Inside the Mind of a Sinner Man

…Psych ward…

-James Sinner-

"Coca-Citri is having a few experimental testings for a few new formulas of our beverages, foods and pharmaceuticals, we'll pay upwards of 500$ per test. First 100 to show up only, more may be needed on a later date." That's all I read from the paragraph long ad, that's all I needed to read. I was already on my way down. I was first one to show up and boy was it a trip. I thought I'd surprise my family, so I didn't tell them that I had went. They sat me down and had me go through tens of papers and documents signing off and reading them. After the lobby and offices, there was a long hall with so many doors you'd have thought you walked into the matrix. I did several tests, I made over ten thousand dollars cash that day. I saw a bleeding red door at the end of the hall, that was where the final test took place, some sort of government initiative but i had a growing hate for the government as they were the ones to put us in this mess. I came back a few more times and noticed the last test was closed and the door was locked. Then before I left, my final day there, it was open again. I quickly went in.

I needed money, I needed a lot fast. I had been hooked on drugs, and in a city with a major drug dealing problem it wasn't hard to indulge my addiction. I had a wife, Jennifer, who spent her days at three part time jobs, and a daughter, Cindy, who was interning at the Coca-Citri HQ in downtown M-Dade. All together we barely made enough to pay rent, much less food, clothing, comforts, and other necessities. So I applied for the experimental testing in the Coca-Citri facility adjoined to the larger HQ, but… I never expected this.

"If you could be

what you could choose

nothing to lose 

what would you do?

Who am I

to justify 

or dignify 

whats wrong or right?

afterall

when curtains called

desires enthralled 

even angels fall.

passions unleashed for guiltless fun

wild thoughts with which they run

lighters of wonders lit like the sun

fashions a smile like a loaded gun.

wildest dreams

have been set free

test to see

who you will be?"

That's what it read. It was etched into all of the walls, as if the person before me had scratched them in. Who am I to pass up on it. I wasn't very wealthy and I wasn't very smart. All I had to do was swallow it, whats the worse that could happen? I drank it. after a few moments they let me out and gave me a watch so they could track my vitals. They told me to call them whenever I felt something unusual. What was I supposed to feel. I felt like it was a bust, after all they had said they based it on some kid's street drug and an animal. Then suddenly the world was clear. I wasn't on a trip, I wasn't high, I was freed from all mental constraints. I felt powerful and smart. I rushed home to my family to show them all the good news. When I walked in I saw Jennifer twirling her shoulder length, curly, brown hair and playing withe the wedding band on her finger. She was clearly building up the courage to say something huge.

"You're back." Jennifer said with such sarcasm and distrust you'd think she'd have caught me cheating on her and was waiting for her attitude to tell me before she even said anything about it.

"Yes, but I can finally tell you why." I said with more vigor and joy than I had had in a long time. 

She looked confused and distraught. Perhaps she was going to going to call me out on something and I had just ruined the mood with my joy? "Wha- no James you- you said you be clean-"

I quickly cut her off by flashing forty five thousand dollars cash. " I am, kinda, but that is unimportant. I can get us out of debt, I can start us on the right foot to get a better life Jenny." I was bursting at the seems with pride, excitement, and anticipation for her reaction. I probably should have shown some restraint as my words came out like bullets from a machine gun.

"Where, where did you get this James?" Her shock wore off as her voice filled with more and more sternness. 

"Some experiments for coca citri, nothing too much." 

She looked at me with such distrust it was almost like she was looking at a stranger that offered to park her car. "You've never done anything like this before."

"I didn't know I could till I tried." I shrugged and beamed a great big smile.

"Aren't they dangerous. What if it went wrong?" She was hitting me with question after question after question.

I took her in my arms and spun her around. I gazed inter her "What if I got the money, what if nothing goes wrong, what if I can solve our problems? That's what was going through my mind. You limit yourself with negatives. Never let yourself dwell on what could be, just do what you want and you'll have no regrets." I planted a deep kiss on her lips.

If her eyes could get any wider her face would be more eyes than face. She chuckled nervously "What's gotten into you?"

"Experimental drugs, but nothing else." I winked and chuckled. 

"This is serious James." She locked eyes with me, my eyes still blazing with wonder, something in her gave in. "I can't give up on you, if you think this will work then I'll support it, just don't die on me okay." With those words, a life of inhabited emotion broke free, we did what ever we wanted. Months passed as my life became the american dream. I bought a new house and car, got a better job a Coca Citri, and I was finally able to get Cindy into a good school. I soon lost all that enhanced brain power meaning my financing and trade went down the drain but surely I was well off now that I wouldn't have to worry about that. I did whatever or whoever I wanted, did all the drugs, pushed my way through crowds, skipped lines, and got away with it all but I never hurt any one, at first… Soon we couldn't pay for the fancy apartment, or the new car, or the school fees. How did i end up like this again, was there something wrong with me? How did it happen so fast? I soon couldn't handle the repercussions of this life, but if at first you don't succeed… try try try again I worked at the facility where the drug was, I knew where the restricted area was, so I went. I stole the drugs, a good seven sets. I started doing favors for all those that would pay. I just would not kill or do anything unfairly, after all I was a giving man, more so before the drug than now but hey, it's easier to give when you have more.

Soon I moved from small thefts to larger thefts and my family was none the wiser. I gave to charities but the more i took the drug the smarter i got and the more time I spent saving and hording. Then… I finally slipped up. It's said a guilty man wants to be punished, I guess I wasn't guilty because I didn't under stand why I was being chased down by the police, well that's not accurate, I knew why, I just didn't like the reason. I broke things off with my wife and she was devastated, I kissed my daughter goodbye and left. I left behind most of the cash, after burning through 5 sets I was able to make an iron clad plan for if this ever arose. they'd be fine for at least a full year of unemployment. I was now on the run. I ran down an alley open ended ally. then two police cars blocked both sides of the alley. I was cornered in an alley, no where to go, and when you corner a wild animal they fight back with everything they have. I let the cops get behind me. I had my hands up. but the moment they put their gun to my back-"Is that a gun or are you happy to see me."

"Shut up and put your hands on the car." They were firm nudging me with the gun. "See you don't want to put your gun up to me like that for your sake."

"Why is that?" and like that i had them. Gun still on my back and though they were on their toes their trigger finger would take over, pushing aside their rational thought. People have been shot and killed for less on 'accident'.

Now I'm not an action movie main character, and I hadn't fought much in my life but the way my enhanced brain worked, lets just say I was a quick learner, "Makes it really easy to do-" I spun around quickly at and angle so when they fired they missed me and hit their partner. i gripped their arm and kneed the elbow as hard as I could. I heard a loud tear as they dropped the gun clattering across the floor. I picked it up and began firing at everyone there. I shot and killed one, injuring the others. That's when I crossed a line, not just any line… 'the' line.

 Soon months became weeks and weeks became days as I lost myself in the chaos of being on the run. It was a rush, but no one could live like that. I took over all the drug trade in the city and was able to recreate the drug with my new connections in Coca-Citri and on the streets. I stared up my own club, and laundry place, even did some investing to launder the cash. I was invincible, at least I had thought that I was. Up until the day someone like me beat me withing an inch of my life. He was like me but much younger, it was more a fight of ideals than fist fighting. He couldn't have been older that my daughter but he spoke like he had been alive on this planet a longer time than most. He had come to me under the guise of wanting a favor, he had recently lost his friend and wanted to save her. I noticed his perfect posture even while we were leaning in the back room of my club. His tone, level of eye contact, and comprehension weren't that of a regular person. It took me little time to find out that he was like me, not limited by the constraints of society and the will of others. "You're like me kid, you understand what this is like, what it's like to be-"

"A narcissistic lunatic." He interjected faster than I could think to say the next word. And like that his true intentions shown. He wasn't here for a favor. his fist collided with my face. "You're related to why she's missing?" I struggled to think of how I could be involved. Then it hit me, the friend… she had the same middle name as the last name of one of the cops I had taken down when I was cornered a while back. Her mother's maiden name maybe.

I took a gamble, "Her Aunt, you think I hurt her, that I had attacked her?" I started recovering as he menacingly walked toward me. 

"You did a lot more than that." He kicked me back down.

"Look kid I didn't do anything wrong, they tried to kill me."

"Your ex-wife and daughter are sick and you don't even care?" He shouted the words as he grabbed me by the collar and pulled me up to his face.

"What?" A sensation that had been lost to me resurfaced. "How bad is it."

"Very bad." The deepest darkest pit formed in my stomach. He continued to berate me, "You feel that, the dread and worry, that's proof your action will always have consequences. I may be younger than you but I've been taking this stuff a lot longer than you and i just want to say… you don't get to act like you can do anything, people are selfless by default and are only as evil and selfish as you when they are given time to think, given time to decide that their life means more than anyone else's. I lost my friend thinking like that. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, people aren't disposable commodities."

"How?" Question that it could have meant a billion things.

But he knew what I was talking about. "That drug they gave you, they added something to it, you were immune so it was dormant, but it was passed from you to your family."

I understood then that my decisions really did have consequences but something inside didn't want to take that as fact. "I don't care, that means nothing to me."

"Hmm." He gave me a deep look, like he was gazing into my soul. "You're broken. You really do want this life. Most people have guilty pleasures, they like some odd form of music or music from a singer who's a terrible person. Some people like eating things they shouldn't. Everyone has desires that they shouldn't. The kiss or be withe the person that you can't or shouldn't be with, to beat someone, maybe to even kill someone, but you, you just want chaos. You want, sex, drugs, alcohol, to fight, to kill, and the money and skill to do it all. Someone broke you well before you got this drug, it's just your crutch. Personally mine was to help people, as funny as it sounds, i wanted to be a hero, wanted to stop crimes, but without thinking… I made everything worse now people like you exist. We made be the same physically but our minds aren't. I'll fix you because i still understand the concept of responsibility." As he finished his fist connected to my face and I blacked out.

… Psych Ward …

-Daniel Everight-

I wrote everything he said, people really get going if you understand them and know what questions to ask. To be fair… I was the one he was talking about so it wasn't hard to follow along. "And what happened you woke up?" I already knew the answer, "Here, with no access to the drug for months and the programs here I was able to get better, but it was a rough first month. the dependence I had on the drug was more than just the good feeling I got, but it made you the most you and best you that you could be. After that tho I've spent every day praying for my family."

"I see I heard they are doing better. Still not in talking condition. When do they let you guys in this wing out for lunch?"

"Around twelve-thirty in the afternoon." I got what I needed. I knew where the drug came from, well the altered version of my drug, and I know when she'll be free.