XLVII
She was getting ready for the reception that her parents had given to celebrate their upcoming wedding, the smile had not been on her pretty face for a long time and having to make an effort, this evening, to show it to the entire high society was not something that particularly excited her.
She looked at herself in the mirror and rehearsed not to look so plastic and fake.
Her hair was neatly arranged in gathered ringlets, the red dress was pompous and bulky, with perhaps too much cleavage and some black embroidery. She was just waiting for Bernadette to come for her.
Who knows why she had let her stay so long in her room, then with no one around to help her get ready. This stunk a little to her. Who knows what her lady was hiding.
She kept looking at herself in the mirror and faking smiles, when a vivid memory of a feeling now unknown to her heart, took hold of her mind. Anticipation. That's what the feeling was. The expectation that something beautiful and unexpected would happen in his life. Like when she walked through the market and looked for the face of that someone who had given her an appointment at the flower stall.
She wished she could go back to when she was there, to when she didn't feel her heart weighing so much, to when she didn't force herself to love another man. She thought about how much she had changed in recent times.
She looked at her life from the outside.
How she had changed for not dying. How she had changed for love. What she had been led to do to stop suffering. What she had done to try to start over.
She didn't even recognize herself anymore.
She had really changed. Her gestures were more thought out, her every word weighed her carefully, she was rigid and cold, her mother was finally proud of her for this sudden change that she said made her a better ruler. She didn't even feel human anymore. She had betrayed her own feelings, she had forced the man she loved into a life she would never choose for herself and all because of her selfishness, because she could not bear the guilt of his death.
Those green eyes, if they had looked at her now, would not have recognized her.
Even the last day they had seen each other he had asked her who she had become. He was already noticing her change.
She felt cold, but there was no wind in the room.
She wondered if he was wrenching his heart out over a bed of broken bottles. Maybe with company.
But maybe he didn't have the right to wonder, not she who was playing at falling in love knowing someone was going to lose out anyway.
That's how she had changed in order not to die in a life she didn't want, that's who she had become in order to forget a consuming love, not to suffer anymore and to start again.
Another light went off inside her. She saw it in the mirror. She sensed the exact moment when it happened.
How many times had his eyes cried? Perhaps not enough.
How many uncertainties had she lost while pretending to be strong?
She missed feeling the breath of life on that bed they had shared, while she touched his heart with her fingers, without fear for the arrival of the next day, because they would still be together.
Yes, she had changed, and no one had noticed that in the change, there was an unwieldy sadness.
She heard noises coming from her balcony and quickly turned around.
As he climbed up the terrace, he thought about what he would feel seeing her, what he would say or do, how it would really end between them.
Countless times they had said goodbye, how many more times would they have to suffer?
He prayed that his beloved city would not betray him, if it was truly the capital of romance he had to prove it to her tonight. He only asked her for the brightest stars and the closest moon. An atmosphere just them. He wanted it to show her the chills on her skin from the summer breeze, he wanted a serenade of crickets to make everything more poetic.
A he arrived and saw her already looking in his direction.
Had she heard him coming? He wasn't exactly capable of being quiet.
He saw her get up and shake her head with her hands covering her mouth in amazement.
What was he doing there? Why hadn't he already left? What did he still want from her?
<< What are you doing here? >> She quickly approached the boy.
<< Don't be angry. I just wanted to talk to you, to tell you what I really think of your agreement and instead expose you my solutions.>> He took her hands to block her nervous movements.
<< If someone sees you...>>
<< Can you be quiet? I'm nervous too.>> She rolled her eyes.
<< We should have said goodbye by now.>> She pointed out to him disapprovingly.
<< But how can I stay away from you? I have to tell you a lot of things. He took her face in his hands and kissed her quickly and without her being able to withdraw.
She knew he was there to change her mind, he was bubbling over with the same enthusiasm he'd had the first time he'd declared himself on the fountain in concord square.
He looked up at the moon and asked her to help him remain unyielding in his decision, asked him to dim the stars and shine a little less herself. She also needed God to put a hand on his head to make her say "no", such was the passion she read in the young man's gaze.
He took her and forced her to sit on the bed, she followed him curious about everything he wanted to tell her.
<< First of all I wanted to tell you that...I met my father, he was also in prison, cell neighbors. What a story eh? He told me everything. Basically he and my mother loved each other but she was promised to another, a nobleman, they ran away and started a family, her parents found her and took her away, he looked for her everywhere but when he found her she chose to stay with the rich man, in a fit of jealousy he killed him and now he's in jail for that. Absurd,
isn't it? >>
Antoinette was taken aback by that story, but she understood why he had risked so much to tell her about it, it had always been very important to him and she too, in his place, would have done anything to tell him such a thing.
<< It's great that you were able to shed light on your past, even if you would have surely hoped for better, but I'm happy for you, for being able to talk to your father again. Now please, you must go.>> She tried to get up but he put her back in her seat.
<
<< Adrien...>>
<< Amélie is...dead.>> He said with a low stare, trying not to lose his earlier enthusiasm. He found it impossible.
<< My God, Adrien, I'm...sorry.>> She brought one hand to her chest and one to her mouth in a grimace of painful surprise.
<< And that's also why I can't let you go. I promised her that I would always fight for my happiness and that I would always put love first. She died because I put love first. I can't throw it all away in flames. Giving up on you would be like letting her die in vain and without a fulfilled promise.>> He knelt at her feet with his head down. Antoinette couldn't find the words.
<< They say that time has no time, that if you have it you have to take it before it runs away, that a moment, if you imprint it in your heart, can be eternal, I do not know you managed to get me out of your heart, but I know that the emotions we had, now, are eternal and I know that I need you to support all this weight that I feel inside, because we have won that eternal time, certainly losing more, but we have obtained it in the little we have lived together and I can not leave here accepting a defeat, I feel that I still have another battle, perhaps the last opportunity. Would you give it to me? >> He said almost all in one breath, always trying to maintain eye contact with his confused blue eyes.
<< I don't think I understood correctly...>>
He didn't let her finish her sentence.
<< Yes you do, Antoinette. I don't want to be without you and I know you don't either, I know you'll still be looking for me and wondering, still, what fate could have ever awaited us and, I swear on all I have left to live, that I risk everything on these feelings, no matter if I win or lose. You are the only thing I want, the only thing I ask of life. When you were in my arms I felt I had so much I was out of breath, I felt I knew exactly who we were and what we were doing, no matter how big the problem outside that clearing was, it was you and me my love, no need to go anywhere else because we were together.>> He took the woman's hands between his own and squeezed them tightly.
<< How do you think I could leave here? How do you think I could leave without trying to take you with me? How could I accept that arrangement that would let us both die without love? >>
Antoinette stood up moving away from him and with her back to him. You could feel her gaze burning into his back.
<< You're making me understand that you don't accept the conditions of your release.>> She whispered dejectedly.
<< Absolutely not, it makes me sick just to have considered them for a single moment.>> He approached her again, taking her hand between his, but without forcing her to turn around.
<
<< Either I die here, looking you straight in the eyes above the scaffold, or you stay with me.>> He said solemnly.
<< You'll die either way.>> She whispered through clenched teeth at the nervousness her stubbornness gave her.
<< Patience, at least I won't die a coward.>>
<< But not a hero either! >> She quickly turned around.
<< I'll die a fool, but looking into the face of the woman I love.>> He caressed her cheek.
<< How can I convince you? >> She asked in despair, but enjoying that touch.
<< You can't. It's either together or death. That's my offer.>>