Episode 31 - Panicked Memories

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Trigger Warning: implied physical/sexual abuse

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After the woman had gone, Amari turned toward Yangyang, still seated on the piano bench. "Do you wanna play another?"

"Nope," the man said, patting the space next to him. "Come sit with me. Let's take a break."

He nodded and walked over to sit, but the man grabbed him and pulled him onto his lap, legs wrapping around his waist.

"Uh, this position's a little..." He trailed off, feeling timid and keeping the rest of his thoughts to himself.

"Yeah, I know," Yangyang teased.

He blushed, but smiled, placing his arms gently around the man's neck. Yangyang shifted him closer until they were pressed together and gave him a long kiss. Taking in the familiar scent, he laid his cheek against Yangyang's shoulder, tightening his hold.

"So, who else knows? I feel like I'm s'posed to be careful all the time, but you keep giving yourself away."

With a light chuckle, Yangyang leaned forward to rest his chin. "Jiě has known since I've known. I can't hide anything from her. Other than that, my bandmates know, thanks to jiě. And of course Ziggy knows, because he has some crazy, sexuality-sensing super power."

Amari nodded, understanding the eccentricity of his roommate completely. He guessed the man had picked up enough people over the last forty years, he was good at distinguishing a yes from a no.

"Outside of that, no one else knows."

"That sounds tiring."

It broke Amari's heart a bit to think that Yangyang had been dealing with this secret for so long. He barely remembered his own childhood, or the confusion and shame that came with being attracted to friends he shouldn't be attracted to. Now, it was nothing special to him. He was as normal as the next person, regardless of what society said.

"I've never had much to hide before." Yangyang reached his arms a little further around Amari's waist. "I guess I'm not very good at it."

"Obviously, since we've been together two days and you've already been discovered twice." He felt bad, but he couldn't stop himself from picking on the man.

Yangyang let out an exasperated sigh. "I can't help it... I can't control myself around you. And I just want to touch you all the time."

His head was heavier on Amari's shoulder, defeated by feelings that were beyond his control. The boy gave him a soft kiss on the neck. The confession made him happy, selfishly glad to hear the man might be in as deep as he was.

"I really like that about you," he said shyly, his voice almost a whisper.

"What?" Yangyang tried to pull back, but Amari kept his head stuck to his shoulder.

"I like that you're always touching me. You have since we first met." His cheeks warmed at his own words. "That sounds creepy when I say it out loud..."

The man only chuckled and softly rubbed his back, letting him speak.

"It never felt like a 'let-me-lead-you-around-because-you're-blind' kinda touch. It's always comfortable, like you really just want to touch me. Like you'd do that even if I had perfect eyesight." Amari sighed and frowned. "But, then it makes me wonder if you're like that with everyone. Just casually touching every stranger you meet."

Yangyang pulled Amari out in front of him, this time not allowing any resistance. "Definitely not." He skimmed a finger along the boy's jawline. "So, what else do you like about me?"

Amari's entire face flushed and he shook his head. "It's too cringy. Maybe next time."

There was a low chuckle and a large hand grabbed his chin, the breath from Yangyang's laugh warm on his skin. "Alright," the man said softly, and he pulled their mouths together.

Quickly switching from sweet to aggressive, their tongues danced, taking in each other's unique taste, the combination of snacks and liquor barely masking their own personal flavor.

Amari bit at Yangyang's bottom lip, but the man wouldn't allow him to linger. Leaning him back, those lips kissed his prominent Adam's apple, moving down between his neck and shoulder, then the small space between his collarbones. The opening of his sweater stretched, the lips trying to gain more access, and he let out a short breath, entangling his fingers in the man's long strands of hair.

"You're sweating," Yangyang said in a low voice, reaching down to his waist. "Lift your arms."

Obediently, his hands were in the air, and in one, swift motion, the sweater was pulled up over his head. He quickly returned his arms to Yangyang's shoulders, pulling him close to bite at his ear and run his tongue down the side of the man's neck.

Other than a low bass vibrating up from below, the room was quiet, the entire floor empty, and their heavy breathing was loud in the boy's ears. Even free from his sweater, he was burning hot. With Yangyang's taste salty on his tongue and scent fragrant in his nose, his head felt hazy and his chest tightened.

A hand slipped beneath his tight t-shirt, running up his side. Amari let out a longer, audible breath, his body sensitive to every stroke of a fingertip, and he felt momentarily weak as Yangyang used a thumb to rub at his nipple.

Suddenly, other smells layered over those in the room - soju and cigarettes and cologne - and the sounds of clinking glass and greasy laughter and karaoke backtracks rang in his ears. The fingertips on his skin turned disgusting and wicked in his mind and a small wave of panic washed over him. He grabbed the man's wrist, pulling it down from his chest, trying to stop the touching.

The hand moved away and instead a tongue was in his mouth, preventing anything other than a grunt or moan, and Amari grabbed at the soft hair again, taking short, rough breaths in through his nose. Yangyang finally released him, lips back down his neck and shoulder, and he swallowed in air as a hand made its way back up to his chest, this time with a more forceful touch. Amari tensed. His body longed to continue, but everything else in him was screaming to stop.

"Wait," he whispered between breaths, his voice hushed with fear. Yangyang didn't hear him, so he dug his fingers into a bicep and begged, a bit louder this time. "Yangyi, please..."

Yangyang paused and exhaled. Immediately, Amari wrapped his arms around his broad shoulders, panting as emotion overwhelmed him. He wanted to shout and cry, and he felt sick, guilt eating away at him. Yangyang rested his chin on the boy, large arms already placed gently back around his waist.

"Sorry," the man said quietly. Along with the disappointment, his tone was full of shame. Amari tightened his embrace, anxiously shaking his head.

"No, I'm sorry." He let out a soft, heartbroken sigh. "None of this's your fault, okay? I... I've had some bad experiences in this place."

He paused, memories flashing in his mind, and his sweat turned cold, a shiver running up his spine. He couldn't tell Yangyang about those experiences, too afraid of what he might think. That kind of rejection would definitely break him. "Sorry. I'm just not ready yet."

"That isn't something that needs an apology." Yangyang's voice had calmed, kind and sweet, returning to the always-dependable man. The boy tightened his hold and for the first time, a greedy desire for comfort outweighed the guilt and worry.

"I'll tell you someday." Yangyang rubbed his back, not saying anything in response. "Is it okay if we just sit here like this for a minute?"

"Yeah." Pulling Amari a little closer, it was clear he was trembling. Yangyang moved the boy's hold to his waist, then wrapped one arm around his back and one around his shoulders, covering as much of his small frame as he could. "We can sit here as long as you want."

Amari pressed against the man's chest, burying himself in the warmth. He focused on his heartbeat, and the gentle up and down motion as he breathed. Only a few minutes passed before he felt himself grow calm, a faint smile finding its way back to his lips.