Chapter 32: Carter

" Have you two crazy love birds made up? I'm don't want to be in the middle of whatever is going on between you to anymore. It breaks my heart when y'all fight." Lorenzo asked.

We were sitting on the couch having a movie night and enjoying life. I spent most of last night apologizing and kissing her showing her that I loved her. There was shift between us somewhere between us I didn't know if what I had said changed her about us, or if she was silently allowing us to fix it.

" We figured it out, I think. I'm not really sure she hasn't said anything else about it."

" Then it's fixed, you fixed your mistake. Don't worry about it or think about it any further." Lorenzo said.

But, was it really that easy? We finished watching our movie, Lorenzo decided he wanted to play a game of cards. Ahliyah dealt the cards and we played round after round of cards, the last game we played Lorenzo decided he wanted to change things up.

" We'll play one more game and we each have to share something the other person doesn't know, or something you want to know from the other person." He said.

My heart raced wondering what was going on inside of Ahliyah's head. As we played my hands were sweating and I watched their hands trying to see who was going to be the first one out. I waited impatiently trying to figure out what Lorenzo was doing this.

Ahilyah placed her last card down holding her head up high as she looked at Lorenzo. He smiled placing his cards under his leg rubbing his hands together. She looked at me and I could see the sadness and frustration behind her eyes.

Was everything really okay between us?

" I forgive you, Carter. What you said hurt me though and I'm trying not to think about it, but it keeps coming up. You've apologize too many times for this fear that has been inside of you for awhile. I'm just trying to come to terms with all of it." She sighed.

She got up and walked into our room and closed the door. " Why'd you do that? You said that it was fixed and not to worry about it." I asked.

" Don't be upset with me, you said you wanted to know. Everything is okay and you shouldn't have to worry about it."

I got up and cleaned up the mess of what was supposed to be us having fun. But, when things seem like they're doing fine it all turns out to fall apart.

" That was not your place to do any of that. You always do things to make yourself look good. Are you happy now? You just might've ruined the one good thing that has been in my life." I shouted.

" You're really mad at me for what I did? You were the one who wouldn't ask her and you're mad at me," he nodded his head and laughed. " You're sitting here doubting yourself and have all these fears and problems and now Ahliyah is the good thing in your life. What about me?" He said angrily.

" You've done nothing besides trying to tear Ahliyah and I apart since we got together. And, what about you? You were not there for everything you only showed up when it benefited you," I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. " At least she was there when I needed her. Where were you? Leave, please."

He nodded his head and left. All of this over some stupid game Lorenzo decided he wanted to play. I grabbed the cards and opened the drawer to place the cards inside, but there was a beautiful journal inside of the drawer. I placed the cards inside and grabbed the journal.

I sat on the couch debating on whether to read what was inside or not. I opened the cover and started reading the first entry.

Dear, journal

I don't know what's been going on between Carter and I. I mean things seem fine one minuet and the next it's like none of it existed. He did bring up something that I can't seem to let go for many reason.

He wants us to plan our future separately and it hurts for me to say this, but what if he's right. I mean we've been together for this long and I know none of this is permanent and I know he'll probably find someone new and forget me.

Planning a life without him seems to be very hard for me. If my mother was still here she would probably tell me it's time I did go move on. How do you let someone go that know all your secrets and fears? How do you let someone go when you love them more than yourself, you don't.

I've planned my life without him though and I thought about leaving and going back to Texas to live the life I was supposed to live and meeting someone new.

I don't really know what I want to do anymore.

Sincerely , Ahliyah

She planned her life without me in Texas. I didn't realize my words bothered her that much. I didn't realize the damage I caused for her.

I rubbed my hands down my face and put the journal back where I found it. I walked to our room hesitating to walk in the room. She was sitting in the bed when I walked in going through her belongings, she looked at me and she had been crying.

" I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that what I said hurt you that much. I love you and I don't want you to feel like you have to plan a life without me. We can get through this together." I told her.

" Can we though? Can we get through this together? Look at us, two broken teenagers trying to mend what's broken in our lives while trying to figure out how to love each other. It's not your fault, but I'm starting to wonder if we can get through this together."

" We could." I mumbled but I was having a hard time believing it too.

" I don't think we can. I keep trying to figure out how to do the right thing and if what I'm doing will hurt you. I don't have everything figured out and I don't think I ever will, but I know the idea of going to Texas without you hurts." She said.

Life had a funny way of teaching us lessons, even when we didn't need them. But, we were never going to figure out how we were going to rebuild a life that we didn't get the chance to live. It was okay that we didn't have it figured out right now, we need to live first before we figured it out.

" You're right." I told her,

The rest of that night we sat in the bed talking about how we were going to live life and how we were going to be kids again. We were moving on from our trauma but living might be the hardest lesson we've learned. This was the only way we could grow and find out what we were missing with each other and ourselves.