2015 Part 2

This specific episode only happened six day after the first on for the year 2015. These episodes; like I said happened very often. Sometimes very close in proximity with each other as well. So, it did not give me really much time to recuperate after the events of the previous episodes.

We are still at school when the event takes place. In my speech class of my senior year. I remember the day very well. It was extremely cloudy like it was about to rain at any given moment. My teacher was complaining about the weather while teaching us what an informative speech was before we took our chapter test later that class. Irony was working at it's finest in this moment really. When she was done some of my classmates and I were talking to each other quietly. Just waiting to take our test on the last chapter we just finished the days prior. Though, before going any further there is one thing that needs to be mentioned. Or, in this case a person. For you see; the person that just so happened to trigger my episode last time. He has the fault of this one as well. To this day he does not know that he has caused them, and I would like to keep it that way.

My classmates and I continued talking. I kept mentioning how I was worried that I was not going to do well or even fail the test, and that I didn't study enough. Since these guys were also my friends they reassured me that I would be fine. Majority of the material was common sense and knowledge anyways (which I did indeed pass with flying colors). I told them that they were more likely right, and that I was just not as prepared as I was for the last test. I laugh it off, continuing to review from the previous chapter looking through the study guide. Then I hear that same cold, empty and harsh tone that I heard from last time. He turns to face us from his desk and yells. "Will you just shut up already! You are so annoying. You just need to think before saying anything to anyone!". I flinch as he turns to face the front of his desk to continue his studies for the studies. I feel it happening. Coming back like a shadow in a dark hall waiting for you as you walk down it. The closer you get the bigger the shadow seems to grow. I find it very hard to breathe or concentrate. The first thing I can think of doing to try and ground myself is doodling on the very back of my notebook. I was very afraid that it was going to take control of me again. I tried y best to be calm, even and collected so I can make it through the rest of the class, and still take the test. But, I knew better. I knew that I was going to crack at any given minute. The girls I was talking to look back and forth wondering who in the world he was talking or referring to. I look back at them, and see them with bizarre looks on their face as I told them he was referring or talking to me. They fall silent. Time goes on painfully slow as I tried to finish the test. But, I did not feel any closer to the ground than when it began. I needed to ground myself and soon. I knew I was either going to break down or shut down at any given moment, so I needed to get away to breathe. I asked the teacher if I could use the restroom which she agreed to. Luckily she wasn't one of those teachers that never let their students use the restroom. I slowly made my way down the long hallway that led to the water fountain at the end of it. I took a drink, counted to ten, and then slowly started to slowly head my way back to the classroom. I felt weak and out of it. Like I wasn't really there. Felt like it was in a third person perspective and I was just watching everything happen in front of me. Everything from seeing myself walk to even trying to breathe. All I wanted to do then was to curl up into a tight ball and sleep it all away.

As I made my way back I could see another classmate talking to the teacher outside the classroom quietly. they turned to face me as they heard my footsteps drawing closer to them. The teacher asked for my side wondering what was wrong, and what happened. I explained everything to her with my classmate vouching for me. I also mentioned how I didn't want the classmate on who's fault it was to get into trouble since I was sure he probably didn't mean it. She reluctantly agreed, and asked if I was okay. I really wasn't okay, but I lied to her anyways saying that I was. I didn't want another person worrying about my problems. I did end up telling her about my PTSD, and that I had to leave the classroom to try and reground myself.

A plus did come with all of this believe it or not. Up until that moment I had not chosen a topic for my informative speech for the class. So, all of that really set the stage for that in a really messed up way. Yes, for those wondering I did indeed pass the speech with flying colors while also educating my classmates in something new that they maybe have heard of, but many new nothing about. I myself also found out new information that I did not know that helped me in the long run. Good things can always come from terrible or bad things in life. It is your decision if you choose to do something with it. You can either let it hold you back or make you stronger for the better.

It was this episode though that solidified it for me. I told myself after episode number three I would try and receive help. My PTSD doesn't define me. It doesn't control me, or have any say in how my day is going to go. I define me, and only me. I'm a singer, an author, an actor, a gamer and a sister. I am so much more, and offer so much to the world. So, now now each time I do have an episode I tell myself that this isn't me.