TRAINING PART 20: The last day

I felt enormous admiration for these soldiers, thinking about how much they had sacrificed to get to where they are, to do what they do. I wished to be like them, so strong, so bold. Maybe I was in some way. Lots had changed since I left school. I grew to be stronger, more mature than I ever thought I could be. I bet even my parents wouldn’t believe I could be so strong.

Jace – Ques!

Me – Hmmm!

I replied coldly, still caught up in my string of thoughts.

Jace – Shall we go?

Me – Yeah let’s go.

We got back to our activities, namely, doing a double check of all the equipment all over again. While doing the check, I kept looking around as if I was expecting something to come. I kept thinking how long it had been since I’ve last spoken to Tyler. He’s been ignoring me ever since what happened with Jace, him and me. I wanted to talk to him.

This was our last day safe, who knew what would come the next day. I was scared that maybe if I didn’t talk to him before we leave, I would never get to talk to him again. I couldn’t figure out where the fear came from, I just knew it was there, like some kind of bad feeling.

Jace noticed my head being in the clouds, and many times had to talk me back to earth. I believe he knew exactly what was worrying me. During the day, we kept moving around, barely even having time for lunch and dinner as we worked late.

We took one last look at gears, weapons, transportations and everything that needed re-check before dinner. After dinner, as everyone headed back to the dorms to get ready to sleep, I decided to head off to the training room. I wanted to train a little, kick off some nerves, again.

I put up the punching bag, and started to practice both punching and kicking. I kept training for about an hour. Every kick and punch that I did brought in my mind images of the war we had been through, of what could possibly happen as from the next day. My imagination tortured me all the way through my training, and it wouldn’t leave me alone. My kicks and punches got stronger as my fear grew.

Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me saying: “Late night training again huh? Which one is it this time, fear or anger?” I turned around noticing Tyler. He was standing at the door, and came in as I turned my attention to him.

Tyler – Or perhaps determination?

Me – I would say all of the above. What brings you here?

Tyler – I could be asking you the same question. I came to turn off the lights as usual.

Me – Needed to kick out the nerves.

Tyler – And?

Me – My imagination is tearing me apart. I’m stuck in the ‘worst possible scenario’ kind of moment. Is it always like this before a war?

Tyler – Before any fight actually. But we fight through the fear. What you need is more than a punching bag, you need reaction.

Me – Meaning?

He took off his jacket, picked up the sticks on the floor, and asked me to fight him. I refused at first, but obviously he didn’t leave me with a choice.

The more I fought back, the more he retaliated, asking me to fight harder, like it was a matter of life or death. He told me he wouldn’t leave me alone until I defeated him, and after a few hours, I did. I pinned him to the ground with all the rage I had, and looked at him straight in the eyes. I was afraid I hurt him as he put his hand on his back, but he then started laughing.

Tyler – Feeling better?

Me – Maybe a little.

I got up, and lent him a hand to help him get up too. He was smiling, laughing almost, perhaps feeling proud of his student. Unfortunately, I couldn’t help but ruin the mood and pop up the question.

Me – Where have you been?

Tyler – I don’t know what you mean.

Me – Yes you do. I can feel you’ve been avoiding me Tyler.

He lowered his eyes in an attempt to avoid my look.

Me – Tyler, you once told me I could come to you for anything. You can come to me too.

It’s not because I love another man that we cannot be friends. If it’s Jace…

Tyler – No hey, I am happy for you guys. I just needed time to figure things out. It had nothing to do with you.

I looked at him, transmitting through my eyes a message of friendship.

Tyler – You should go sleep, tomorrow will be a long day. Good night.

Me – You too.

I went off, but some things felt unsaid. Then again it was maybe not the time to talk about it, so I let it be. I stopped on my way out, and looked back, hoping for him to stop me, but he didn’t. He was cleaning up, and turning off the fans, so I left.

As I got in bed, after a freezing cold shower, my imagination kept on haunting me. All night long, I couldn’t stop thinking about what could happen. It was an endless night. I was not scared of dying, I was scared of anyone else dying. I tried to sleep through my haunted mind, kept my eyes forcefully closed. I managed to sleep a few hours, before waking up to embark on probably the most dangerous of our journeys so far.