Mosaic Of Brokenness

The fact I can't see past graduation

Scares me.

I don't even know if I can survive this summer

Because the tower I was in on Thursday

Screamed "just do it"

"Jump" said my suicidal thoughts

That filled my head

Until I imagined myself doing it.

It's been a month of hitting a low in this ocean

I'm drowning in

With my body floating away from me…

My mind is a broken record of darkness

Gradually blurring my soul

Into monotonous colors leaking from my vision

Going through the motions.

As my fragile lungs forget how to breathe

For a few seconds,

Then becomes a plea for it to stop for eternity.

I wonder if my demons would leave me

But I'm beginning to think even in death

They would scream all that I already know in myself

I'm a failure to think it's a battle I would win.

Look at me now.

Look at me now my demons laugh

I became everything I promised myself

I would never become.

Even my legs and thighs are reminding me

A small little blade shouldn't do this much damage

But I'm a mosaic of brokenness

All I am is a sad playlist on repeat,

A crayon bound to break if you push too hard

How can I expect myself to have a perfect canvas

When I hate myself.

I look in the mirror

I take aim punching at my reflection

Letting it shatter into a million pieces,

Picking up those pieces only to cut myself

Until I don't feel anything,

But the girl I see not enough to be a boy.

I'm a melody so sad even minor chords

Can't mirror what I feel inside myself.

If you were concerned and said

"I'm worried about you,"

I would say

"I'm worried about me too-"

"I am too…"