Sinking Down, Part 5

As Toma left, I felt an immeasurable amount of disappointment. Why did he left just like that? Won't he be start acting like a perv whenever he sees me naked?

I settled down at his bed and thought hard about his actions. Why would he leave so suddenly? Is it because he don't want to see me anymore? Did he realize that he doesn't actually love me? Did he hate me now for the rude things I've done to him?

"Aw shit." I feel like crying when I think about it. I'm not usually this emotional, maybe it's the fever working on it but still… why the heck did he just leave me!?

Hours passed by and I couldn't sleep a wink. I haven't even eaten the food he bought. My mind just kept going on and on about Toma. I wanted to call him over the phone though I doubt he'll answer. My fever also went down while I was tirelessly thinking of him, I decided to go for a late night walk to process things better.

When I got out of the dormitory, the chilling air brushed through my face. It was pretty cold, so I used Toma's warm jacket as I walked. I also love how the jacket smells like him, a little smile flashed on my lips as I embraced myself with his jacket on as if I was with him.

The silence of the streets let me think smoothly while I take each step. I sighed as I thought how he might not love me anymore. If I have to be honest with myself, I know I don't deserve Toma one bit. So I won't complain if he does leave… but that won't ever let my heart be at ease for the rest of my days moving on.

I honestly wanted to tell the world I love Toma… that he's mine… but in my circumstances, I can't do that easily. There's a lot of things I fear in admitting my relationship with Toma, and I know I can't handle all those.

"Damn, I can't even risk anything for him." I uttered to myself. My sight started to blurr, and as I wiped off the tears, Toma was already infront of me. I'm probably seeing things. I turned my back on this illusion so I can go back to the dorms but someone stopped me as he grabs me on the arm.

"What the heck are you doing so late at night, Yuji?! Aren't you still sick?!" Ah, so that wasn't an illusion after all.

I turned to face him again and hugged him tightly. "Y-Yuji?!"

"…let's just go back."

While we walked back to the dorm, we were both silent. But his hand was holding mine. I was happy and sad about it at the same time. Is he doing this out of pity because he saw my crying?

When we finally got back to our room, he closes the door and looks at me with a blank face. "...Yuji? Why were you crying?... Is there something you want to tell me?"

I bit my lip as I gathered all the courage I had in me before talking.

"Toma, do you want to break up with me?"