Grow And Fall

I want to be happy but I want to be sad,

I want to grow but I want to fall.

I'm on a tight wire balancing the next heartbreak,

The next day healing when it doesn't feel like it.

Covered in scars stuck with bad memories

Showing bravery underneath.

We win and lose,

Fail and rise on moves that compromise our lives.

How is there such thing as true happiness

When underneath my skin it's barb wire

Stabbing so hard to remember the pain.

My happiness gets taken away from me often,

Like nothing good is enough to stay with me.

I already toke it,

I toke the pain,

I toke the abuse for my whole life,

I reach for the light but it stays off.

I feel the darkness and if that's what I deserve

Another stab wound and another trigger

A trigger to stay below happiness,

Below the trauma.

I feel like I'm defined by these memories

Because your right I'm weak and it's all my fault

I'll laugh it off but my soul has had enough.

These expectations pile up

Like homework that will never be finished.

But haven't you seen I'm already failing?

Yes I have all A's but to me they are all F's

I lean on a perfectionism like a crutch I don't need.

Anxiety is the reason I have a crutch,

With depression limping behind.

I want to be happy but I'm sad,

I want to grow but I am falling again,

So here I rely on the crutch again,

That created the in between of faking a smile,

Dead in my head writing poetry at 2AM.