2015

The time was 2015. The start of my senior year. During this time I went all of my sophomore and junior year with minimal to no episodes throughout the school years. the first two months of my senior year though; I had six major episodes. During the time this was very bad for my parents and me. The episodes were not only more often, but varied in difference compared to the ones I would have only two years earlier.

What I quickly learned throughout the process is that mental disorders adapt with you. When the rest of your body and mind matures so does everything else that comes with. The mental illnesses can evolve with your mind. What may have worked for you then to help may not work now since the wiring has changed a bit. I know I had multiple cases that this was the problem, but the best way to handle it is to adapt with it as well. Try something new. It is interesting and scary all at the same time. As someone who has an interest in learning the human mind; this is something that I get to learn and research about to help myself understand what all was going on. Then, there is the other side of me. The other side that is just a regular person going through it all. The person that just wants it all to end really. The side that thinks that what I am going through is utterly terrifying. The mind is very complicated, and these events prove just that.

One of the first episodes I can remember happened in my senior math class. There was a total of nine people in that class including myself. Yes just nine people. The class was a sort of make up class if you still needed a certain amount of math credits to graduate in the same year originally expected. So, everyone in this class were seniors just like me. Earlier that morning some of us found out that the fatal crash that happened over the weekend involved a classmate's mother. She was the person that tragically passed away only one or two days prior to us being in school. Our classmate was still strong enough to come to school and try to be as normal as possible, so he wouldn't have to miss more than necessary with the funeral coming up or anything else that would happen. We were discussing in class how his younger sibling was doing. My siblings went to school with them so they have vocalized what was going on. They said how the sibling was for the most part acting normal and strong for the time being. I vocalized my worry that they might blow up soon with keeping everything pretty much under wraps for the most part. Then, another classmate on my other side less than six feet away from me started yelling at me. "What would you F*** expect! Their mom's dead!"

The way he said it in such a cold way triggered something in me that made me feel very uneasy. My first instinct has always been for the longest time flinching, and that's what happened. I felt my body go into survival mode. I wanted to cry at any given moment, but I didn't let that happen. As class went on I felt myself slowly shutting down, and I just let it happen. It was almost like flipping a switch. Turning myself off. feeling very numb; no emotions at all. I remember asking to use the restroom so I could try and ground myself, but that didn't work in the slightest. All I wanted to do was to go home, and nothing else. For the rest of the day I was off balance. Turned off really. When people or friends would ask me how I was doing I put on the fakest smile I could muster letting them know I was okay. I didn't really care at the time if they believed me or not. I didn't want to bother anyone with my issues. I worked some of the little energy I had in my P.E. class in hope that it would help, but nothing would help until my last class of the day. Chorus. Music has always played a huge part of my life helping me when I was at my lowest. My chorus teacher; without her even knowing really; helped so much with my mental health. Being able to just escape the world, and jus enjoy singing my heart out with how I felt. I also quickly found out that I had my drawing and the theatre to help my mental stability. When I finally got home it was like the flood gates let loose. Everything turned back on like a flip of a switch. I started crying and balling. It started getting harder to breathe as I try to calm down. My vision was going in and out as I felt like I was going to pass out. There was one person that was there that helped bring me back to earth that day. It was my mom, and she still does sometimes when I am having a really bad day. Both her and my father are huge in supporting and helping me. But, she helped calm me down and talk out how I was feeling during that exact moment. She would also ask how I felt and what happened when the episode first happened. She helped me figure out new ways on how to deal with everything.

My reawakened PTSD was only starting. It would get worse as time went on. But, that is one of the main reasons why this book exists in the first place. to write out how I was or am feeling during the time. To help myself, but now to help others as well. Because we don't want mental illnesses to take control of us. Everyday we fight and continue fighting showing how strong we are.