Chapter 9: Puzzled feelings

Life is full of decisions. From the moment you wake up. Until the time you go to sleep. You are given choices. Which are sometimes easy, but it gets harder. Thats when a dilemma kicks in. A predicament in which you cant choose what you should do. Because both choices seem right, yet you know choosing one is letting go of another. It may be an object, person or a part of yourself. We dont want to lose anything. Thats how greedy people are. We always want everything to choose both. But there are instances you cant. Thats why you overthink it. You took so long to decide. You lose the chance to even choose. Some choose to just wing it, to let fate decide and blindly choose. But knowing me I cant do that. Cause I overthink too much. Thats why here I am. Unable to do anything. Stuck between the present and the past, to hope or to leave. This is my dilemma. Because seeing her smile with John is making me think. That Im just an extra in this story. A character not needed. A bystander in the mass. Whos purpose is nothing. Its an obvious choice. I should leave knowing that she will never have any recollection of me. Yet here I am still hoping. What am I hoping for? Every time I remember that very moment when I heard from her mouth that John was her boyfriend, I already shouldve made up my mind. But the scales keep tipping to the other side. When I remember all the moments we had together, all the times we meet. We talked, smile and laugh. All of those memories are making me hope. But all those hope are being shot down by the cruel reality that I know. The reality of her never being able to remember me.

It was Saturday. My usual day off. Where I get to conceptualize what poems Ill write about on the next edition. This time is also where I usually carry on writing my book, in which I started when we met each other again. Its been seven years since I started writing this. Ive started once again lately. But now I cant continue once more. Still cant think of an ending. I want to at least make the lead character in the book Im writing brave enough to say what he feels. But I cant because I dont have any idea how to be brave. Its funny how as I write this book. I keep on writing certain events that really happened to me. Still like the main character in the story, I too am confused on what to do. Ive been staring at the same blank page for hours. Many thoughts running through my mind. Wondering upon the memories of me and Ana. Thinking what does it all mean if Im the only one who can remember it. Im still lost right now. Then something pulled me out from my overthinking. A text message.

Hey its me Ana. Well today is a weir day for me. Can we meet?

I dont know how to reply from that. The whole day Ive been overthinking about her. Then here she is. Texting me. What should I do know? The questions kept on piling up on my head. I still cant figure out what action should I take, Im not brave enough to just say. Sure lets meet. And what if this is just a repeat of the other day? What if once again John is with her. I dont want to be reminded anymore that Ive lost. That unlike John I didnt have the courage to look for the person I love.

You busy? You could at least text me back or something she texted again

Now what. Hero goes another dilemma. Should I pretend to be busy or should I go. What am I supposed to do. My thoughts are mess. I cant think straight. Then again my heart decides. I set my sights on something. Im thinking right now. That maybe this is what I need. A moment with her to decide. Thats why I texted back.

Sorry for the late reply where should we meet?

Then that was it, this was the moment where extra characters like me get to be part of the plot. Where we get to say at least our one line in the story. This is where Im planning to tell her everything. Yet I dont know whether if shell believe me or think of me as making stuff. Minutes passed and there she was. Right in front of me. With that same smile, those innocent eyes, that serenading voice. That always causes me mixed emotions. And removes this heavy feeling that I have.

Im happy to see you again the words just came out my mouth

Aww well I cant say the same because for me its the first time so sorry about that

Its fine, I actually have a lot to tell you. But promise me youll hear me out. I know youre the one who asked for us to meet. Yet Im the one who has something to say. Its actually a lot.

Well go on ahead, Ill listen to you. Still this is weird for me. Because to me your still a stranger. But go on ahead I will listen

First of all, Im Joseph. This is probably one of the many first meets we had for you. But for me. We have met a lot. I know you from seven years ago. But you dont remember that. Yet I remember everything so clear. We bumped into each other in a bridge. You were lost that day. You dont have a clue on how to get home. Thats why I helped you. That was the real first time we met. Then there was the event at the plaza. In which I heard you sing. It was also the day you gave me courage to stand on stage. And recite a poem that I made. You are always giving me courage to do things. You gave me happiness. But also sadness. Because I was there. When you suddenly collapsed and have to get hospitalized. I was there when your parents told me you need to go abroad for better treatment. But for seven years, I wasnt there anymore. Because I lost contact with your parents. For seven years Ive been clinging on to the hope of seeing you again. Then all my hopes for seven years where answered. Because I met you just like the moment we first met. I know this all sounds crazy but I wish you believed me because this is the truth weve known each other since seven years ago. But thats only for me. Because to you. Youve known me since you read about me in your journal and minutes since we meet today

After that I elaborated more about everything. Yet I was still not brave enough to tell her how I feel about her. Then she was silent. For minutes after hearing everything. She got quiet.

Well that was a lot of thing to process. Honestly I dont know what to feel right. Still Im sorry for not being able to remember you. But theres one detail your wrong about.

"Whats that?

I may not know you in my memory. But my heart knows you for years. Because since you start writing at that newspaper. Ive been reading your work. Thats why even if my mind doest recognize or remember all the moments we had. My heart always remembers how your work spoke to me when I was in the hospital. Up to the moment I am here now. Also Ive been meaning to ask you. Theres something Ive been holding on for seven years now. Its a poem actually. That I dont know how I remember. Thats why Ive written in it in a piece of paper. But when I was about to write the name of whom I heard it from. I forgot.

Then she showed me to it. A piece of paper that has the first poem I ever wrote to her. Remember me. I cant believe for seven years she had that.

"Well that was actually me who wrote that poem. I recited it for you at that plaza.

Then she smiled at me then suddenly hugged me.

Thank you

For what?

For this. For every poem you have written that spoke to me. It helped me through the times that I cant remember anything at all.

"You're welcome.

Dont worry Joseph after today I wont forget you. At least my journal wont, Ill write down everything I can on my journal. About all the moments we had. Thanks again.

This made me happy. Making me think of staying. Of hoping for a tomorrow with her. Then she got a call. It was John. Everything was going my way until she suddenly said goodbye.

Uhm can we talk again soon, I have to go for now.

"Why is that?

Well John and I are supposed to go to dinner tonight your welcome to come if you want?

As the scales turn in to me hoping. It tipped again to me not knowing what to do.

Actually I cant. I have work to do. But can I ask you one question before you go,

"Sure what is it?

You and John what are you? And are you happy?

"That came out of the blue. But all I know is. Im thankful to have him. He is my best friend and the only friend I can remember. No offense, he makes me happy and I love him. Well my emotions for him arent deep. Since every day I forget all the sacrifices he did for me. All his efforts. But still on weird days like this. I know how much I mean to him. Thats why I refer to him as my boyfriend. My boy best friend. But if my condition cant get better. I might as well end up with him.

Hearing her say that hurts. So she left and once again I dont have a clue on what to do. If my feelings will ever be said or not. When I got home. I texted her. A poem that I dont know if shell understand.

"

Conundrum

Feelings can get confusing

Scales are always tipping and turning

But the odds are not to me favoring

Still a part of me is hoping

That fate wont be unfair

That my tomorrow wont be despair

Ive been sitting so long in my chair

Wanting things but coop up in my lair

With this million questions

That has caused a lot of commotions

Been dealing with mixed emotions

As I move through certain motions

Im still lost on what to feel

Cant even deal

Everything seems unreal

But only one thing is real

That I dont know what to do

How shall I continue

How can I pull through

You are the reason why I dont feel blue

Yet you too is why Im feeling glum

Stuck trying to subtract to get the sum

Thoughts banging on my head like a drum

You are the reason why I am in a conundrum

This was all I cant think off. A poem that is as confusing as what Im dealing with right now. A dilemma in which Ill never know how to get over from. But tomorrow is a new day. Even I dont know what to do next. I have hope. Because for seven years. A part of me she remembers. Maybe I just need to keep fighting. Yet I also know Ive already lost. I want to try. But my feelings are unclear on what to do. Still having second thoughts and mixed emotions. I keep carrying so many questions. Dealing with this overthinking. Along with the baggage of puzzled feelings.