Chapter 30: Ahliyah

I closed my eyes and rested my head on my pillow, imagining myself being at the park. Being free. There was no one else there but me. When I opened my eyes, I was no longer at the park. I got out of the bed quietly walking to the kitchen to pour myself some water.

I grabbed my cup of water turning on the lamp and sat on the floor. I grabbed the journals I hid in the drawer in the living room pulling them out to write in one. I opened the journal and I began writing in it. I didn't withhold anything from the pages. The sadness and discomfort I felt slowly began to fade away and I was content with everything around me.

As I put my journal back in the drawer, Carter was leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. " Couldn't sleep?"

I jumped up quickly hiding the journal behind my back and I smiled. " Yeah, I.. I couldn't sleep. What are you doing up?" I asked.

I put the journal in the drawer and sat on the couch playing with the pillows. " I don't know. I thought you decided that you wanted to leave me." He said.

" I wouldn't just leave you." I said.

It seemed like since we talked about what our lives would be without each other, we were going backwards instead of forwards.

" You know," He sighed rubbing the back of his neck. " Maybe we should talk about what life would be like if we weren't together. I don't want us to break up but we have to think about the what if's and I would like to know that you were okay when this ends."

Was this a break up?

Months of us being together and laughing together, wasn't enough for us. Being together and planning our future, wasn't enough. My lip started to tremble and my eyes began to burn from the oncoming tears. Breath, don't cry. I reminded myself.

Don't cry.

I guess if this was the end of us, we could say that it was the happiest moment of our lives. That we made something of the time we had together, even if we were together for a short amount of time. None of the time we spent together went wasted.

" I don't want to think about the what if's though. Why can't we stop worrying about what the future is? Why can't we worry about now?" I asked.

" We should think about it because we're not going to be together forever." He said.

I took a couple of steps back and nodded my head. Carter could of gave us a chance and little bit more time to see where this was going, but it seems like we were going nowhere. We were two people who found each other when we needed each other the most, now that we were okay we didn't need each other anymore.

" Um.. I'm going to grab my things and sleep on the couch then. Guess, we don't need those pictures." I cried.

I grabbed my pillow and blankets and laid on the couch. I cried myself to sleep wondering if this was truly the end of Carter and I, or if we were just trying to start over without each other. As much as I wanted us to last, neither of us could grow with the other.

Sunshine came through the windows and the birds were chirping happily, but my mood didn't match anything. I wanted to lay on the couch watch whatever was on the tv while eating my sorrows in ice cream and pancakes.

Staying on the couch and eating my sadness away wasn't going to help anything. I called the one person I knew who would come over and spend the day with me. As soon as I called Mercedes, she came over with bags of snacks and chocolate.

We sat on the living room floor and as I ate the snacks I wanted to tell her everything. Could I tell her without crying?

" Girl, what's wrong? I've never seen you this sad before. Did something happen? Do I need to beat someone up for you?" She asked.

" Carter said that we should think about what it would be like without each other. Then he said that we were not going to be together forever." I sighed.

Mercedes shoved some chips in her mouth and slumped her shoulders. " Why would he say something like that? You know what never mind, I have a beautiful art studio here and you can stay there until Carter figures things out."

" You don't have to do that," I sighed shrugging my shoulders. " I mean maybe he's right. I should think about life without him. "

Mercedes moved the bowls of snacks and moved closer holding my hands, she sighed. " He's not right because as much as he doesn't think that he doesn't have you, or that he's lost you through all the madness, your still here," She smiled sadly. " Carter needs to know that he's loved. I don't know how but he needs to feel loved. He needs to feel like he belongs."

I shrugged my shoulders resting my head on my knees. I was tired of trying to figure it out, or piece something together and I quickly smiled at her showing her that I was going to be okay, even if I didn't think so.

We watched scary movies and we laid on different ends of the couch hoping nothing tried to get us in our sleep. I laughed as Mercedes jumped and hid behind the pillow from the movie. She talked about her life in Texas and her confusing relationship with Lorenzo.

" I can't wait for you to see my art studio and to finally have some company." She beamed.

" I can't wait either." It wasn't what I wanted, but I wasn't really sure what I wanted either. Was I really scared to let carter go? Was I scared to move on?

It was only months ago we were sitting on that bench overlooking the lake and talking about our past. Where did all that time go now because it felt like I lost all of that and Carter remembered none of it.

I grabbed my bags from the car following Mercedes to her studio. She jumped in excitement as we got closer to the door of her studio. She pulled the keys out of her pockets and smiled. " I've haven't let anyone else in here yet. It might be a little messy in there, I don't really know because I haven't been here for awhile." She said.

I walked inside of the studio and it looked like an apartment. There were paint brushes and cups of water in the living room and dishes piled in the sink.

" This apartment is the best I could do for a studio for now. There's a bedroom down the hall and you can do whatever you want." She said.

Before she left, we grabbed some coffee and she took me to the store to buy myself some snacks. We went back to her studio and she hugged me and whispered in my ear. " Do what you want. Forgive and love yourself because no one else is going to do that for you."

She closed the door and smiled. I sat on the bed with my snacks and watched reality television until the sun set. I was happy with being alone and not thinking about if we were broken up, or if he was going to come and apologize for what he said.

It was going to work out because I wasn't scared of being alone anymore. I was okay with that because that's all I needed.