CHAPTER 18

I slowly woke up with my alarm ringing. I got up and turned it off only to get back in bed and sink into my blankets. I didn't feel like going to school today. I looked at my phone at the time.

Should I skip? I couldn't bear seeing Ian or Zach to be honest. Or anyone else frankly. I just wanted to stay in bed.

I rolled around and groaned, feeling sick to my stomach. It wouldn't hurt to skip one day.

I sank deeper and felt it get hot under my blankets. But I didn't care. I didn't feel like moving. I just wanted to sleep the day away. Soon the heat got unbearable for me and I removed my head to get some fresh air. As if on cue my phone dinged and I looked at it seeing a text from my mom.

Mom- 'I'm going out right now so I'll see you after school honey.'

I sighed and grabbed my phone to respond to her.

Me - 'I'm actually staying home today. Don't feel good. I'll see you when you get home.'

I heard another ding from my phone but didn't bother to check it. It was probably just my mom wanting to check on me. I didn't feel like answering. I closed my eyes ready to fall asleep again but when I did all my memories of before came rushing in and I jolted up.

"Ok so sleeping is a no go."

I sat up in my bed still not wanting to get out. I stared at my phone and groaned before grabbing it.

Mom - 'I hope you're ok sweetie. When I get home let's watch a movie together like old times.'

I smiled at her text and responded with a simple 'sounds good' before putting my phone back. I looked at my tv and contemplated what I wanted to do. Not feeling up for any games I decided to lay back down and just stare at my ceiling. Since I decided to stay home I had a lot of time to think. But I didn't really want to think. Not when I knew where all my thoughts would lead.

As I laid there I couldn't help but think about my brother up in Minnesota. I miss him. I got my phone and looked at his contact.

Maybe I can call him.

I pressed the call button and put my phone up to my ear waiting for him to pick up only to get sent to voicemail saying to leave a message. I sighed and put on a fake smile hoping it'd pull through my voice.

"Hey Michael, it's your sister, Jessica. I just wanted to ask you how you are. I hope you're eating well." I paused for a second feeling tears start to fall. "I miss you. Please call me."

I ended the message after a couple more tears fell and took in a shaky breath.

I wish he'd come home sometime. I miss him. There's not much I can do about that though. He chose to be distant from the family. He chose to live his life alone. Still, he doesn't text me anymore or tell me anything. I wish he'd at least text me every once and a while. I sighed. It doesn't matter. He's just gonna do what he wants to do. I can't control anything. It would be nice to have his help on this. I wish I could rely on him like I used to. But I can't with him so far away.

I miss dad too.

I pushed my thoughts away seeing that I was already getting too deep into them. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. I went to the freezer and grabbed one of our small things of ice cream and then a spoon. I opened it up and dug in. I took the ice cream over with me to the couch in the living room and turned on the tv seeing it was already on the cooking channel. But I wasn't in the mood for that. I picked up one of our many remotes and opened up Netflix. I found a random show that looked interesting and let it play. I kept eating the ice cream as I sat there and binge watched the show.

Good. Now I'm not thinking.

After a while of sitting there I realized I left my phone in my room and decided to put the ice cream up and paused the show to go get my phone. I walked into my room and saw my phone where I left it and grabbed it. I turned it on and saw a couple texts from Zach and Ian. I swiped them away and didn't bother looking at them. I don't need to think about them. I'm having some me time right now. No boys whatsoever.

When I walked back into the living room I saw my mom coming in through the front door. When she saw me she gasped and looked at me with shock. It took me a second to realize why.

"Oh my god what happened to you?"

I opened my mouth to try and say something only for a nervous chuckle to come out.

"I fell down a flight of stairs?" I said it like a question. I had my hands behind my back and I was fidgeting with them. I looked down to the ground, not able to handle the expression on her face. She looked so upset. I could hear her walk up to me. She raised my head and moved me around as if to inspect me.

"Honey this isn't you falling down the stairs. Who did this?"

I sighed and moved my head out of her hold.

"It's a long story, mom. I can't tell you."

"Like hell you can't tell me!" She yelled. I looked over at her from the side. "I'm your mother. I need to know what's going on with you. Especially when you end up looking like that." She gestured at all of me.

I groaned and sat down on the couch and looked up at her. I patted the seat next to me.

"You might wanna sit down."

She sat down next to me and I told her the gist of things. She knew I was bullied beforehand due to me being friends with Zach so it wasn't too much of a surprise. I left pretty much everything out just saying that he broke up with his girlfriend and she blamed me for why he did that. When she found out she got up and started walking over to the kitchen table where her phone was.

"I ought to call the parents of these young ladies! And the school for that matter for allowing this!"

I quickly got up and stopped her.

"No! Mom, you can't do that! That will just cause more trouble."

"Honey, I love you and I care what you think but this is where I take charge."

She started to walk around me when I blocked her again.

"Mom, just please don't worry about it. I can take care of myself. Besides, after Christmas break it's like one more semester and then I'll never have to see her or the others again. It's no use making such a hassle with just a few months of school left."

She stopped and looked off to the side as if really thinking about it. There was a bit of silence before she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Alright, fine. But if you come home like this again or worse, I'm calling people."

I sighed and relaxed a bit before looking back up at her. "Deal."

"You okay, though? It looks like it hurts."

I nodded my head and bit my lip feeling like I could cry.

"Yeah. Just didn't feel like going to school today after what happened."

She laughed a little. "I wouldn't want to either!"

I laughed a little at what she said before she walked up to me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"Oh sweetie I'm sorry. You want to watch a movie like the good old times?"

"Yeah. You pick the movie."

My mom shined at the suggestion I made and went off to where we keep our movies. I laughed a little and went over to the couch and picked up a pillow hugging it. It smelled like her. Her perfume. I smiled happy to still have her in my life.

"How does Grease sound?"

I shook my head and kept in a laugh.

"Sounds great mom."

She got excited and put in the disk before jumping on to the couch. She hugged me from the side and kissed my cheek.

"I love you honey."

"I love you too mom."

When the movie finished mom and I went to get some dinner. When we came back mom said she was tired and headed to her room. It was around 11 now as I sat in my room watching that show on Netflix from earlier.

As I was watching my phone dinged and I picked it up having completely forgotten about the texts from Ian and Zach. I opened up their texts seeing the same from both of them asking where I was and if I was ok. I replied the same thing to both of them.

Me - 'I'm fine. Stayed home sick. Sorry for worrying you.'

After I sent that Ian responded immediately.

Ian - 'lol is that what you're telling everyone? good excuse. You feeling ok though?"

Me - 'Yeah.'

I put my phone up after sending that and realized Zach didn't respond to me. But then again he was probably at practice. Thinking about him at practice I couldn't help but think of the parties they do after games. I never liked those parties. I didn't like him going to those and getting drunk and whatnot. I trusted him not to do anything extremely bad while there but still, it made me uncomfortable. I wish he just didn't go to them.

As I was thinking about him I saw that I got a message from him.

Zach - 'I'm coming over.'

I quickly grabbed my phone and struggled to respond to him fast enough.

Me - 'No!'

Zach - 'Why?'

Me - 'You just can't. Please just go home and get some sleep. When can talk some other time.'

I took in a deep breath having diverted a crisis and felt some weight lift off my shoulders. I couldn't let him come here and see me like this. He would ask me way too many questions and I know he would actually do something. He was harder to convince than my mom.

But more than anything I was just scared of what I would do when I saw him. With how my thoughts have been I don't think I could control myself. But I can't do anything. I'm with Ian.

I sighed and laid down on my bed just listening to the show. I stopped it and turned off my t.v feeling a headache coming on.

I've got myself in a real predicament here. Just what am I going to do? I have two guys who like me and I was forced to be with one of them. They were both amazing. I had known Zach my whole life and Ian only for a bit. And yet Ian was who saved me yesterday. Zach is what caused yesterday.

I can't do anything. At this point I'm just going to go along with things. There's no reason to put so much stress on this since I can't control things.

As I said that to myself I couldn't help but still feel a little stressed. I sighed.

This is more difficult then it looks. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I can't just sit back and let things happen.

As I laid on my bed I rested an arm over my eyes and took in a deep breath. My phone dinged as I laid there and I contemplated on whether I should pick it up or not. I didn't feel like talking to anyone really.

Still my curiosity got the best of me and I ended up getting my phone anyway.

Zach - 'I love you Jessica. I hope you're ok.'

He said it again. He sure did like throwing those words around. It almost made them seem meaningless. And yet as I said that I still knew he meant it. Every single time. And everytime it makes my heart flutter, my stomach flips, and makes me smile.

This is going to be hard.