I Need Help To Make Myself Okay

(Damon's POV)

"Mr. Tipton, good to see you. Come on in." Dr. Gordon spoke after opening the door to his office.

I stood up from the couch of the waiting area and went into the office to begin the session. Just because I started coming back doesn't exactly mean I enjoyed it anymore than I did the before. I still didn't want to be here but it was something that had to be done. Not just for me but for my family, I needed to stick with it this time.

"How are you doing?" Dr. Gordon asked as we both took a seat across from each other.

"I'm alright." I answered.

"The last time you were here I asked you to write a new impact statement before you came. Do you have that?" Dr. Gordon questioned.

"Yes." I sighed as I reached into one of the inside pockets of my suit and pulled out a folded up piece of paper.

"Good." Dr. Gordon was pleased with my response. "I still have the statement from the first time we attempted treatment. I would like to have you read the one you brought today to see the difference between how you're dealing with things now."

"Whatever." I muttered.

"Whenever you're ready." Dr. Gordon sat patiently while he waited for me to begin.

"I don't see what the point of this is. We've already done it." I made sure the irritation was clear in my voice. I didn't feel like this was necessary.

"We did it months ago, now it seems the trauma has impacted you even more now since you stopped treatment. Like I told you last week, we need to start over." Dr. Gordon explained.

"But it's just fucking pointless!" My voice raised. "I'm here to move forward, not to do the same bullshit all because I left. Now let's get to where I left off. I need to fix things and adding more weeks than necessary isn't going to help!"

"It's not that easy Mr. Tipton. You left, that made this all go so much deeper than it was before." Dr. Gordon responded calmly. It was like he expected this reaction from me.

"Is blaming your patient necessary to help them Dr. Gordon?" I raised a brow at him.

"I never put the blame on you." He spoke confidently. "If I'm being honest I'm really not surprised that you did leave treatment."

"What do you mean?" His words had me curious.

"You're not used to not being in control and it bugs you. In here you have to admit to things that you haven't before. You have to face feelings you would rather avoid." Dr. Gordon seemed to study my face as he continued speaking. "A lot more people than you'd think actually quit treatment the first time around, especially the ones who think similarly like you."

"So what exactly is your point here?" I scoffed.

"The point is you came back. Tell me again Mr. Tipton, why did you come back?" Dr. Gordon's eyes were still on me.

I let out a sigh. "Because I need help. I need help to make myself okay so that I can get back to my normal, so I can get past this and move on with my family."

"Exactly." Dr. Gordon responded. "Now are you ready to go over that impact statement yet?"

I unfolded the piece of paper. "I understand the shooting occurred because someone has it out for me. I've made quite a number of enemies in my past because I never thought it would come back on me. And even if I did, I always felt confident enough that I would be able to handle it."

Dr. Gordon nodded as he glanced down to his clipboard he was taking notes on.

I let out another sigh as I continued reading the statement I had written up. "The impact on myself probably is about the same, maybe a little worse. At least before I was pretty up front with my feelings on struggling. This time I hid it from my wife and I feel like shit. Not only have I fucked myself up even more, I put my marriage and family into jeopardy."

"Have you had any contact with your wife since the last appointment?" Dr. Gordon asked.

"Yeah actually." I couldn't help but let a small smile cross my lips for a moment. "She let me see her and the kids last week. I was surprised but it actually gave me some hope. And her words made me feel like maybe there is still a fighting chance for us."

"That's good." Dr. Gordon wrote on his clipboard and then looked back at me. "Did you talk to your wife about attending the sessions with you once you hit the halfway point?"

"Yes. She's willing to come and be a part of them." I answered. "Do you think her attendance can really fix our trust issues that I created?"

"I believe it can." Dr. Gordon nodded. "But ultimately that's up to the two of you. I can only help you both get feelings out and to help process them. But some people take lying about something like this as a big thing, which it is. If she's open to coming though it's a good sign."

I continued on with the rest of the impact statement. It pretty much went through how my trauma has affected others and my views on the world around me. It was all pretty similar to my first impact statement except the impact statement for others had more added to it. It helped really open my eyes to the way all of this must have made Kaydence feel. And I didn't do this just to her once, but twice.

"Well I think we have done enough for today." Dr. Gordon spoke once we had finished going over everything. "For the next appointment I want you to write in detail about the experience again. We can go over in depth the thoughts and feelings you have towards it."

"Again?" It was as annoying as doing this damn impact statement all over.

"It's all part of the process Mr. Tipton." Dr. Gordon reminded me with a stern tone.

"I know. I'll do it." I responded. I had to do whatever was asked of me to make the progress again. "Can I get another slip to verify to my wife that I made it here today."

"Of course." Dr. Gordon scribbled his signature onto another piece of paper for me to take.

It probably seemed ridiculous. Like a child taking a note to their mother. But if this helped my case then it was worth it. I wanted her to know I was actually trying. With the broken trust my words wouldn't be enough for her and I understood that.

"You know Mr. Tipton, even though you skipped out after a few sessions I can tell they still helped you." Dr. Gordon spoke up again as I was heading to exit his office. "I still think you can make a promising recovery."

I nodded. "I sure fucking hope so."