searching my eyes but no answer



We used to be the best off friends as they said too much pleasure is pain if only I knew this earlier flashback ends and drift back to the present

I cant shake the feeling off my chest that if she had it could I?did I also have a tumor? Why the fuck didn't I test myself? Puzzled filled with thought I didn't think of before today was I that stupid and did it really not matter .

Snaps her fingers again again again and again searching my eyes but no answer so she continues..

How did that make you feel did it have a toll on your life

"Have you ever lost a piece of yourself?not like when you have sex and you feel like you a part of that person I mean like have you ever lost yourself in abyss and not know how to go back" I blurt out with a tear ....

Honestly I'm trying to stay focused

You must think I must be joking

I just need some love

We can start with a handshake

But I need more

never say no

Keep it to yourself

Stop don't reveal it all

"When I lost my sister I lost touch with reality everything became a joke to me sadness was a norm  and life was never the same agian . People always wonder why I keep I smile and some wonder if im mentally unstable or just got dropped when I was small or I must've bumped my head but  I just tell them it's because I don't give a fuck I don't know how I can say this better youve never lost someone you've loved" as tears come flowing like the river banks of the great neil river ....

(Aubrey peeples - the I was)

"In reality I lost myself started self medicating ,cutting myself ,hurting myself trying to find a way out of internal pain(but into physical pain). -pause don't

Take away the make-up the sweatpants the tattoos and vans

Okay I don't have no tattoos nor I wear make-up

No personal hands

My resting bitch face is mistaken for the mean girl

But what if I told you

There's a lot lingering behind this persona

"By the age of 10 I remember hanging myself for the first couple of minutes after I kicked the chair from my reach I regretted everything, everyone in pain cause I couldn't fulfill all the things my sister thought I could. But at the end I felt it was good that I had done it and as memories of my fragile little life vividly passed before my eyes and then darkness mind that she passed when I was 8......"

I could be pissed

But I'll act like im not

I'll really want to say I forget

No matter how hard I try to run

Away

But at the end of the day

I need somebody to love me naked

What happened after that cause here you are year's after the incident living

"My father found me in time that is what the doctors said they said if he came 15 minutes later I would've died-" breathe

"I wanted it to happen but he intervened  after that I didn't stop this one time I saw from a tv show how this girl marry swallowed  a handful of pills and went unconscious and died and I wondered if it would do something to me so I tried it out I just passed out for a full 12 hours cause my father put his big nose in my business and saved the day hippy although I was monitored at a hospital"I say with sarcasm written all over my face

My father has always ruined things for me and would start reciting wise quotes he had heard from a movie or people he know

The way he knew them word for word would make you believe he had a  book with him 24/7

Did you ever confront your father and told him about your feelings toward him and the rest of the family I mean the family thats left

"No why would I ........

A father is a provider and not someone you can confined in he didn't even know what menstruation cycle was  the first time blood come out of me he thought my thinge was broken and took me to the doctor

luckily we called my sister on time and she explained all this to him because she first went on her period when she was at our aunts place imagine the humiliation he would have gon through if he did! Okay this is crap so bye" I said

Why do we have to do this all tonight

Does it make it right

Does it make the memories disappear

Having long nights

I've been on my own tryna get my mind right

Why do I gotta be this way

I've changed but for the good I think

Session over !!!

Times up our hour long session was finished...

*~*



I leave the silver painted room and shut the door behind me not even saying goodbye or see you soon I just got up and left

Rude you might think but thats the way I am ever since that unfaithful day

Rush down

Rush up

Come over rushing over until I reach home running as fast as I can don't want to be killed on these streets stopping at the park which helps me ease my pain for a while then im off again till I reach home . I really need a car this whole walking situation is too much now

"Whats wrong now asswipe" brother rudely asks as he open the refrigerator taking out a bottle of jucie Woolworth branded overpriced for nothing if I tell you . "Whats it to you ,huh, did one of your many love affairs end or do you need my help since you as useless as a pile of bones, why the sudden concern"i blurt out silently before opening the tap pouring a glass of water and  drinking it but it was loud enough for him to hear me and send a flying hand filled with fire to my face and me to spit out my water. I lunge forward forgetting the glass in my hands

I swear I'm going to strangle him

Fight breaks....



My brittel little arms smash into his face not as I planned and like a well executed act he stikes back. I kick his crotch with all the force my legs and the space between us allows me to .

Smash!he goes on to the ground trying to gasp for air which I use against him to kick him repeatedly .

All of a sudden a pair of hands grab me from behind and no matter how many hand I try to break out I can't so i turn back to see a bleak figure of my father .

Ladies and gentlemen superman is here. (Although it seems possible but that is all fictional I was the one on the ground I still don't understand how or know how but at this piont my father came on time and for a good purpose this time thank god) but I was able to leave a couple of marks in him

No I don't want your pity

No I don't want non of your time

No stop acting crazy

You'll end up with the dogs next time

"Becca are you okay ,speak to me "my father's voice full of worry "wow my hero"my voice trials off "what did I tell you " his voice trong demanding and demeaning "you do this one more time and you will be cut off" then he walks off with me in his arms the sadness in his face evident but he couldn't release it on to him he was his son his blood  maybe he just couldn't discipline him for a reason

Then alter darkness

_____________

I know right

Too much but too little wait a bit

Okrrrrr

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