Nightmare

What happened a while ago is stuck on my mind. I don't know what Ezriel's reason why he said that, he also wants the marriage.

I sigh and then step closer to my bed and lay down and stare the ceiling, still thinking about him. I am trying my best to understand and puzzled his logic.

What does he mean, that he also wants the marriage, is they are insane?. I couldn't stop feeling guilty and blaming myself for coming to their life and now this happens.

There are lots of bad consequences that might happen if we marry each other. But I won't, I will never tell to anyone what's the truth in me. I know that if it happens, that the truth about me will reveal, will make them distance themselves from me. And all of my fears well boom like a bombs. And my temporary happiness will be burn in a hot fire and turned into ashes.

I'm scared, really scared about the possibilities that could happen. If it will ever happen, I don't want to lose anyone who've been part of my life again.

I have to be strong. I won't give up, I will fight for this even if it's just a temporary happiness and don't even have a peace. Still I want to try my best to prevent this impermanent life I have right now.

May all of my sacrifices will be worth it.

This will be my very best memory I could ever have until the end, that I meet them and been part of my life. Even if it's really difficult to explain why I am this protective to them. I hope no one will find the truth.

I tried to close my eyes but Kries Mae's image flashed on my mind that makes me open my eyes and turned to the other side of my bed and rolled myself in the bed. My heart are beating faster. Again I close my eyes and then the next image that showed up is Ezriel. My beating heart pound faster than a while ago. I do not understand what is this kind of feeling anymore, it's very confusing if what really it is.

How could this be possible, that I have this kind of feelings towards to a two person. I turned to the table where my phone is, when it suddenly rang. And it's Eman whose calling me.

How did he get my number? Where did he get it?.

I get up and grab my phone then put to my ear after I press the answer bottom.

" Hello?"

I answered and then he did a fake cough before saying anything.

" Uhm.. Khiella can I invite you to the Bible study, I'm going to attend tomorrow?"

What he says?. Is he inviting me to attend, to the Bible study? For what? I don't believe in God. Right now I don't know what am I going to answer. Something in me feeling so bitter and the other part of me saying something I don't want to know, I do not want to think of.

" To what Eman?. You're inviting me to a Bible study?"

I ask bitterly and I think he didn't notice I was being bitter and sarcastic.

"Uhm. Yeah, are you free tomorrow night?. It will start at 7:00 pm, it won't be long also it's the word and gospels of God. We need to know and learn"

Right now I don't know what I am feeling. I feel like I want to shout and tell to Eman, the God they are believing is not true, not real. They are just in illusion.

Maybe I am very bad for not respecting their beliefs, but I'm just telling the truth. Human are just so delusional. The human minds are powerful that it could even imagine something that can caused them to see something everyone don't see.

Also if God is really true why all the people are all doing a lot of sins, like killing, raping, drag addict, alcoholic etc. If the God they are believing is real, why is he letting this happen?. Why this work where I am living is so sinful?.

"Khiella are you still there?"

I didn't know I was in the depth thought again that I did not even remember Eman are on the other line.

"Uh.. Yeah what is is again Eman?"

"Owh. Great I thought you were now sleeping. You are not answering me"

I shook my head as if he sees me.

"Uh sorry it's just that my head suddenly get hurt yeah."

Hope my excuse will work.

"Owh. I'm sorry am I disturbing you?, are you not feeling well Khiella?, are you sick?"

His question are many. I don't know which one, what I'm going to answer first.

"Uh. No, not really and I'm fine"

I said and heard him sigh after.

"Okay. So Khiella are you---"

I paused him before he finish what he was going to say. I know it's about the Bible study thingy.

"Maybe not now Eman. I'm busy bye"

Then I ended the call, never letting him to say anything. I lay down the bed lazily after putting my down to the table at the right side of the bed.

Again I stared the ceiling and suddenly Kries and Ezriel's face showed up again. It irritates me, I don't want to think about them. But my mind is so disobedience.

My heart is so sinful. This feelings is wrong, really wrong.

I shouldn't have feel this.

This is really wrong.

No matter how hard I try to sleep, drowsiness doesn't really visit me. Every time I close my eyes, I see them again, causing a strange feeling in my chest. I feel so nervous that I don't understand. I really can't get what it really feels like. I don't want it to feel anymore.

I kinda felt sorry for Eman. My rudeness is really bad. I didn't mean it.

As I said as much as possible, I will do my best not to lose what I have now, and where I am now. I've been through a lot. I ran away from that dark place. And I don't want to go back there ever again. I want to stay here but I don't want other people to feel sorry for me. It's exhausting but I shouldn't give up and stop.

I will prove to myself that I don't that God people are talking about.

He is not real. If it's he is truly real then His not a good God.

Why is he letting me being like this?. I'm really suffering but it seems like he doesn't even really care about me. They said that God will never abandon you /us because he's always in our side. But why I don't anything? Like being secured? And his presence?. Because he is not real. That's it.

Until I reached three o'clock in the morning. I was unaware of the time, and here I was still awake. But it was as if my drowsiness had just visited me. It wasn't long before I realized that I had fallen asleep.

What is it that I am in a very dark room? But wait, I'm under the bed. I looked at the child who signed not to make any noise to me. I do not understand. I frowned as I looked at her with tears welling up in her eyes. I don't understand but I feel pain and grief. Suddenly I heard male and female voices, and there were other voices shouting.

The female are begging for mercy and  that I heard the man say that they would just kill him, just don't touch his children and wife. I no longer understand how I feel at these times. I was unaware that my fists were clenched.

The the place suddenly change. I saw the man and the woman were tide up and the child. She's crying and begging for help. The girl saying something with no sound.

All of a sudden I heard the shout of a man being beaten by bad people. They dragged the girl and she fell down on the grass. I was helpless just hiding in this dark part of the forest. I do not know what to do. I feel so much pain and grief because of what I am witnessing.

"Please not my daughter. Let her go, get off her!"

The women says with begging tone.

"No, please not my daughter!"

The Man shouted. I looked at the girl who is now mouthing something while looking stare at me.

' please go!. Leave please they are all bad guys, call for a help'

She also did a sign language. And then my tears suddenly fall. My tears didn't stop pouring down on my cheeks.

"If it's not your daughter then, okay you also. It looks like you are still that fresh"

The other guy said to a women who now crying really hard.

" No! Please Don't!"

The Man scream. I turned to a girl who is now being so abused. The girl wanted to shout but no sound came out to be heard here. And here I now realizes that she is dumb. Begging to stop pigging her. The Woman, on the other hand, is the Mother of the child, crying because she sees her child being rape and abused. The male, father of the child. They mercilessly shot the Man and also raped the Mother of the child. And it even tripped their private parts of two people who were crying because of pain and grief. I want to get out of where I am but I'm afraid I might get caught and imitate them.

"Please stop!"

Said the Mother of the child full of pain, bitterness and grief. After what was done to them, I saw a man who was with them grab a gun. They all exploited the mother and daughter. Unable to cope, I came out of my hiding place and shouted to stop them. I can't stand what I am seeing anymore.

"No!!!!!! Stop!!!"

I shouted and it's too late they pulled the trigger of a gun and they mercilessly shoot them in their head, and to all of their naked body.

I lastly heard the scream of a woman before they are not breathing anymore. I was there standing And my knees were tender and I felt numb. Suddenly I fell to my knees as my eyes dimmed because of the tears that kept flowing down on my cheeks. I'm too weak. I did nothing to save them. I am worthless and a nothing.

"No!!!!!"

I scream and then I have realized it's already morning. I immediately got out of the bed and then I felt tears flowing in my eyes. I didn't know it was just a dream. I just woke up. I thought it was true because it seemed to be really true. The scenes was really painful in my chest and too heavy.

"Khiella?. What happened?"

I heard Ezriel voice and he walk in and went closer to me. I didn't know what makes me hug him. I just only know I'm very scared right now, really scared.

"Hey what's wrong?, what's the matter?"

He asked but I didn't answer. I don't know what to say I feel like, I am now a dumb and numb.

I hugged him tight and my tears started to pour down again.

After an half of hour, I decided to let go of him from my tight hug and then we decided to went out of my room and went downstairs.

I can't forget that dream, which seems to be very fresh in the situation and in the feeling.

Who is that girl on my dream?, also the woman and the man that seems it's her parents. What is the meaning of my dreams?.

What kind of puzzle and logic is it?. I don't understand.

"Khiella let's come on in, eat this and we will go to the shop for your wedding dress and my suits. Also we are going now to our designer of the theme and, to a shop for our cakes and others."

"We're going to prepare everything for tomorrow"

I still haven't recovered from my dream, all of a sudden it opens up to me. I almost forgot about the wedding being held tomorrow. Can't name how I feel right now. I don't know how I should feel at these times.