“So close so far”

I could feel my heart pounding uncontrollably against my chest as I drove to who knows where in a stranger's car, while terrifying thoughts of my dark future raced aimlessly through my mind.

I couldn't help but feel my anxiety grow at a steady rate as the fancy car sped along the wide Lagos express and the nice owner who was kindly taking me closer to my dreaded destination sang cheerfully to every song that popped up on the radio. My future scared me, my past made me sad, and there was no way I could stay in the present because time itself graciously kept ticking and drawing me closer to my unpredictable future with each passing second.

The burning in my lungs and chest increased a hundredfold as I watched in horror as the nice woman slowly swerved the car to the side of the road and parked it beside a massive ancient-looking house that would have looked much nicer if someone had taken the time to maintain its painted walls and exterior fixtures.

"Here we are?" the lady asked, suspiciously eyeing the building. Mumbling to herself about getting the address wrong, she carefully began scanning the letter I had given her earlier and then moved on to assessing the address on her car's GPS, but she still didn't appear convinced that we were in the right place.

Gulping I stared at the building in front of me, new fears joining my previous ones. There had to be a mistake somewhere because this couldn't be it...could it?

"Is this your home, young lady?" When she noticed I didn't make any move to get out of the car, the woman became concerned.

"Are you certain this is the correct address?" I finally expressed my concern, with undeniable sadness in my eyes and voice, but I already knew the answer to my question. The woman quickly skimmed through the letter in her hand again, turned to me, and nodded in agreement. Oh shit!

"What's the problem? Is this not where you live, dear?" She looked at me puzzledly when she noticed my body sunk deeper into my seat, looking sadder than anything she'd ever seen.

*****

I had never imagined my birth mother could be living so close to me in all the years I had lived with my father, but here I was after a fifteen-minute drive, sitting in the passenger seat of a stranger's car, staring straight at my mother's supposed residence. Life is a real bitch.

Everything became blurry around me, and my heart began to hurt horribly. While my dam of tears finally broke, my mind began to battle wildly with a strong sense of confliction. A large part of my heart denied that my mother lived so close to Peter and me but chose to be so far away from us. To be clear, she never thought it was appropriate to drop by.

What did we do so wrong that we were subjected to such harsh punishments? Hadn't we already been through enough?

As the painful realization hit me, I unconsciously began to harbour a faint hope in my heart that the massive structure in front of me had nothing to do with my birth mother, and that there had to be some kind of mix-up somewhere that would eventually be cleared up. But, as much as I wished for that, another part of my heart yearned to see and hug my mother so badly that it hurt physically. Finally, there was a section called reality that reminded me that this was my one and only chance; either my mother was there to accept me or I was back on the streets.

"Young girl, are you okay?" I felt the lady tap and lightly shake me as fear and concern dominated her voice and face. That's when I realized I had, at some point during my conflict, switched from quietly sobbing to full-on bawling.

Wiping my tears away with the back of my hand, I looked up at the woman's concerned expression and asked, shakily,

"Please, ma'am, could you walk me up to the door?" I begged, adding, "Just until the door opens and someone steps out."

"Of course, let's go, dear." She smiled and moved to get out of the car, but I quickly grabbed her hand and forced her to sit back down and face me.

"Could you please give me a minute to calm my racing heart, ma'am?" I asked, giving her a sad smile, and she obliged with one of her own.

"Have you been away from your family for a long time?" the woman inquired, her gaze fixed on me as I struggled to keep my entire body from shaking.

"It's been over nine years."