18 ==> Disappointment

The yellow blood finally made eye contact with you before she spoke, "I need access to your right shoulder." Her voice came off a little rude and demanding.

You tried to swallow some saliva down to moisten your dry throat, but it only made the situation worse with the other two trolls staring you down. Lifting up the right arm, you rested it onto the counter and took a deep breath. With the tips of your fingers fumbling with the edge of the black sleeve, your eyes hover across to your brother.

He seemed to be getting a bit impatient with you just standing there as he let out a puffy sigh, grabbing the base of your wrist and tugging at the sleeve himself. "Let's just get this over with, it'll be quick and- ..."

As soon as he went silent, you looked away from the self-inflicted wound. Blood rushed to your pained features in embarrassment and shame. The lingering silence in the room was horrible, making you want to never see your brothers face again. Even now, you could sense his anger and dissatisfaction leaking from his every surface.

Then you smelt the charring of burnt flesh lingered through the air. "Ahh!?" You instinctively yanked away from the counter, but the sizzling of burnt flesh popped into your hearing ducts. With a quick glance, you already knew what happened and winced some more at the charred sight.

You quickly shot a glare at the clerk, who was retreating the hand-held gadget behind the cage and avoided looking upwards again. "You'll be starting within a few months so the paperwork can process. Let the wounds- erm... The burns heal and don't let water touch it for at least a week." She then quickly gathered some folders and disappeared around the corner.

With the yellow blood gone, you were left with a silent brother. You dared to slowly meet his eyes, but you already knew what to expect and that's what you got. His expression was painful to even stare at, lips partly open, brows furrowed together, and eyes that resembled an unclear emotion. He then grabbed whatever paper that was left on the counter and shoved it against your chest, you stumbling back with the surprising force. You watched in shock as he left without a word, without you.

"H-Hey!" You stuttered and ran out the door after him, gripping the paper in one hand and catching up to his longer strides. "Kankri, you can't just leave me like that!"

Kankri suddenly stopped and turned to face you, angrily glaring. "After what I discovered in there, you expect me to be fair? I thought we were over and past this, but apparently not."

"I... I'm sorry..." Your voice quivered as your brows knitted together in a pained expression. Kankri was more than pissed, but you were tongue tied and couldn't think of anything else to say. Nothing would make you sound genuinely apologetic because no matter what lies you tell, you knew the pain was deserving. How can you explain that to a blood relative without it sounding demented?

"No, Karkat, you're not sorry. You're never sorry for this! Do you... Do you even realize how much this hurts me to see you destroy your own skin like this?!" He grabbed at the arm he knew was damaged, shaking it close to your own face before he roughly let go. In his eyes, you could see the pain. Pain that you unintentionally caused because of your own choice. You could also see the disappointment that lingered close to the surface, something that almost made you lose the tears that are threatening release.

Your lip trembled in place as the only thought leaked out into a pathetic plea, "Please don't tell dad." The one troll you fear more than Kankri, or even Kanaya finding out that you're back to the old habits again. Though he was never aware before, the unknowing fact of what his reaction might be will always have a spot where your fears are stashed.

To your dismay, your brother started slowly shaking his head. "I'm severely disappointed in you, brother." Without another word said, he started towards the direction home as your feet stayed firmly planted on the dirt floor.

A mixture of emotions began to knot up your insides, the suffocating sensation of being choked yet still able to breathe was present, and it all bundled up into something wanting to burst out of your enervated lungs. Nothing came out though, as you stood there and wanted to scream at the top of your lungs, punch at a passing trollian, even cry, but the outburst never came. Instead, your legs started to carry you off the premises and into the intertwining woods not far.

Though you have lived in this ghetto for as long as you could remember, the woods have always been an uncharted territory from your grubhood. You were warned of the dangers of lurking creatures, but as the sweeps flew by, you grew to understand the scare tactics just to keep a youngling from wandering off. It was merely another lie you were told to believe in being scared of the unknown possibilities, but you never thought of something you used to fear be a representation of life itself. Full of those empty lies and fearful possibilities, it was ironic to even muster the thought.

There were no designated paths to walk, other than the one you managed to make yourself. The trees and foliage were spacious of another, leaving small areas of soft grass and shrubs to grow without worry of over-crowding. Though the leaves from the trees blocked most of the sunlight, little beams found it's way to peak through and make the ground seem like two different worlds.

You spotted a larger tree with a twisted and uneven trunk lurking in the back with not so many beams of sunlight surrounding it. Though it could be called an ugly and misshapen root sticking out of the ground, you felt a little connection with the loneliness of how it looked and decided to keep it company.

Plopping yourself down and leaning your back against the hard bark, your eyes traveled upward towards the reaching branches as a single tear finally dropped down your cheek.

'I'm severely disappointed in you, brother.' Kankri's voice echoed and shattered into the cranium of your thoughts. It kept repeated itself over and over like a sad song on replay, making that lingering and choking feeling worsen every time you breathe. Your fingers automatically combed through your messy hair, balling the clumps into your fists as your breaths became ragged and uneven.

'You're a fucking disappointment to even your own brother.'

'What kind of sick fuck hurts his own blood like that?'

'Why don't you just die in a hole already?'

Then, you finally broke down. The voices were too much right now, practically begging you to end your own life. Your weak cry leaked out into the air in a violent uproar as the tears began to flood down your features. You couldn't stop yourself from screaming out into the open while your fists pulled at the strands of hair on your head, trying to drown out the constant voices chattering inside.

They were right, you were such a sick fuck for letting him down. The one of few people that truly cared, that didn't take advantage of you, that had took on the role as your father figure throughout your childhood; disappointed in you. Though, it was your own damn fault for breaking again, to travel down the road of self-destruction and immerse in the feeling of slicing open your own grey flesh.

'You deserved it.'

Your lips breathed an 'I know' in response to the voice, as the rest of the air in your lungs forced itself out just to make those last words. The scream took most of it though as even holding your own head up was exhausting enough. Defeated was the term you're feeling right now, more so than devastated, vexed, frustrated, sorrowful, the list could go on honestly. The worst feeling ever is to have someone you love, be disappointed, yet a mental image of your father exploding into a fit of rage when you see him again is also something to consider. It's going to be literal hell when you manage enough courage to go back and face the consequences, but for now this tree is your home.

The voice slowly died down and now left you with a writhing sense of silence, a more deadly kind as you rolled your head back to rest on the rough bark. Tears streaked down your face in a quiet, taunting way that just made the sense of worthlessness rise.

"Karkat? Is that you?"