two in one

You wanna know why I said I was unstable im guessing

What's love

Got to do with life tho

What's love

Please explain it to

Whats love gotta do with life

What's

Love?

Should it be about us

Should it be about trust

Does it last forever

*~*

During December 2018

a sharp metal object pierce my flesh to reveal a fountain of blood gushing out of me. It looked good like gliter what joy it brought me when I saw it

Door knocks can be heard but the more I ignored the more they sounded like bangs my body numbed  and all I can do was shift my eyes in the direction of the door and the blink as the dryness of my mouth irradiated me . My tongue felt like an object unknown to me I tried and all the came out were whispers that couldn't be heard

Bang.

Bang..

Bang....

Door swings open revealing me almost unconscious lying there my room doesn't have a functioning door anymore thank you. Unable to move or say a word I just smile "leave me alone  "I say with all my power but it turned to a silent whisper my voice sounds weak and uncensored . If I eas in full senses I'd slap myself 'told you not to do it. Look now' shut the fuck up please Pablo you just useless 'I hope this is a lesson learned if you survive' I hope I don't

"Becca "I hear before two hands grad hold of me bridle style and lift me off the ground into secured hands then be escorted out . As I jump up and down, slightly bumping into things  as the figure runs to its car . My head spins more then darkness

  I had a relapse and went back to cutting myself saga what a attention seeking whore I was 'at least you know' Pablo you will die .I often used excuses to made me feel better like it was all a dream and id soon wake up and my whole family would be hole. How I wondered how it seemed.'try it out try to compromise you won't regret it' that's what you said the last times already Pablo .' Okay okay sorry but I want to live too please give me a chance' if I survive I'll listen to you

Pour out the whole damn seal

Imma get lazy

I got the mogo babe

Tripping out like I'm in my 80s

Sell my soul

How was it my fault did I ask my family to remind me that my mother was born on the 28 of December why couldn't they handle me being normal and trying to forget her even though I didn't know her . Like who celebrates a dead womens birthday it is  on  purpose and I think I know why

They wanted me to remember that because of me she isn't here Thats all they've wanted to remind me that im a burden i was never wanted and this fake compassion tom showed was a pretence . he and happy held me responsible tom never said it but it was evident I thought happy told me he'd never like me so guess what im lonely. But just because I am lonely it doesn't mean im alone I've fought since and nothing will stop me now

Couldn't we be like a normal family. Who's family celebrates the birthday of a dead person if they gave me the attention instead we wouldn't have problems but nooo I have to struggle to get it every freaking time and maybe what I was destined to be but im not saying its thier fault its no one's fault being blamed is just doesn't make me feel good. I just want to lead a normal life with normal people and do normal things is that hard to get or do either way

It is what it is and nothing would change my predicament who would've known I was in deep shit like deep

It is what it is and we can't change it now life will forever be a waste of time for me and no one could change me.'i do know and only you can help yourself' shut up please Pablo

Can't believe im fighting with pablo during my last moments on this world

*~*

Everybody loved the things

You used to do

From the way you talked to the way you movued

And everybody here was watching cause you felt like home

You were a dream came true

Can I have a moment

Before I go

Cause I've been myself all night long

Hoping you were something I used to know it was just like a movie it was just like a song

When you were here

When we were young

........that day was the beginning of something great ,we found out we were and the same class till date and became friends , we had even had a squad not remotely true. We were the weirdos and at that time I hadn't found who I am and was a wanna be........

Funny huhh you thought you reach so far but we are still in our beginning phase

In the good time's I find myself

Longing for change

In the bad times I fear myself

Back to reality

Given and I walk out to pass a group of boys "newbies my shoes are dirty"I say looking at them ."really are they dirty sorry we will clean them"they say at the same time. Given and I share a look and start giggling . So much respect for us wow it felt nice I'd admit.

The kids do as they felt 'cleaning my shoes'  but one of them he just stares at me and I stare  back bewildered what the fuck is his problem. "Thank you guys and hows the first day of school bobo's? "As I make small talk. We all talk and laugh but not the quiet one  he just sits and raises his eyebrows and smirks. After a long talk we bid them farewell as the bell rings. And I feel like stabbing it to death its so annoying

First bell was a signal to get up and walk

Second bell was a signal to show you that you must've reached your distinction I remember this because of the talk me and tge principal had last year regarding my return to this hell hole

We head for the quad  mostly walking faster then the average teen and stand in our respectable lines and one row at a time then we enter the grand hall. Second bell rungs as we enter yeah yeah.

"Oh they gonna do that thing they like doing"Given announces interrupting my conversation with someone. "What thing?" I question puzzled I wasn't gone that long and the school already had a thing. "The introduction into highschool life , you know they play music and the newbies enter the hall remember when it was us they played juju on the beat" One person from the back of us says.

"Really?" its seems like I've been in this school for years now but hey we ain't here to have fun are we

*~*

They enter one by one and make thier way to sit on the floor, its tradition so is the weekload of torture haha I am so glad I aint them

Shame I feel for them it ain't as easy as they think its gon be.If this was like any other school it would be a day of torture but it isn't this was a art school . So everyone had to be creative.

*~*

(Flash back)

"Given so we are going to share bunk beds cause other people got weird sleeping habits and fart"I whisper into her ear shejust giggles.

"So you gon be on the top and  the middle bed we'll use as a wardrobe"she answers back. You know what it's true great minds think alike it was like she read my mind.

We reach our destination (the battle zone) a million miles away from any civilization. The air reeked of animal dropings and I could just imagine what was awaiting us in those shallow walls .

"Where or where are we now" Me and given say  sneaking out our phone's .( We were not allowed to bring them after all). If they got found we would have to do thier finale right's and bid them farewell.

Wow this is the perfect place to murder someone smiling to myself maybe I should bring my brother here one time and get away with it , but how would I get them here? Wow how ironic theres no network what so ever.

This is going to be a long weekend I sense although my life was crappy given gave me a sense of happyness I started to feel like a human a person with actual feelings .....

(I zone back after being woken from my slumber of memories)

"Huh what happened?? did I droll??? did I say something?????" I shout out to the figure in front of me

"Shush"Mrs. Kaans says ,tall enough to be a men in disguise,brunette hair glass average size and pumps  . Wow out of all the teachers I got to see this one for two years and to make things worse she is my register teacher as if someone didn't want me to be happy .

Wasn't it enough for her that she taught me a foreign language now this. Why me? She's has always had a problem with me but I never take her crap laying low.

Lets sing the school song  (the principle anonoces) ...... "for crying out loud you woke me for this, its not like I know the lyrics of this song  don't you remember what happened to the last teacher who tried to get in my way"I remark. Well everyone did actually and just works out for me .

Everyone close stares at me "what do y'all dumb fucks want ? Wanna catch me outside?" I look and say with my hands lifted up eveyone stares in different directions now.

Everyone resumes and start singing and  as I start lip syncing my ass off. After the school anthem we did what everyone did begin our personal chitchat and that was the sign that no more listening to your ass principle.

(Everyone heads to their classes) who wants to stay in the hall all day like really it sinked but not sink sink like hair and breathe and all that nasty stuff even pie.

Me and given were in the same class  and so you obviously know we sat next to each other and laughed at my errors which I have a habit of doing a lott!!!but hey what are friends for

©becca please report to the office immediately!!

Mmmm so what did I do??? only god nows for sure but at the looks and stares people give me they also wondering what I did now

I head to the office to reach a blick picture that look like my father "huh how come"

Wow cant believe this. Tom came to fetch me wow god does hear your prayers .

I should start going to church but I haven't been there for years maybe he'll fulfil that wish that I find someone to be there for me and not what I have or what they can benefit.

I'm tried of failing in love it's either I chose a hoe , controller or a dead ass ugly roach. I wish I was ugly maybe someone might love me for me

Dating is such a joke nowadays and I just want to know what love is I want him to show me  but I wouldn't want to be lock in a castle of rooms and not know which to chose



_________________

Different isn't it

Sorry if yall thought I'd just be probably at the end of the book

But mystery  always made my heart

® Rebecca hope creations