Wrong goodbyes and wrong hellos

I don’t know how long I sat there just staring and staring and staring.

My attempt to go out of this hellhole had been futile because once again it was locked shut.

I was positioned at the front door. Somehow after what I had experienced, my legs became shaky and wobbly so with what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders I had slid down.

I couldn’t move my eyes from the spot. A sadistic part of me wanted to see the blood, the corpse blackened or not then maybe I could give my subconscious a sane explanation as to why the body was not there anymore.

The wh-questions running through my mind were numerous and I did not have an answer for any of it.

A hand on my shoulder brought me back to earth. I jumped, got on my feet and moved far away from Gabe as I could.

He visibly flinched at my reaction to him. Well what did he expect. I felt the distance I put between us was not enough so, I kept moving as far away as I could.

“I would explain but it depends on if you want to listen” he started to say

I watched him as he stood there watching me closely.

How I wanted him to explain, to tell me that it was a dream or I was in a trance or something but right now I did not want him to explain all I wanted, was to go home.

“please let me go” I begged desperation dripping from my voice.

His eyes softened a fraction but it passed in the blink of an eye.

“I am letting you go; I have to leave to but I am taking you home" he said his face back to being blank and emotionless.

Before he finished speaking, I had started to shake my head indicating the negative.

I couldn’t think of sharing the same car with him anytime soon that is if he had a car. Right now, it was hard being in this space with him; a car will only make my panic increase.

“just tell me where I am, I will find my way from there” I said in a voice that I did not recognize as my own.

“its not a choice Tamar. I won't let you go on your own. I have already done a lot of wrong things today let me not add to the list by letting you go of on your own” he said his voice laced with an odd emotion.

“I will be fine” I said in that unrecognizable voice.

“no, you won’t he said shaking his head from side to side. It is already so dangerous they could trace you down and harm you”

“who is the they?” I found myself asking.

“Ignorance is bliss” he answered vaguely

“but you just said that you would explain” I said finding my own voice

“yeah", he answered casually that was just a mistake”

“what?” I asked a bit angry.

“you said it yourself I am not what you think you are all the things I had noticed was just coincidence and so far, hell all your life he said gesturing wildly nothing weird had ever happened right?”

I nodded tuning out the part of my mind that kept screaming liar.

“I am just stupid and made another stupid mistake and I am so so..."he paused as if looking for the right word to say.

"I shouldn't have dragged you into this. You are right I should have just taken you to the hospital”

I gave a hesitant nod not knowing exactly what to say to that.

He turned away from me and picked up a bag that I hadn’t noticed was sitting there. Bringing out a key from inside his pockets he went to the door.Opening it widely, he gestured for me to go out. I stepped out of a place I can only describe as a dream breathing in fresh air that I could not enjoy for the first time in days.

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The ride home is silent. I did not know why right now I was in the same car with a supposed murderer but I was here.

The scene at the house kept playing over and over again at the back of my head. My mind still couldn't grasp anything that happened there and the more I thought about it the less I understood.

"You will never tell me what happened will you?" I asked out loud a mental question I had been mulling over.

"No" he said without sparing me a glance.

I was not surprised when he told me we were one hour away from the town. The location of the house was befitting for someone like him. The numerous glances that we had given each other was well -numerous- mine with a twinge of fear and his with an unspoken emotion I could not decipher.

I prided myself in the fact that I could read emotions almost perfectly well hence, the career choice of a psychologist but his was a mystery, one that I might never solve.

As the familiar signs of shops and sidewalks came into view my body visibly relaxed. I was almost expecting him to kill me at the side of the road or something or maybe he was just waiting till he gets close to my house so he can cause more pain.

“so, where are we going from here?” he said.

We had entered the center of town and we were now looking at the great statue that symbolized love and unity. It was Callus Modigo the founder of and first citizen of the great Rin.

I started to give directions till we finally reached my street. The familiar shops made my sense of security increase a bit more. I could even see the roof of my brick house peaking at me. It was the most run down in the street but it still served its purpose of giving us shelter.

I told him to stop two houses before mine. I already had a whole lot of explanation to give my family. Arriving there with a convertible and a man inside will raise questions that I did not want to answer.

The convertible already stood out in my very humble neighborhood now I just hoped that no one sees me coming out from the car.

The car slowed to a stop and I hopped out of it quickly. I didn't know what I was expecting but I stood rooted in one spot.

“Are you sure Tamar that you have never experienced anything surreal?” he asked in his smooth voice finally looking at me.

I froze and my stomach tightened. Suddenly I felt vulnerable like he could see through me. I forced my gaze to remain on him not wanting him to see that he rattled me with that question.

"Yes" I said my voice laden with faux confidence.

He clenched his jaw and looked away. His fingers were curled into fists and his expression looked deadly.

"You are lying" he said after gaining some sort of control.

"I am not" I replied my voice still resounding with false confidence.

"Go home" he simply said his voice without an emotion and with that he drove off.

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I released a breath that I did not know I was holding as I watched the car drive off.

I felt a lot of things right now that I could not exactly pinpoint. Pushing that to the back of my mind, I started the dreaded journey of a thousand miles or to put it lightly the short walk to my house.

I hesitantly knocked (which normally I wouldn’t) and was surprisingly welcomed by silence. I knocked again and was still greeted by silence. I decided to push open the door and I entered into an almost empty house apart from my mum sitting on one of the beaten down couches. Her eyes found mine the same moment I said:

“mum”

The look of relief that passed through her features almost relieved all the tension I had been keeping.

She half walked half ran to me with bloodshot eyes and pulled me onto a tight hug.

“oh my God” she breathed

“you are alive, you are fine I was so worried, so so worried” she pulled back as if looking to see if I was real and hugged me again.

“your note there was this finality to it as if you were never coming back and I was so scared, the police refused to look for you because they felt it was some teenage rebellion stunt” she said in a spiel.

Before I began to talk, she beat me to it.

“oh, I am so stupid I should have asked are you okay?” she said moving my face from side.

This time she let me answer “I’m fine”

“I hope you are not hurt” she asked with some tears in her eyes.

I shook my head

She stepped back then and looked at me from head to toe as if she was checking for something.

“you should go to your room and shower I will turn on the electricity for a little while so that you can get water” she said looking at me sympathetically

“we will talk when you finish resting” she said giving me another sad look and with that she picked up her phone and went to the room filled with pots and knives.

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As I lay in my room staring at the ceiling just thinking about everything that had happened, I was still almost sure that I was still in a very long dream.

My mother had come in some few hours ago after I had showered, eaten and rested with a note in her hand that I allegedly wrote. I told her numerous times that I did not write that but she kept telling me that it is not a problem.

It was clearly written on her face that she was just trying to be annoyingly apologetic for the things I had supposedly written in the note. I stopped arguing with her and let her tell me how she was so sorry I was going through those phases and had no one to talk about.

That she had been too busy with work (and 5children) I mentally added to see that I was supposedly hurting.

That she understands and will try to see what she can do to solve the problem. I was finally able to ask her where the rest of my large family were and what she said made me really sad, sadder than I have ever been before. Apparently, they had better things to do than sulk for their rebellious teenage sister who just decided to up and leave.

They had continued with their normal life as if nothing had happened. She didn’t tell me that though she softened the blow a little by outrightly lying to me that they all had gone out to search for me and they will be back.

She looked really uncomfortable when telling me that and I immediately knew she was lying.

My sisters had all come back, all of them apart from my roommate Christy that was probably still at work. They looked happy that is if the way they were running around and screaming at themselves laughing and doing homework was saying anything.

The sight I saw when I went to check who was blasting music, made my heart tug painfully. They were not looking for me they all forgot about me.

A loud crash made me jolt out of bed. I opened the door and ran down to a very disturbing sight. Christy was standing in a defensive position and a broken plate scattered on the floor.

“she’s gone and you guys don’t even care, it’s because of this she left, we never payed attention and you are doing it all over again” she yelled and wailed at the same time.

I couldn’t move from my position at the middle of the stairs. I just stood there watching her.

“so, if I up and leave you will not care, will you?” she said her voice a whisper.

They were all silent until my elder sister Rita spoke up.

“it’s not our fault she decided to elope with some guy” she spat back.

“really?” Christy whispered just as angrily “have you seen her with a guy ever, you never cared so don’t give stupid excuses”.

“she’s eighteen she can take care of herself, she’s always so secretive so how the hell would we know where to find her” the third Mira spoke looking irritated.

“I see it now”, Christy replied looking at every single one of them “there is absolutely no love” and she was out of the door faster than usain bolt.

“so that is what you guys think of me” I finally spoke up. they all turned quickly and they looked like they had seen a ghost but they quickly recovered and as usual they eldest spoke first.

“so, you decided to come back” she said with a passive emotion on her face.

At that moment what has been my home for the past eighteen years did not feel like that anymore and I suddenly became suffocated by all of it. I did not want to be here anymore and before my mind could protest, my legs had found the door.