp, her eyes closed. He wanted her to look at him, but he didn’t tell her to open her eyes back up. In fact, he knew she was enjoying what he was doing so he didn’t mind her closing her eyes. He leaned in and kissed her as his fingers continued to massage her scalp.

He lightly ran his tongue across her bottom lip. Her lips parted and he moved his tongue inside her mouth. Renee placed her hands on his chest and began to kiss him back as her body relaxed into him. His fingers were working magic on her as playing with her hair and scalp was just so relaxing. And having a guy do it had always been one of her turn-ons.

Jesse moved his fingers through her hair and then slowly ran his fingertips down her back. He felt her start to shake and he knew she was feeling fear but she didn’t stop him. He broke the kiss and moved back just enough to have a little space in between them. He began to kiss down her neck to her collarbone as his hands lightly trailed down her back to her butt. He felt her hands slowly move up his chest to his shoulders.

He lifted her up and she quickly wrapped her legs around him as her arms slid around his neck. She yelped as he moved towards the bed. He made little soothing noises in her ear as he slowly laid her down on the bed, following behind. She released her grip on him and he went to work on making her feel good. His touch was light on her body as his lips placed featherlight kisses where his hands had been.

“Look at me, Renee. I’m not going to hurt you. See me for who I really am,” Jesse pleaded as he placed another kiss on her lips.

Her breathing had quickened, but, he knew it was from fear. She hadn’t told him to stop so he kept going. If she did, then he would keep his word to her and leave her be. He kissed and sucked her breasts as his hand slowly made its way down to her thigh. He felt her body tense back up as his fingers brushed her folds. Jesse looked at her and saw her eyes were open.

He moved so she was looking directly into his eyes. He didn’t move so she was looking at him the entire time he moved his fingers back and forth over her. Her breathing started to slow from the erratic pace it had. Her fingers loosened their tight grip on his shoulders and began to explore his back. Jesse took his hand from her and he saw her eyes flick to his hand as he placed his fingers in his mouth.

“Don’t tense up,” Jesse said as he slowly pushed his fingers inside of her.

He saw her eyes close and felt her body tense slightly and he knew she was fighting her own body. He continued to go slow with her as his fingers moved slowly in and out of her. She wasn’t as wet as he would like but she was somewhat wet. Her body had responded to his touch even if it was only slightly. He kissed his way down her neck to her breasts, and her back arched as he began to suck her nipple. He had to force his hand to slow back down as her reaction had excited him and his hand had picked up its pace.

Renee closed her eyes as his hand drew close to her inner thigh. She knew what he was going to do and it frightened her. She knew the doctor had said she was completely healed but she was waiting for the pain to come. It surprised her when it didn’t. Jesse was being really gentle and sweet with her like it was her first time having sex. She was afraid and couldn’t get past it. She was fighting her own body to relax and she was winning to a certain degree. With her eyes closed, she could think of someone else besides Jesse. But, when her eyes had been open, Jesse had made sure that she was staring into his eyes. The look in them had been gentle.

She felt him begin to kiss down her body. His mouth took over where his hands had been before. He kissed and sucked and licked her breasts, and started making his way down her stomach. He nipped her side and she jerked. It slightly tickled but was also one of her turn-ons. He kissed his way down to her hip and began to lick lazy circles on it. Renee’s breathing quickened again, but this time, it wasn’t from fear.

Jesse felt Renee jerk when he nipped her side, but her reaction was different when she jerked this time. Her body jerked and it tightened around his fingers. When he began to lick her hip, he felt her body get wet and get a little bit tighter. He replaced his thumb with his tongue and listened as her breathing sped up, but it sounded different than it had before. She wasn’t scared but enjoying what he was doing. It spurred him on to move a little faster. He was wondering if she was imagining someone else doing this as she only responded after she had closed her eyes, but at this point, he would take it.

Maybe over time, she would get used to it being him and come around. As he moved his fingers and tongue faster in and out of her and over her nub of pleasure, she moved her fingers into his hair. She liked the feel of its softness as she moved her fingers through it. She gasped and her fingers gripped his hair as she felt him start to suck on that little nub. Her hips arched off the bed as she pressed his head a little tighter into her.

Jesse liked her reaction and his fingers sped up more than he had planned on, but she still didn’t stop him. Instead, her body responded and he felt her grow wet and get tight around his fingers. He pushed his luck and started to go even faster, but when she still didn’t say stop, he kept going until he heard her cry out. His body jerked in response. He quickly moved up her body and pressed himself against her.