Chapter 10: Our maybe

Life is full of questions. Unsure headings and futures. We have so many thoughts about the what ifs in life. Even we can't predict the future. We still think about it every day. For an over thinker like me. Every day I think about a million questions. That I can't even try to answer. They say tomorrow is a mystery, its true yet there is one thing that I know won't be a mystery. A fact that I can't escape nor run away from. The fact that the person who's causing me all this questions and confusions. Wont even remember who I am ever. No matter the effort or the memories I try to make with her. Nothing will change. Still the same heading. And that is a beginning. But sometimes its hard to start from scratch, to keep on introducing myself all over and over again with the hopes of being remembered the next time even though I know that's impossible in so many ways. Because I'm not the man in his memories. I'm just a guy who fills his weird days sometimes. Just a page and chapter in a journal that she doesn't read all the time. That fact is something I can never change. I don't want to expect or to even hope. But I can't because I love her. She is always on mind. I can never forget her even I want to. That's why this what all I do. Ask these million questions, with no clue how to answer even one of them. The biggest question in my mind that I ask often to myself is this. Can we ever be? Is it possible that she can have feelings for me upon meeting for the first time for her? This idea an thought passed through my mind a bunch of times. But being pessimistic and a downer. I always think that's impossible.

Then after that say to myself. Why would she ever like me? After that my brain goes on a loop. Thinking of all my flaws. Because that's what I am filled with reason but no action. A man of so many thoughts and words. Yet never have an ounce of courage to even act to get the things he wants to hold dear. I want to write a book with a protagonist who's brave. But like I said before. I can't even imagine how to be brave. Even as I kid, I can't even speak up to my parents. To tell them what I want or what I feel whenever they fight in front of me. What's next for me I don't really know. Me and Ana have been seeing each other sometimes. But we always go separate ways once John calls to meet with her, then each time we meet I ask the same question. If she is happy? Then like always she says "YES" now tell me what should I do. She's already happy and it seems there is no place for me. There are times that I think I should run away. Be apart from her. Move to a different city. Find a new job somewhere. But there are factors making me unable to do that.

First is the fact that I can't find a job elsewhere since I don't have the social skills to even apply at another publishing company of any sort. Second is because I don't have any where to go. This is the only place I've ever been through. Since I'm not adventurous. Lastly is because I know that I'll miss her. We have been apart for seven years. Why should I go further? If at least right now we can see each other. Laugh together. Talk about the stuff she remembers. Then after that go back to the same heading. Having me remember everything. Which is the tragic truth.

Right now, I say my days. Aren't as monotone as before. But it hasn't changed even a bit, still constant overthinking. No progress with Ana. Uncharted territory on the fact if I even want to make Ana fall for me if there is a snowball's chance of that even happening.

Saturday, my day off. My apartment was running out of supplies. So, I went out to buy some food and go for a walk for a while. Since it was my day off. I decided to go to my old place. To the market near my high school. There I was walking. After buying everything I needed. I was walking on home. Then suddenly when I was passing the bridge a wind blew. Some of the stuff I bought dropped in the river. I looked down to it to see if something important dropped to it. Then someone from a distance shouted.

"Hey you! Calm down whatever you do don't jump" said the mysterious girl

I didn't quite get what was that all about or if that person is even talking to me. Then I turned my head to see who it was. But the next thing I know is I'm on the ground. Because the girl tackled me. Thinking that I was about to jump off the bridge. Then as fate has it. This crazy girl who went on full tackle on me. Was the lost girl I meet at this same bridge before when I was in high school. It was Ana.

"Oof what was that for?" then I look at her as we both still on the ground

"Uhm I thought you were about to jump from the bridge? Weren't you?

"Of course, not why would I do that?"

"I just thought because you are leaning towards the bridge?"

"First of all, I wasn't about to jump. Second can we at least stand up because people are looking"

This situation. I wanted it to last. For her to be near to me. As I feel her warmth. But it's awkward so I asked her to get off me.

"Ok I'm sorry about that. Let me help you out" she said as she cowers from shyness and looked really cute.

"Thanks. My things fell in the river. I'm not jumping I was just leaning to check if nothing important fell"

"I see, well sorry for the misunderstanding… But next time don't lean too much. You could have seriously fallen if it weren't for me."

She tries to blame it on me. So, I just played along. I was thinking to not bring up everything. Since it's my day off I just want to enjoy my time with her.

"Ok I'll be sure to remember that"

"Good, well as I way to make up for this misunderstanding. Do you want to come with me?"

Glad she invited me. Because if she hadn't, I don't really have a clue on how to stretch this day further.

"Well sure but where are we going?"

"I'm not gonna tell it's a surprise. Don't worry it's going to be fun. But first I need to remember where it was? Hehe sorry I'm a bit forgetful"

There it is again that smile that never has fail to complete any of my day.

"Do you remember where it is. Maybe I know which direction we should go to?"

"Oh no I remember it now. Let's go!"

Then she held my hand. This brings back memories for me. This feeling of her palm. Of his hand's warmth. It was definitely a surprise; we went back to the plaza. It's been seven years since we came together here. Everything feels nostalgic. They were still holding the same event after seven years. But my anxiety kicked in, there were so many people that I don't know what to do. Still one person helped me. Gave me courage for once, to interact with people.

"We're here, this was the place I was talking about, an event that I've been hosting for about three consecutive years now. An event for people with short term memory like me"

I honestly don't know what to say. I'm shocked and also thinking that maybe if I went back hear a year ago. Ana and I could meet. Knowing that she still came to this event.

"Looks fun but there are a lot of people"

"But of course, some of the people here are parents, some are doctors and nurses from various institutes that takes care with patients with short term memory"

"You organized all of this?"

"Yes, well with the help of people, because imagine if it was just me. I would certainly forget some of the details. But yes, some of the activities here was prepared by me."

"Nice job, but I think I'll be good watching from the side"

Then she looked at me weird. She was upset and a bit mad

"No! you are not staying here you are coming with me."

She takes my hand and dragged me all over the place. It was a really wild ride. We had a lot of fun. Just like seven years ago. Thankfully without John this time. But the highlight of that day. Was experiencing something. That I haven't experienced nor feel in my seven years of being apart with her, it was hearing her sing once again. She stood in the stage again. Then sang. Like before I was transported to another world. Her voice is still how I remember it. Beautiful, enchanting and the best. I was in tears. Because this feeling is something that I haven't had in this whole seven years. The feeling of not worrying on what's coming, because all I was focused on was her singing.

"That was amazing I can't believe you sing like that" I said as I was awed by her performance

"Well thank you" She said humbly and shy at the same time

"By the way I haven't really introduce myself"

"Don't worry I know you"

Woah does she remember me.

"You are the writer in this newspaper, right? Joseph was it?"

And yeah, I was expecting that.

"Yup, the name is Joseph"

"And I'm Ana nice to meet you, but can I make a request?"

"What is it?"

"You see one of the performers that was supposed to perform can't come. I was hoping you can perform one of your poems up there?"

What this is sudden. But once again just like seven years ago. Even so I don't know if I can stand up there in the stage especially now. When there are much more people and I'm an adult. What am I going to perform in front of these kids? Then again, she looked at me in a way that I think I can do it.

"Well, I guess I can give a try"

"You will?"

"Yeah sure" then she hugged me. Now I can really do this.

"Thank you thank you. Well let's go on up stage and perform when ever your ready"

Now the only problem is what topic should I use. What am I going to perform right here and now? Then it hit me. A flash of inspiration.

"

Well first of all I'm Joseph and I'm here today to talk about this certain topic that I know. Even you have short term memory. You still can feel this.

Nostalgic

Everything feels surreal

I can't explain what I feel

I'm still thinking this isn't real

Because what's the deal

Everything is a blast from the past

Things are happening so fast

And I'm having a blast

The world is so vast

Every moment

Seems to be different

That's why it's need to be well spent

Yet here I am a same feeling for a different moment

A feeling of happiness

That's lighting up my world that was colorless

And my mind that was a mess

But this is that feeling I guess

A moment that is like magic

That even if your days were tragic

Things will change back to the classic

Because everything feels nostalgic

"

I hope this once again reach her.

"I don't know but that poem touched me somehow. I feel like I know you for a long time. I think I'm in love with you, I mean your work. Because that was amazing."

"But what about me, what do you feel about me?"

A question just burst out of my mouth

"I like you"

This has never happened before

"What do you mean?"

"Uhm I can't explain"

Then as usual John came before we can talk about it more. After John arriving, I decided to went on home.

"Oh, John is here." She said happily

"I need to go actually I really had a blast today. Thanks."

"Oh, that's to bad well thanks I had a lot of fun too. Take care hope we can meet again"

"I would love that. Till next time then"

This encounter was very memorable. It gave me hope that maybe she could like me after all. That maybe there's a chance where Ana would fall in love with someone like me. Even if it were just for a day or even for a moment, I would give anything for that. But I know I won't have the courage to try again next time. That's why I think I'll be stuck here. Asking questions. But this time I have an answer. A answer that is still too bland nor leaving clueless. Because I'm stuck with this conclusion. With the conclusion and hope for our maybe…