Grave

"He wrote a letter for you." Mom handed me a white folded paper. She wiped her tears away using her other hand since the other one is handing me out the letter, waiting for me to accept it. But instead of accepting it, I stared at it.

I think a couple of minutes passed first before I was able to accept it. I felt my body trembling as I opened the folded paper. It was folded four times so when I tried to unfold the first fold there's still three folds I have to unfold too.

"H-he also wrote a letter for Olivia... and Atticus." I heard mom said which made me rose my gaze to her.

I saw her taking out something from her pocket. But she wasn't able to give it right away when her eyes pooled with tears again. She withdraws her hand from her pocket and wipes her tears. But I think that didn't help because instead, her face will become dry after she wiped those, it became wetter now. She turned her back from us and covered her face, crying.

Atticus slowly went to her and took out something from his pocket. I scowl but didn't ask what was it. He handed mom a white cloth which made me realize it was a hanky. Mom removed her other hand from her face and use it to accept the hanky.

After she accepted it, Atticus went on my side. I felt his hand encircled on my waist. Until I realized that I was crying on his chest already. His other hand was caressing my back.

"Yeah, please let it out on me." He whispered.

"Here's the letter he wrote." I heard mom's voice from my back, she's probably facing Atticus now. I can't see her since Atticus is hugging me.

Atti gulp. "Thank you, Ma'am." He formally said.

The day after that, Dad came home. Good thing his company lets him because it is urgent. Dad withdraws his savings in the bank and used it for Nathan's death expenses. I never spoke to anyone ever since the day he died. Good thing Atticus is always on my side.

"S-Sienna," Oli called me with a trembling voice. I looked at her to wait for what she'll say next. "Nathan's classmates are outside. They want to take a look-"

I cut her off. "Don't let them in. No matter what they'll say, I'm sure they're also one of the musts to be blamed for his death." I said firmly. Oli with her puffy eyes nodded at me before walking away. Atticus beside me just tightened his hold on my hand, probably to calm me.

Everything felt fast. Today's the last day that I'll gonna see Nathan's body inside the casket. I wear my ruched bust lantern sleeve swiss dress. When someone said that whoever wants to take a look at Nathan for the last time, I didn't hesitate to stand up and walk towards his casket. He was lying there... peacefully.

"I guess you now find your peace," I whispered painfully.

The next thing I know is that Atticus was holding me tightly as I broke down while trying to escape from his grip so I can stop the funeral staff from bury Nathan.

"Nathan!" I cried out loud his name. "I hate... how you find the place... where you can't... feel pain anymore and just the peace!" I wasn't able to say it all continuously because of the sobs I am fighting to.

"Nathan! Please don't leave me!" I shouted again.

After he was buried the people slowly goes back to their respective households. When Olivia asked me to go home with mom and dad, I immediately refused and choose to stay on Nathan's grave. Atti didn't leave too and choose to accompany me.

"Baby, that's what life is. We don't have a choice but to accept and remember the precious we have with them every time we missed them." He whispered and kissed my forehead.

"The pain is too much for me to just accept it like that. It's not easy at all, Atti." My voice broke.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Did you read his letter for you already?" I asked him when I remembered that he also recieved one.

He nodded. "I did."

I wiped my tears. I opened my handbag and took out the white folded paper from it. Nathan's letter that he wrote for me.

I wasn't able to open this right away the day mom gave it to me. So I decided to read it on his grave instead. I took a deep breath before unfolding it.

Dear Sienna,

I am probably no longer breathing the moment this paper was handed out to you. I am so sorry. This paper consists of everything I wanted to say to you but I am just embarrassed.

For all the times I need someone, you were there. For all the times I am in pain, you were there trying to take the pain away from me.

Every minute I had here on Earth won't be such a memorable moment to remember without you.

I am sorry if I come up with this kind of idea. I am sorry if I wasn't able to tell you everything I am carrying every day. I am sorry if I can't any longer be there for you in your toughest time where you need someone too.

Don't get mad at anyone and blame them for my death, okay? Promise me you won't.

I am so thankful that you became my sister. You really are a big sister!

I know I am not that vocal towards you but I really love you.

The place called home won't feel like home without you.

I hope you'll get through the battles that you aren't telling anyone.

I am sorry for choosing this peace.

Please stop worrying...

Because now,

I find the peace I am longing

I am at peace now.

Your brother,

Nathan