What is sanity?

I think I should ask them about… Killing someone. How it feels, what is the meaning behind killing someone? Well, the meaning isn't hard to get but the true feelings after killing may be devastating.

"Guys… How did you feel after killing someone for the first time?" This question may be very normal for them but me, it feels like a very hard question to actually finish.

"Why are you asking that?" Matthew asked while looking at me as if I was an idiot. Maybe because I haven't killed anyone? But how can he know that…

"Well… I never killed anyone. But I feel guilty for the death of the bear that is now our food." I want to be prepared when it will be the time for me to kill someone… What if I will have to kill someone while escaping this hole? What if it will be someone important? Or someone who is liked by others…

"My first kill was well deserved. My mother, I don't regret killing her. But if I didn't do that, I wouldn't be here. I don't regret it anyway even if I ended up in this place." Matthew is the last person that would seem to regret a kill, even if it wasn't deserved. He is just a little… Barbarous.

"The first time I have been killed was already here. I had to survive somehow therefore I killed the enemy, I wasn't even thinking about it. Why? Because of survival, not a single thought was surrounding my mind after that single death. Because I was doing it for sheer survival." Marcus was the last person that wouldn't have any thoughts. He seemed so… Soft? Calm and a little more self aware, or mature? I don't know myself, there is just something in him that makes it hard to believe that he didn't have any thoughts after killing.

"My first kill was also here, it was also because of survival. But that survival was driven by hatred and anger, it was two days after I came to the hole. And that was the first time I killed someone, the very first kill… I didn't even feel my sword penetrating his body. It was almost as if it wasn't me but someone who just looks the same with a different appearance. A scary thing, now though, I accepted the things I've done and will do." Now Estel… The feelings behind one's soul are the feelings you get after killing. Is that what they are trying to say? Survival, anger, and the feeling of justice. If those are the reasons, it won't make one feel bad? It seems trivial and doesn't make sense… How is it going to be with me if I kill somebody?

"You don't know me, but since you saved me I can join your conversation. I killed for the first time when I was a kid, my mother was threatened by a drunk man in the village. I couldn't stand it so I killed him in his sleep… A shiv right through his neck. I did it so silently that no one even noticed nor accused me of killing him, it was weird. I was the only one that could have had anything against him so it was very weird that no one suspected me of doing that." Again, another person whose hatred has overcome the guilt of killing another human. No regret nor real negative feelings bouncing back to the killer.

"Finn… Not remember." The little goblin looked at me very hesitatingly. I didn't say anything afterward, there was no point in doing so. What can I even say now? Nothing happened.

"Tomorrow… We can leave. Finally." Wait… Tomorrow!? Not today? Did the time go somewhat weird? I thought we were supposed to leave today… Is today the first day? Oh god, how did I get that wrong? Estel reminded about it, why him? Didn't he also say that we are leaving today? And what about animals!

"Guys! When we were outside with Estel, we saw a fountain of blood. Something really weird, it was like an army of monsters and beasts being controlled by someone's power imbued into it and controls them. They said that they will attack at the time of our department from this place!" I almost screamed because of how hard it may be for us to survive at that time.

"What fountain?" Estel asked… My face went completely pale. No… That's not possible. It's, not, possible. Did I create all of this… All of those monsters and even my own hallucinations inside a hallucination?! What is happening to me! What is all this!

I need to ignore things like that… But how can I do it? It is just making everything weird. Am I losing sanity? Is my head just going away completely?

"What do you mean, what fountain? The one with the monsters and the face made of blood…" I had to confirm my assumptions, it's either he forgot for a short time or I am going crazy. And unfortunately… The second option.

He looked at me as if I was an idiot. Almost ignoring what I was talking about just now. Am I an idiot now? Is my head just making jokes to me about myself? I want to escape the prison of my own mind! I want to run away! I don't want to fight!

"Monsters? How many?" Marcus asked while looking at me with a slight impression of hope.

"Hundreds or even thousands! Bears, boars, tigers, and many other ferocious creatures but not only, even deers were there!" I shouted almost as if there was no other truth as if I was the only truth. Then I looked down on my feet and the thing from yesterday with Estel going crazy appeared right before my eyes. The same sight of him screaming and pulling his hair out almost. Is it why it's happening? Is this Estel's thought? Or am I lying to myself at this point… I just want to end that mystery.

"Where? Have we seen them when we walked? No. If there were so many there is no chance that we haven't met any of them the whole time we were outside. How do you explain that?" Marcus added to his assumption from before. I can't explain that… It's just how it was! I saw those monsters there! But there is no point in arguing with them, they won't listen, they will only ignore.

"Am I angry?" I asked myself out of suspicion and actually also fear.

"No." The second voice answered.

"Should I be angry?" Another question to myself. I know the answer but can���t answer it. It's as if my lips were tied to each other when I ask those kinds of questions. The questions in my own mind, I can't speak in there, someone else is doing it. Someone distant.

"No." I of course knew the answer. I can't speak the truth! Give me myself back! "No." He heard it? Is it again me? That's why he knows the answer? It must be 'him'. "You mean you?" The voice questioned me this time out of the dark deep void of my closed eyes.

"May…" I was interrupted as someone poked me with his hand. I opened my eyes and the light emission from the fire just slowly started entering my mind, saving me from further endeavor in my head. Saviour…

It was Marcus going to the bear meat with the knife, cutting a small part. Probably for Matthew, he must've woken up recently. Once again the cave will submerge in the smell of cooking meat and overtake my mind instead of just talking to myself.

"Can you… Cut some for me as well?" I was exhausted after running from the bear. Or was that also a hallucination, I don't know the reality. What is reality?

"What do you want then?" He asked back and it was also something that again helped me out with getting away from the thoughts, any, thoughts.

"A part of the leg…" I don't want to think and talk anymore as well, it gets annoying. Everything is getting annoying, even myself.

"Right on it." He then cut the part of the leg together with some ribs for Matthew. He put both of them on the stone that was already laying on the fire to heat it before. He put the parts on the stones and went back to the bed made of leaves, again, nothing to do for now.

It seems almost like a routine but for two days, if we were here longer it would be like that forever. Wake up, put the meat to cook, wait until it cooks, eat and if needed go hunt. It would be like that every day if we were to stay here for a longer period of time. I can't be like this though…

"Hayden, o you want to train a little later?" The elf asked me after reminding me of something pretty bad, but I can't slack off in this place.

"Sure," I answered Estel.

"What are you training? I know some things, maybe I could help." Bog questioned both of us still sitting but prepared to stand up and train.