Chapter 25:Ahliyah

Weeks had passed and I was slowly letting the grief take it path. I had taken time for myself to feel every emotion. I allowed myself to be. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing, or what I was supposed to figure out.

'Mom, please help me figure out what I am supposed to do.' I begged.

Elias was leaning on the counter smiling sadly. " I heard about your mothers death. I am truly sorry I know how much she meant to you."

" It's okay. I do have to get to work though."

" No, you won't be working today," He said. " You lost your mom and you need the time to grieve and be happy."

There was a burning feeling in my chest and I glared at him. What did he know? He didn't know anything all he ever did was kick me out and I would've been sleeping on the streets if he wasn't so stuck in his ways. If it wasn't for Carter giving me a place to stay, I would've had no choice but to sleep at a hotel.

Years of running and I was back to where I started. I hated Elias for what he did and I hated him for not understanding what I was going through.

" What do you know, huh? All you did was allow me to stay and when I didn't do what you wanted me to, you kicked me out. Do you know where I would've been sleeping? On the streets somewhere and it was Carter who helped me," I slowly walked to him and I was letting all the anger out. " He helped me and he was there when she died too."

I walked to the door and left as I stepped out of the shop I heard Elias mumble an I'm sorry. On the way home, I cried and cried because she wasn't here to help me. When I got home, I was tired and frustrated of everything. I didn't know what emotion I was supposed to be feeling,

Carter was in the kitchen grabbing himself a soda, I rushed to him quickly and wrapped my arms around him and cried. I cried and pushed him away because it's been weeks and I thought it was going to get better. That maybe this emptiness I felt would go away and I would feel better.

He held me though and allowed me to let all of my anger and sadness out. " What am I going to do? She's gone, she really gone. I don't know what I am doing anymore I am emotionless wreck," I wiped my tears and hugged him tighter.

" It's okay. I lost my mom when I was twelve and I miss her everyday. It gets easier and you'll move on when you are ready to. She still with you, you do know that right?" He asked.

" Yeah, I know. I let all my anger out on Elias and it felt really good, but I feel bad."

" That's okay if you feel bad. You don't have to apologize because those are your feelings."

Carter sat on the couch and cartoons played on the Tv. I sat beside him and kissed his cheek and smiled, even though I was upset

But, I had someone. I had Carter with me and who always be with me, even if things ended between us. He was here with me as I figured out how to handle grief, learning how to accept that my mother was gone and she was not going to be coming back.

" Thanks for letting me cry and getting my anger out. I think I'm going to lay down now." I told him.

I went into our room and grabbed the journals he gave that had everything written in them. I flipped through the pages until I got to the entries he wrote for me.

Dear, Journal

Ahliyah may never see this. Although, I know I should talk about my feelings and tell someone what I've gone through. Would someone like really listen to me? Would she even care? She's came arrived at my apartment with her bags and she going to be staying with me now.

I only met her one time and I know it's sudden, but could I really leave her on the streets?

I flipped to the next page and the journal entries got longer and longer.

Dear, Journal

I think I understand what that feeling people call love feels like. It makes me really happy and butterflies swarm in my stomach.

As Ahliyah and I talk, I feel like I could tell her everything. I feel like I could tell her what happened and she would listen and love me for every bit of emotion I would share and convey in that moment. I thought about giving.

I thought about giving her my journals and confessing that I loved her. That's crazy though. Why would I give her my journals?

I could give them to her and let her read everything for herself if she wanted to. Then tell her I loved her before or after than, but I didn't know what I wanted yet.

I closed the journal and even through all the anger and sadness that o felt after my mother died. I loved Carter so much more, he confessed how he felt and did give me his journals. Was it possible to love someone so much?

I could be mad at Elias for what he did and how he treated me, but I could also be happy. I could be happy that I had Carter in my life, someone I could love and be with. Someone who was going to love me through all of my flaws.

I had someone by my side. I did have to make things right for myself though and move on. I sat on the couch beside Carter and laying my head on his shoulder.

" What's wrong?" He asked.

" I think I want to see my dad. I mean I need the closer and I'm ready to move on."

" I'll be right there if you need anything. Are you sure you want to do this?"

" I'm sure. I need to do this and I think I'm ready." I told him.

I need to forgive and I need to want this for myself and for no one, but me. I knew things between Carter and I were growing and will continue to grow, but I can't grow if I have all this pent up anger inside of me.

Forgiving my dad for myself was a step I was willing to take.

" I love you." I kissed his cheek getting off the couch.

" I love you too."

I showered and laid in the bed thinking about my mom wondering if she was okay wherever she was. I thought about Carter and how I loved him unconditionally and how happiness was easy when I was around him.

Maybe if I let this burden go I had against my father, I would be able to move from Florida like I'd wanted to. Carter and I could grow and move on from our trauma, I needed to move on to be somewhere new.

I prayed everything went well, when I go to my fathers place because this will be a bitter family reunion. Whether I forgave him or not, there were somethings I was not going to forget. I was okay with that.

But, I needed to let that go. Life has been hard enough before I lost my mother and I wanted something different for myself.

I want to be happy on the inside and not just the outside.