Women Trouble

I hated self-loathing, but it was something I'd always been good at it. If you've ever been depressed, really depressed, the kind that steals your light, you'll know what I am talking about. Loathing becomes your friend. Not the good friend who encourages you to do your best, but the bad friend who tempts you into poisonous risk. The friendship is toxic but you can never bring yourself to end it. Doing so would mean the death of your best friend.

"You're doing it again."

"What?" I tried to hide my loathing but it was pointless. She saw right through my defenses.

"Where have you been? I thought you'd have at least tried to contact me." Monika said, standing in the hallway outside my room. "You look troubled."

"I'd imagine you've heard," I said, standing up from my bed. I walked to the desk and poured a glass of water, even though I had no need to drink.

"Yeah, I heard.” she said.

"I suppose you’re happy, Justin being served and all." I held the glass in my hand, looking straight through it.

"Nobody could wish hell on anyone. I'm not happy about this, Will, believe me, not one bit.” Monika grabbed my hand, forcing my attention from the glass. “Do I want Justin to learn from his mistakes? I do. I want him to feel painful remorse, but I don't want him to suffer torture and torment in the realms of darkness."

"I believe you Monika, I just feel so heavy. I should have tried harder to help him."

"There's nothing you could have done."

"I barely hung on when the devils pulled him down."

"The weight of his sin pulled him down. Sin allowed the dark spirits to grab hold. His vibration was slow and dense, matching the vibration of hell. Not even the mightiest angel grip could've clung to a soul that heavy."

"We could have ran."

"You'd have been caught." Monika said.

"We could have hid."

"You would've been found. Will, stop blaming yourself! It's not your fault."

Monika was right, but I couldn't shake the heaviness of the guilt on my soul. As much as I despised Justin for what he did, deep down I was desperate to save him from his gruesome fate. Experience was shaping me into who I was supposed to be. When a rose died, part of me died with it. The journey had been perilous, the scars numerous. The scars were symbolic, they told me one thing ... I belonged in the trenches. As much as I tried to deny it, I couldn’t. The work was dangerous, dirty, scary, but I was made for it, the privilege was mine. The scars told me that, they told me I was vulnerable, but never broken. The scars told me I was a Resurrectionist.

"I'm going with you." Monika said, snapping me back to the present.

"What are you talking about?" I said, turning to look out my window.

"I know what you're going to do." She whispered.

"What?"

"Stop pretending. I know your soul. It won’t let you rest until you’ve pulled Justin out. I'm going with you, Will ... to hell."

"No."

"I'm going." Monika insisted.

"You've done too much. You've sacrificed too much for me already." I said.

"Will, it's what I do. I've been helping lost souls long before you came on board. Remember?"

"No, I can't let you put yourself at risk."

"I can guide you through the trouble and turmoil of the underworld. You need me." She said.

"I can't drag you into this. It's too much."

"Guiding you will yield tremendous spiritual growth." Monika said.

"I see."

"Don't think my reasons are selfish. I'd go even if I gained nothing."

"That's the problem, Monika."

"I don't understand." She said.

"You're blinded by me. I don't know what it is, but you don't think clearly when I'm involved." Monika looked away. "Why?" I asked.

Monika paused, staring outward then back to me. "I guess it's time you learned the truth of who we are."

"What truth? What are you talking about?" I asked.

"We're soulmates." Monika said, waiting for my response.

"Soulmates?"

"Yes."

I didn't realize just how blinded Monika had become. She believed us soulmates. I had to end this now, no matter how much it would hurt her.

"Allison is my soulmate." I said as soft but direct as I could. Monika didn't respond. A slight ripple formed in the energy around her spirit body. A small wave of dark red light released itself into the surrounding atmosphere. It's all I needed to learn of Monika's feelings toward Allison and her disagreement with my position.

"Will, listen to me. Allison is not your soulmate. I know you once had feelings for her but you must let them go. You must let her go."

"Why are you saying this to me?"

"Because it's the truth." Monika said.

"I love Allison." The words shocked me.

"This isn't about love." Monika said, her harshness stirring animosity.

"Don't do this too me. I've hurt Allison too much. I've hurt her family too much. I have to make it right."

"She doesn't know the truth does she? About her father's killer?" Monika said.

"How dare you! Just leave me alone." I turned my back to her.

"I'm sorry, Will. Forgive me. I crossed a line."

"Go." I said.

"Will, let me help you."

"Get out!"

***

I stayed in my room the equivalent of three days on earth, searching my mind for answers, but mostly staring blankly at the wall. Monika said she and I were soulmates, but I've only ever had true feelings for Allison. I was Monika's weakness. If I let her follow me into hell I would be the death of her. I felt awful for blowing up the way I did, but the stress of failing, it was too much.

I needed to breathe. I'd been meeting Allison in the city gardens often. The bright colors, perfume smells, and her bubbling spirit calmed my disturbed soul like some magic elixir.

I watched her bounce from flower to flower, pausing at each one to take in its beauty like she didn't have a care in the world. The spell the gardens put her under intoxicated me, cares seemed to fall away, if only for a moment.

"Will." Allison said loudly. "You've got to smell this jasmine. It's wonderful!" I smiled but remained silent, looking down at the flower, seeing it's beauty for the first time.

"Do you know why I love the gardens so much?" Allison asked.

"The sense of peace they bring." I responded.

"Wisdom."

"Wisdom, how so?" I asked."

"There's knowledge here. With knowledge comes power." Allison twirled.

"I don't follow." A confusion worked it's way into my brain.

"Because you can see the difference of where we once were to where we are now. Will, we survived hell. We survived together. That gives us knowledge. That gives us power. Without seeing the ugly, we'd never see the beauty."

"I understand. I guess in some ways you're right, Allison."

"I'm right in all ways." Allison's tone turned from playful to serious. I paused in silence, unable to form a response, the confusion returning.

"Cat got your tongue, Will? Is that any way to treat an old friend?" Allison said.

"Sorry." I looked up. "My mind, I can't stop, it chatters."

Allison burst out laughing. "That's not the only thing that chatters. The buzz around town is all about you."

"Buzz?"

"You're a hero, Will."

"I'm no hero."

"They say you're some chosen one. This resurrectionist guy who's going to do something important. Must be exciting to be you. Tell me about it." Allison said.

"I can’t really talk about it. The specifics are classified. To be honest, I don't really know much. All I can feel is the presence of dread and impending doom."

"I figured you'd say that, Will. You've always had that problem. That's why I wanted to see you."

"What problem?" I asked.

"You only see the dark side. You only see what could go wrong. You never see what could go right. Even now, here in this beautiful garden, you only see ugliness."

"You're right, Allison. It's so hard for me. I don't know why." Maybe there's a darkness in me too. Maybe there always will be. John talked about acceptance and being who God made me to be. The demons knew acceptance. They weren't trying to find the light. They knew they weren't made for it. Maybe I should take note.

"You underestimate yourself. Will, you never see your true potential, how good you really are."

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"Are you kidding me? We really need to work on your self-esteem. You really can't see it can you?

"No."

"Do you remember pulling me out, saving me from hellfire? Surely you haven't forgotten that." Allison said.

"I remember."

"Then use it. Use it to fuel your mission. Take that experience and grow from it, gain confidence."

"It's just hard."

Allison smiled, "Will. I owe you everything. You saved me. You saved my soul." Allison believed in me, hoping to convince me to believe in myself.

Allison wrapped her arms around me, her embrace warm and inviting, pleading for me to stay in that garden forever. How can a person trade heaven for hell, of their own free will. That's what John was asking, the impossible.

"I have to go, but I'll be back," she said.

"Don't stay away long."

"I won't." Allison kissed her middle and index fingers and held them to my forehead. A confused rhythm played upon my heart.

***

I’d always been a runner, not the good kind, the emotional kind. The only thing I desired was the solace of my one window room, to bury my face in the feather pillow on my bed, and retreat back into to my self-imposed prison.

"Monika. You're here." My body startled. Monika was standing in the middle of my room with her back turned to me when I opened the door.

"I feel bad, about how we parted." Monika said, turning to face me. Her eyes drab, without expression.

"Me too. I'm sorry. I just don't know about this soulmate thing." I said.

"You're confusing the definition of soulmates. You're thinking about human love; love between two people. I'm talking about soulmates in the spiritual sense. God created the soul. At birth, it divides. Two equal but separate halves. Soul mates are Yin and Yang. They separate in order to experience life independently. When both of them return to the spirit they are reunited and made whole. Will, you are my other half."

"How do you know? How can you be sure?"

"Will, I just know." Monika looked sharply away, her long blonde hair wrapping around her neck.

"I've always believed Allison and I were soulmates. You may not want to hear this, but I believe Allison and I still are. Sorry if it upsets you." I said.

"You really don't get it. You just don't get it, Will." Monika shielded her face and left abruptly. I didn't chase after. She needed time. I wasn't fully on board with the soulmate thing. It upset her.

I left to find John. It felt awkward but I had no one else to turn too. I hated to disturb him with trivial things such as women troubles. My only hope was that an enlightened being such as himself would remember what’s it's like being a teenager. John often lectured at the university that inhabited my realm of light, something all spirits from advanced realms did to help the lesser developed souls progress along the spiritual path.

I walked along the busy city streets, always blown away by the immaculate architecture. Arches and artistry were the themes of this city. Beautiful hand carved stone sculptures, no detail too small or overlooked, as if each atom was shaped by God.

People whispered as I walked by, at least it seemed that way. Allison said the buzz was about me. I've never been comfortable with people's eyes on me. It made me fidgety, like they were judging.

"She's lying you know." A voice sounded from the alleyway leading to the university.

"Allison. Did you follow me here?"

"Your heart was troubled when we parted in the garden. I could feel it when I touched your mind."

"Allison, we need to talk." I grabbed her arm, pulling her deeper into alley and free from the staring eyes. "It's no secret, even though I've never said it. You know it's true. My feelings for you run deep." Surprised by my own response, I couldn't find the words to continue.

"I know, Will. I've felt your love deeply. I could feel it when alone in hell. Your love for me kept me going ... and alive." Allison said. I still couldn't find words. Allison grabbed my hand and held on tight. "I'm going with you. I'm going on your mission, to resurrect Judas."

“What!” Allison's words rocked me.

“You don't have to pretend, Will. I know, you don't have to hide.”

"So you know the truth, about my mission?"

"Yes."

"Allison, no. You can't risk it. It's too dangerous."

"I can't let you go alone." Allison said.

"I won't be alone, Monika is coming with me." I lied. In truth I wasn't letting anyone come with me. Monika didn't know it yet. It was a poor choice of lies that only fueled Allison's distaste for Monika.

"Monika?" Allison looked genuinely hurt.

"Yes."

"Will, she might have good intentions but I don't think she will be much help. She's like a ghost. How can a phantom help when things get tough. I've been through the fire with you. We survived together, we'll do it again." Allison said.

I never told Allison that it was Monika who pulled us both out of hell. How her prayers gave me strength and warded off our demonic pursuer.

"Monika told me that she and I are soulmates. That our souls were two halves to be made whole." I said.

"No, that can't be. Will, you and I are soulmates. We're meant to be made whole." Allison said.

"That's what I thought, at least I used too, but why would Monika lie about that?"

"She obviously has feelings for you, Will. She's just saying that to keep us apart."

"No, Monika's not like that. She's too spiritually advanced to let human love cloud her judgment." I said.

"There's just something about Monika that isn't right, Will."

"I know there's tension between you two, but Monika's cool. You two are just different that's all." I said.

"No, it's deeper than that. I can feel it. She's about the only person who repels me. Most everyone is drawn to me for something or another. At least it always used to be that way." Allison said.

"It's because you're a fun loving, outgoing person. Monika is deep, quiet, thoughtful. Some people can be put off by that, see her as aloof. I assure you she is far from it. She's one of the most caring people I know."

"It's more complex than that. Something in her aura, her spirit pushes me away like a sour apple."

"I don't know, Allison."

"You've got to choose." Allison said.

"Don't say that to me."

"Look Will, I know Monika is better than me."

"Don't say that either." I said.

"No, she is. She is more advanced. She's a better person."

"John warned us not to think like that. Allison, people are all different and on different paths of their spiritual journey. It doesn't make anyone better or worse than the next person. John said all people are loved by God."

"I know what John said. I just wonder if Monika is using her righteousness to make you think she's better than she is."

"That doesn't make sense. Why would she do that? What does she stand to gain?" I asked.

"You."

"Love, spiritual love isn't like that. It's not possessive."

"Well, I can see whose side you're on." Allison jerked her arm away and ran out of the alley and into the city streets.

"I'm not on anyone's side, Allison!" I yelled out but got no response.

Something was off with Allison. I wondered if she knew the truth about her father's killer and buried it deep in denial. I made my way to the university and found John. I needed clarification regarding the truth about soulmates.

Walking through the university hallways reminded me of my days at Millersville High School and meeting John, well Dr. Z. in his office. It felt surreal. So much had changed since then, yet so much remained the same. After all I'd been through I was still pretty much the same anxious, self-doubting kid I’d always been.

John was sitting at his desk when I knocked on the door.

"Monika's correct about the existence of soul mates, Will. Whether or not you and her are true soul mates, I cannot say. Only the Father in heaven knows that for sure." John said.

“Is it that obvious? Am I that easy to read?”

“It's all over your face, as they say.” John looked up from his studies.

"How can I find out?" I asked.

"The process of finding one's soul mate is a journey, much like everything spiritual." John said.

"I'm beginning to see a pattern here," I said.

"Seek and ye shall find, no truer words have been spoken." John said, placing an ancient looking manuscript on the table next to him. "If you truly desire to find your soulmate the answer will be in your heart."

"In my heart, Allison and I are soulmates."

"It takes time to find your answer. Meditate and pray. The answer will come in God's time. Listen to your heart when both are near. Which vibration is stronger? Which pulls you in closer? That's your first clue." John said.

"They're both insisting on accompanying me on my mission." I said.

"The choice is yours.”

“Really? I thought you'd be the first to squash the idea.”

“The biggest challenge for you, William is to learn to stop looking outside yourself for answers. Stop doing what others want you to do. That includes me. The choice to accept this mission and who comes with you is yours and yours alone.”

“Ok John. I get what you're saying.”

“There's no shame, William. Making decisions is difficult, especially when the answers aren't black and white. Sometimes it's easier to let others make decisions for us. I get it, but outside decisions might not always be the best for us because the god the dwells within our soul always knows what's best, if we just stop to listen. Remember, always pray for guidance and the answers will reveal themselves.”

“I’ll work on it.”

“I must warn you, any tension in the group will be intensified in the realms of darkness. The beings there will feed off it. Be sure the tension is resolved before the mission." John said.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything.” John said.

“You don't remember, do you? What it’s like to be young … in love.” John gave a quizzical look but remained silent. I turned to leave, pausing in the doorway before guilt turned me back around.

“Look, I want to postpone the mission to save Judas. I want to help Justin.” I said to John who paused, slowly looking up from his reading.

“That’s not a good idea, William.”

“What do you mean? I thought you wanted me to help Justin. You just got done telling me to make my own decisions.”

“You're missing my point. It's always wise to seek outside counsel before making a decision. Weigh the facts and evidence presented before making any choice. The facts are that circumstances have changed...due to his passing onto the spirit world. Justin is where he needs to be at this time.”

“I know you have a thing about Judas, but he's been gone for two thousand years, what's a little more time? I can get to Justin, before the darkness corrupts him, before he gets pulled further down, before he becomes one of them ... just like his great grandfather.”

“Our sources tell us Justin is right where he needs to be. Trust God, William, Justin is serving a purpose. You need to let him go.”

“How's rotting in hell serving a purpose?” I asked, frustration brewing.

“Like I said, William. Trust God, have faith in the process. Tampering with things can cause trouble if things aren't meant to be tampered with. Let sleeping dogs lay. How about that for mortal slang?”

I walked out without saying goodbye, John annoyed me, his talk about making my own decisions, then not even letting me help Justin, hypocritical. How could I help Judas if I couldn't even hold onto Justin? Why couldn't John see that? He was no help in the soulmate department either. Doubt crept in as to whether Allison and I were really meant to be, but maybe she was right. Maybe Monika was blinded by me, because of my potential. She seemed to think it was her duty to draw the spiritual power out of me, to mold me into a true Resurrectionist. Racking my brain until the end of time would not bring me any closer to the truth. I prayed, and left it to God. Hoping in time the truth would be revealed.

I retreated to my lonely room. I wish when you die you'd could leave your troubles behind, but they follow like a lost dog. Things had to change, I needed to start thinking for myself, that was the message right? I clenched my fists, something deep within fueled the rage that exploded like a volcano from my mouth. "I swear to God, Justin Browning, I will pull you from the darkness. I swear to God I will save you!"