New student

Mr. Amos looked up at his student's. He welcome Sonia into the classroom. As he begun to speak, class we have a new student here. Sonia would you like to introduce yourself to the class? Yes sir, Mr. Amos. Sonia stood in front of the teacher desk. When she heard some of the kids laughing.

Look at the girl, who do she think she is? Jen said, as she laughed to her friend Linda.

She is an ugly beast. Linda said back, look at them nasty clothes. Linda said again to Jen, as the whole class begun to laugh including the teacher.

Sonia stood her ground. I'm Sonia Jaxnson and I'm 16, there's not much say about me. I'm just a lay back girl who loves Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. Headass girl, shut the heck up! No one cares. Jayvon said, as the whole class laughing again. It's not headass dummies' It's Jaxnson if you nasty. Sonia walk to her seat and sit in the back of the classroom looking out the window. She couldn't stop thinking about the limo accident and the nice lady in that limo. J she thought to herself again. Wondering who she was? She never met a person who can be so nice to someone. Sonia felt love for the first time.

Sonia Jaxnson! My teacher called out to me, would you pay attention and stop day dreaming. "Sorry Mr. Amos" Sonia said back looking straight Ahead. Listening to the teacher. But it was so hard to do that cause Sonia imagination start running wild in her mind. The more she try to pay attention, the more she heard when we ooo. As the song plays in the back of my mind.

You've opened my soul to happiness

And shown me new ways of love

Smooth is life's travels with you beside me

I'll never walk alone

Cant get enough of you

When we oooo

Can't get enough of you

When we oooo

You give of you

All you can give

You've taught me love laugh

You taught me to live

At rainbows end

That pot of gold

Can't hold a light to you

Cause you're my heart and soul

As I begun to make sounds to the song out loud in class not really realizing it. My mind was taking me to different place. I felt myself getting wet. Oh heck ! I yelled out loud, as the whole class turned in looked at me. Mr. Amos even stopped talking and clear his throat.

Sonia Jaxnson the class don't wanna hear your sounds. Please see me after class. Yes sir, Mr. Amos. Was I really that loud? Sonia thought to herself.

What a douche, Nicki said, as you looked Sonia in the eyes. Nasty, Won't you just go have sex with ever guy you see. Sonia looked down feeling horrible about what just happened In class. Sonia knew she wasn't that. Cause she still a virgin.

The last 15 minutes of class the kids was talking among themselves accept for Sonia she was drawing pictures of the lady she met in the limo. Till a student came up to her ripping her drawing apart. Please don't do that Sonia Said as she cried, Looking at the rip drawing on the floor. Stupid cry baby!

Cry baby, cry baby, suck your mama boobs. Sonia just looked away. Trying not to hear all the hate and mean words being carry on.

After first period class was over. Sonia stay back waiting for Mr. Amos to talk to her.

Sonia Jaxnson you may see me now in my office. She walked to the office feeling nervous as she bite on her finger nail. After entering in the office Sonia looked at Mr. Amos.

Sonia Jaxnson I can't have bad kids In my class without doing something about it first. Mr. Amos said, as he walked up to her touching her face. Please don't do that sir. Look girl you were making sounds so let me give it to you. Mr. Amos said, no said Sonia, As she push him away. Running out the classroom nervously with tears coming down her eyes. Knowing that no one would believe her about what had happen.

Trying to leave the school as she ran leaving. Going to her next period class wasn't even on her mind anymore. All she wanted to do was just get away from there.

I can't do this I can't be here I wanna get away. I'm not even a whore or a slut. I'm still a virgin. I cried as I ran and ran. I didn't wanna go home. Mother will beat the heck outta me. And if I tell child social services. They won't believe me. They will just say I'm a trouble teen. There's no way of escaping from this pain. So I just went to the park and sat there and watch the birds. Hey pretty bird I bet you don't ever have to worry about being mistreated by family that's not really your family only if I had wings like you I'll just fly freely with nothing to worry about. The bird just stood there eating it's bread that I was feeding to him. I wonder if birds could understand us human. I wonder what it would feel like if I put myself in the wings of a bird. But I guess that's stupid for me to think like that. Maybe it's best if I wasn't a bird. They have to worried about if they going to get shot down by a human. They would have to fly away just to save their lives. I kind of forgotten to feed the bird the rest of it bread. By the time I looked up the bird was already eating the bread from my hand. This bird is bold. I guess it just want it's food. You must've been so hungry little bird. By the time I tried to touch the bird it had already flew off. I guess I should go home now. Mother should still be at work. I walked home just thinking about all the beauty and creation God had made unto this earth.

Nah I'm not going home just at. I turned to walk into the Library I need more time to think. And this is a good place to think where it's quiet and no one can disturb you. You feel peace in the library. But more peace at church. I miss from going to church. My last foster mom Sarah use to take me to church every Saturday. She never missed a day of church. She told me the story of how she got married at a young age. Because she was so in love with the man of her dream. I love when she told me her life stories from the pass and how God gave her mercy and grace through her faith. She always told me I was going through a warfare in my life and how we got to not let the strongholds held us down and how we must fight in the spirit through prayer. She told me don't you give up my child. You strong you are somebody and don't ever let anyone tell you different. I remember my last neighbor she God fearing person. Every day she came outside. She would speak to me with a smile on her face. I loved sitting with her in her house. When mom was gone she would keep me. The day I was going back into foster care. I lost my faith in God. I didn't wanna hear about the God stuff she use to tell me about. The day I told her no was the day she hit me and grabbed me up by the shirt. I was only 7 years old. But she and mom brought back my faith in God. Sera held me to her as I cried. I must've said sorry a thousands times. But I miss her so much. I think about them all the time. And how things could've been if Sarah was my real mom. I still wonder all the time why did my real mother give me up. Did she not care about me? Did she not wanted me? I felt so alone and just wondering am I really a mistake. Maybe I should've just been dead. No one wanted me because I'm just really a mistake. Maybe I deserved what happening to me. The tears fell down my cheeks as I walked home. I knew I was already in trouble but none of that didn't matter anymore.

What am I supposed to do now. Life is just so hard for me. If I was 21 I would've been drinking by now to relieve the stress and pain that I'm going through. I took my time to clear my head. I wanted to find my real mother and ask her why did she give me up. If I was a mother I would never abandon my child no matter how hard things seem to be. I'll make it work.. I really would. Instead of going home I sat under the tree and open my book and start writing.

Today 10/12/13

Time 4:45 pm

poem feeling lonely

The lonely feeling I have something that burns deep inside

Hearing a whisper in your ears saying I'm here holding you.

A angel from heaven speaks to you asking why you feeling lonely.

Don't you know God can take that away if you just pray

Feeling lonely with my head hanging down with my back against the wall.

The tears from my eyes cries to God I'm feeling lonely and alone.

Voice from heaven soft but deep say don't you know you never alone don't you feel lonely.

I am God nor will I leave you nor will I forsake you.

I closed my book and looked up the sky as I let all the wonders flows through my mind. Tears falling down my cheeks. I didn't wanna go home my mother would hurt me because I skipped school. I wanted something better to happen in my life. But that seems so impossible now. Maybe I'm cursed with bad luck or is it just me. I'm trying not to give up hope. But what more can I do? I got up and walked slowly still going home. I was in trouble anyways and mother is going to beat me almost half to death. But I just didn't wanna think about that right now. I just wanted to enjoy the moment of this beautiful sun setting in the sky. It was just so lovely. Only the beauty of God creation Can make me smile so much.