Chapter 11: Things change

Time comes along with change. That occurs constantly and unpredictably. We never know how things will change in the span of seconds. In what the days, months and years has to offer for us. Change is inevitable. Yet nothing major has happened to my life. Just normal events that everyone goes through. They graduate and go to work. Earn money everyday, have fun sometimes in which I think I never have. Expect when I'm with Ana. Who doesn't even remember me.

Change is inevitable but yet nothing has changed with her. She still forgets me everyday and I can't even ask her about the stuff that has happened to her this past seven years. Because she can't recall it. I want to read her journal. But I'm not confident enough to even ask her if I can. Don't also want to ask John about everything. Because I'm not good with dealing with him. It's not that I hate him or anything. I think he is a good person. But I'm still not used with dealing with people. Even with my co workers or boss I don't know how to talk with them. Especially my boss. He is a really rowdy and loud person. He is joyous and kind. But I'm can't deal with him because we are opposite I'm just quite and not a care in the world.

Everyday for some reason I wonder about how people see me. How my boss think of me as a person rather than his writers whom he admire through his work. Also about Ana. Seven years is a long time. I continue to wonder about her parents and how she and John eventually met up. So many questions but no way to answer as usual. I can't gradually bring up and ask Ana if I can read his journal. I'm not brave enough for that sort of thing. That's why for days I did my normal. Meeting with her from time to time. Having conversations and at the end of each time we meet. She goes to John. Pretty tragic right. After a day of excitement and happiness with her , she goes to the one guy he remembers the most. In which I can never be. I'm also wondering what she has written about me in her journal. If she vividly writes everything we do together.

One day Ana texted me. It was my lunch break. She wanted to go get some coffee. It is one of those weird days she has. That she wants to meet with a guy in his journal that seems important or so I hope. We meet at the coffee shop.

"Hey Ana"

"Joseph?"

"Yup it's me so what's up"

"Well have a sit"

"ok sure"

I'm still a tad bit nervous everytime we meet. I'm happy but I still don't know how to act with her since every time we see each other it's the first time for her.

"So what do you want to talk about?"

That was a bit awkward to ask but I'm not good with small talk.

"Nothing much just kind of wanted to meet you. Curios really about my last entry about you in my journal"

What was the about. Now I too am curious what did she wrote about me in that journal.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh nothing really it's embarrassing to bring up. Especially when to me its the first time seeing you. "

"Well ok I guess."

I really wanted to force her to tell me. But there's something about her today that feels weird. She is not the usual jolly and brave Ana that I always see her. She looks like she is avoiding something or hiding but what could be it. This was the first time I ever seen her like this.

"By the way is there something wrong?"

I dared to ask her because she was acting strange from all our previous meet ups.

"Nothing much just confused about everything."

"What do you mean?"

" I feel shitty about this situation."

"what? "

"You know I always wrote about you happily in my journal. Reading from the times we had gives me joy. But not being able to remember those and really feel that joy vividly since I recall it sucks. Because I can't remember you. And each time we meet is a day that I won't remember much about or any of it. There are some weird days that I actually want to meet you but I don't because of two reasons. First is I'm not brave enough to give you a call. Second I think it's unfair to you that each time we meet you need to explain and answer my questions about everything. To me that's just selfish and cruel of me. That's why I'm confused".

This was the first time. That I know what she was thinking. I never thought she was overthinking like this. I don't know what to say to her. That's why I said the words that everyone is supposed to say.

"Don't worry it's ok"

Even though she's right hearing it from her makes it ok. Because knowing that she has her reasons and she thinks about deeply about my sake. Gives me a happiness I can't explain. It's the feeling of having someone care for you without you even knowing. A rare sight. Because it shows how much she believes in what she writes and read. Because knowing that she actually doesn't remember me. That she only know me from what she write and yet care for me this much. Is something rare. A feeling that no one else know. To be cared for by a girl who doesn't even remember you is amazing. I wanted to thank her and to remove all those thoughts that's why for once I did what she always does for me. I stood up and took her hand.

"Come on let's get out of here"

"Where are we going?"

"Just like you said before it's a surprise."

I took her hand and take her to that place. The place where it all started.

" I know you don't remember this but, this bridge it's where we first meet we bump into each other here."

" So this was it I read this place from my journal"

" Then here is the park where we had fun, then the plaza where I saw you sing and where you asked me to perform."

" Aww really"

" Yup and come.. This is the place where we meet after seven years of being apart. Now you are all caught up. You can remember those feelings for now cause we've been through the places that we've meet."

" But is it ok that you are the only one who remembers them"

"It doesn't matter if it's ok or not. What matters is I meet you and that's all there is to it. I meet a lost girl that I thought I'll never see again. But here we are after seven years together. "

Those were my true feelings. Yet I don't have enough courage to tell her that I love her. Because I realized each day we meet is a lot for her to process. Everyday for her is hard. Because she wakes up seeing her body older from what she can remember. I never thought of things this way until today. That's why I think. Everytime we meet I'll just give her a good time. Without asking for so much more. Because that's how much I love her. I'm willing to redo each moment. Just to show her how special she is to me.

"Come let's sit here"

"Is there something special about this bench too"

" Yes we actually catch up about some things here."

" I see well thank you. For taking me to all this places even if I can't remember it tomorrow. "

" It's fine as long as you write it in your journal you can remember this day"

" Good idea I think I'll write it down right now"

" What do you mean? "

Then she brought it out her journal. I can't believe she brings it with her.

"Do you have that all the time"

"Yes I bring it to everywhere I go. Well here's the thing. In this journal there are two portions a to do list do I know what should I do today that I write before I sleep and the second portion is my memories. It's actually my fifth journal since a lot of it is full."

" I see that's very nice actually mind if I read it?"

" No that would be weird and embarrassing it's like going through my diary you know and who wants people reading that"

" Yeah you're right sorry bout that"

Then that was it rejected.

"Still if you want to write something in here that you want me to remember go on ahead"

" What you mean it? "

" Sure silly"

" Ow thanks but first can I ask you something"

This time I think I'll ask the two most questions that's been bothering me. Without overthinking it

"What is it?"

"We we're apart for seven years what actually happened? What have you read according to your journal? "

" Well it's been a mess. A confusing seven years. After sometime I look in the mirror and see my body changed. It took a lot of explaining. My parents got the tough job. There was a year back then that I live in an institute. But that was even more confusing and harder for me. Then John came. He help me sort things out. By helping me create a tape. A voice message for tommorow. A tommorow that I know I wont remember. That everyday when my alarm rings. My favorite song along with that message play. And hearing and knowing that voice helps me adjust with everything that's all about what I know and remember."

I have to give John some credit he really helped Ana. And knowing that by know gives me relief. That even if I wasn't the one that helped her adjust. Right now she is fine.

"That's just amazing. But one more thing.. what am I to you? "

" Well that's a question out of the blue. But let me answer with this. You are my friend. Not just any friend a very special one. Because even though I don't know that we actually meet seven years ago. Your poems helped me get through things. You where my support. My one new memory everyday. And every poem you write that I read gives me a feeling of belonging and joy. That's why you are special."

Hearing this is enough. I'm not going to ask for more. But there are things that I can't avoid. That I want to run away from right now. That's why I just wrote in her journal something.

Nostalgia

You may not remember me always

Nor read about me most days

But still in this journal I have place

And when you read it as you retrace

Know that I'm one call away

Willing to reintroduce myself everyday

To make you smile and feel that everything's ok

Unlike your memories I'm here to stay

Always ready to answer

To tell you the things you can't remember

I'll be here forever

Reminding you about the moments we had together

Each night it may seem you have an amnesia

And everyday is full of dilemma

But know this Ana

I'll be your nostalgia

I'll be all of those feelings you have in the past. The feelings on those moments we had together. That's why don't worry. I'll always be here. Waiting for you call.

"Here you go but don't read it yet. Read it tommorow"

" Well ok"

As the day ends she went home. Then tommorow came. As I said time comes along with change. But with her nothing has changed. Or so I thought. But something happened the next day. It seems that I was wrong. For better or for worst. Things change.....