Episode 11. Love Knows No Name
He picked up his phone. After scrolling through the notifications, he read the message he just received, before putting back in his pocket.
“What are you grinning about, Momo? Got a message from a girlfriend? A boyfriend, maybe?”
Tomo and Tatsumi lived in the same direction, so they could head home together when Tatsumi didn’t have practice.
“I’ve got neither.”
“So it’s from senpai then?”
Had Tomo been that obvious about Ken? Not that it actually was Ken.
“No, it’s from Shouji.”
“Your uncle?”
Tomo shook his head. “No, my father.”
“Wasn’t it Nao-something?”
“Naomichi, written with the character for ‘more’ and ‘road’, so it's read as Shouji too. He likes alternative readings. I’m Kyou, and my sisters are Yukiyo and Chinatsu.”
“Why do you call your father by name?”
He tilted his head. “I wonder why…”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t remember. My mother calls him Shouji, and he was rarely home. My sisters call him by name too.”
Tatsumi began walking again.
“Wait. I need to let Ichirou-san know Shouji’s coming so he can air out the futon.”
Tatsumi stopped with a puzzled look.
“Let me get this straight. Your father, which is your mother’s ex-husband, is coming over to your house and sleeps there and your mother’s new husband is okay with that?”
“Why not? Sawa and Shouji divorced on good terms, and he knew Shouji came as part of the deal. Sawa’s a little special.”
“You call your mother by name too?”
“Oh…” He wasn’t sure how to explain that one. “Maybe because I say ‘Shouji’?”
It was more complicated than that, though. Or perhaps it was simpler than that. It depended on how he looked at the situation.
Once Tomo looked up from his phone, Tatsumi surprised him by asking: “Can I have your nick?”
While Yuu had demanded to be friends online, it never occurred to Tomo others might too. Those in his class ignored him most of the time, and he wasn’t at the club enough to have anyone added. So Tomo’s family, Ken’s family, and Sakura’s family were his only friends aside from Yuu, totalling to thirteen.
Any friends from middle school had long since removed him and he lost contact with everyone from his middle school.
Tatsumi friended Tomo after Yuu did, and had greeted him every day, so despite hesitating, he smiled.
“Sure. Can I borrow your phone?”
After unlocking his phone and opening the app, Tatsumi gave it to Tomo. He typed his Tatsumi in his user in the search field, tapping ‘friend request’.
“Want to follow my work account too? I don’t update that much though.”
“Sure, add it!”
He gave Tatsumi the phone before looking at his own. “Request accepted. Now you can message me anytime.”
“Neat.”
Tatsumi checked his phone while they continued, but abruptly stopped. Tomo turned to see his friend stared at his phones with a furrowed brow. Then he looked at Tomo in confusion.
“Momo… Your gender on your work profile...”
Tomo froze. Since the café was a safe space, he had changed from ‘Secret’ to ‘Nonbinary’, but it was such a recent change it had slipped his mind.
He had even talked to Kouta and Fujiki about it, to make sure it was fine, and Fujiki said he could just tell customers and people online he was trying it out. Some at the café did that, and Aki had switched between man and woman a lot at first, being too insecure about it.
“Do... Does it?” Tomo laughed awkwardly. “I wonder… if tenchou-chan changed it… maybe?”
Why had he been so stupid to change his profile? Why had he been so stupid to give Tatsumi that username? What was he supposed to do? He wasn’t ready for this.
Running away from the situation was the only thing he could think of, and before he had realised it, he was dashing to physically get away from it.
“Momo! Wait!”
No way was he planning on waiting. Or stopping. Yet, he was soon too out of breath to continue and he needed to take a moment to catch his breath.
That was enough for Tatsumi to catch up.
“I can pretend I know nothing. You hadn’t mentioned it, so it surprised me. That’s all.” He bought a can of juice at a nearby vending machine and then gave it to Tomo. “Here. You need to drink something. And some exercise, because you look completely beat.”
Taking the can, Tomo looked at the ingredients.
“Oh, come on! I’ve checked that drink lots of time to make sure it’s fine.”
“Sorry, force of habit,” he tried to smile, but looked away from Tatsumi instead. “And sometimes they change recipes, so you know...”
After swallowing a few mouthfuls of the refreshingly cold drink, he began walking again and Tatsumi joined him without another word. His heart was racing as if he was still running, but the awkward silence was weighing him down.
The shame of someone outside finding out about it, made it difficult to look Tatsumi in the eye when it was time to part ways. The fear of someone he was becoming friends with judging him — judging ‘Tomoki’, instead of ‘Momo-san’ — consumed him.
He had gone through it once; it didn’t need to happen again.
It’d hurt if Tatsumi avoided him from there on. It’d hurt more if his classmates shunned him. If he stayed home, never going to school again, he could avoid it.
He could avoid another betrayal.
“Later, Tatsumi,” he muttered, taking a step to continue past where Tatsumi would turn.
“Momo, wait! Sorry if I ever said or did anything to make you uncomfortable. If I haven’t, just think I’m an idiot or something. But still… sorry.”
Tomo forced himself to smile as he turned to Tatsumi. “Thanks, I guess.”
He took another step towards home, his safe space, but stopped in his step. As much as he wanted to flee, he couldn’t just leave it.
“Uhm...” He nervously fingers the uniform shirt, staring into the ground. “Don’t tell or show anyone that.”
“I wasn’t going to. I saw nothing, right? See you tomorrow, Momo.”
He listened to Tatsumi’s footsteps leave before he turned to look in that direction. He watched his back for a moment before he continued home, hoping he wouldn’t go through all of it again.
***
Tomo looked at his profile for his part-time job. It had few pieces of information about him, and an invitation to the café. And his catchphrase when caught by Ken at work: ‘My kiss is worth too much for this world’.
Was his kiss truly worth too much? Wasn’t it embarrassing to have a friend see that on Tomo’s work profile?
More pressing were the reactions. Some hadn’t noticed and only commented on his last picture, which featured himself standing with Ken kneeling on the floor and holding his hand. Satou had taken it from Tomo’s perspective, so his face wasn’t visible.
Some reactions were positive, others negative. It gave him mixed feelings about having changed his gender. If he hadn’t, Tatsumi wouldn’t have found out either.
The screen suddenly changed to show Ken’s name and profile picture. Tomo hurried to answer, his heart racing, and a slight feeling of nausea started crawling from his stomach to his throat.
“Hello? It’s Tomo.”
“It’s me.”
Ken sounded calm, and Tomo relaxed again.
“What kind of ‘It’s me’ scam is this?”
He laughed. “I just wanted to talk to you. I mean, it’s been a while since I called. Can I?”
Smiling happily, Tomo leaned towards the wall where he sat on his bed.
“Mmhmm.”
Last time Ken called just because Tomo must have been in elementary school. He didn’t remember why or when it stopped, though it could have been a natural transition when Tomo had gotten his cellphone.
“What are you doing?”
“I was reading comments on Momo-san’s profile.”
“Report the nasty ones as spam. I’ve done that to all comments saying I’m disgusting.”
His throat tightened. “If it causes you problems… Should I change it back?”
“No. If it’s—. Ah, wait. Mum just got home. I need to move or she’ll overhear.” Ken whispered, before speaking to his mother: “Welcome home! I’m on the phone with Tomoki-kun, so I’ll be going to my room, unless you need me for something.”
So he called Tomo ‘Tomoki-kun’ when talking with his mother? Once upon a time it had been ‘Tomo-chan’.
“I’m home. You should bring Tomoki-chan here sometime. I want to see him. Is he truly as pretty as you say?”
“He can hear you, you know?”
Keiko laughed, but her tone was stern. “Is he your boyfriend? Don’t let it affect your grades. I’m glad you won’t end up like Naomichi with a kid at eighteen and marrying some random woman, though.”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I've never let my grades drop, have I? Though I think you should look at your past marriage before you speak ill about someone else’s.”
There was some mumbling in the background.
“I’ll ask Tomoki-kun over, but he’s not my boyfriend.”
Listening to Ken running to his room, he laid down in bed, hugging a white plush bunny. He buried his face in the soft fur, cheeks burning, while also anxious.
“Sorry. Did you wait?”
“No, it was interesting.”
“Interesting?”
“Mmhmm. What were you saying before?”
“What was it? Oh, right! If it feels like it’s right, keep it. It’s your decision. If it bothers them, it’s their problem. Online or offline, niisan wouldn’t allow it, so don’t take it to heart.” Ken hesitated for a moment. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. Don’t bother with what other people say about me.”
“I’ll try.”
Silence.
“Ken?”
Tomo checked the screen, but the call was still connected.
“Kenta? Hello?”
“…Sorry, I just thought—Sorry about mum calling us a couple.”
“No, that made me happy. Not the boyfriend part, but still…”
Silence again.
“Then... uh... Would… Would you… dunno… maybe like to date?”
Ken’s sounded insecure, and he stumbled over the words.
Tomo buried his face in the bunny again. Ken didn’t date people, yet he asked Tomo to date. Tomo, someone who was kind of a boy, and not a girl.
Neither of them mentioned dating before, and Tomo assumed they would stay ‘just friends’. Remain in a relationship that was really neither friendship, nor as a couple.
Something like Ken had with the girls.
“I know your rules,” he said, grinning. “No serious feelings. We’re already out. Both of us. You must find someone else, sorry.”
He heard laughter at the other end.
“You know what I meant,” Ken said. “Don’t reject me now. Was my first time asking that bad?”
He wouldn’t mind it at all, but…
“You won’t be single anymore, you know.”
“I don’t think that would make any difference for the two of us.”
“You can’t date girls?” Tomo suggested.
“Oh, no!” Ken exclaimed. “I guess I’ll just have to bring you on dates then,” he added with a chuckle. It made Tomo think of whenever Ken put his chin in his hand, looking amused.
Tomo huffed. “I suppose I’ll have to go then.”
“Would it be so bad?” Ken smiled.
“I can’t hold your hand if we’re going around places with lots of people. Or hug. Or be like a couple. It would just be two guy friends going out.”
“I can if you’re fine with it. Not everywhere, but around and at the café would be fine.”
“Someone might call you gay.”
Ken fell silent for a few moments.
“I don’t mind. I know I’m not. I just like Tomo because Tomo is Tomo.”
Tomo remained silent.
Even if he had understood Ken before, part of him hadn’t believed it. He realised that now. It had felt like he misunderstood Ken, and Ken had just been nice enough to not say anything.
“Tomo?”
“Um, you meant that, you know, romantically, right? Not like when we were kids, right?”
Ken laughed. “Yeah, I do. I wouldn’t be asking otherwise. We talked about this before.”
“Will you still sleep beside me?”
“Sure.” Ken’s voice sounded muffled. “I won’t say it’s weird.”
“But only if Ichirou allows it,” Tomo added.
“Are you going to ask him? Do I have to ask for his blessing too?”
“I won’t! And we’re not getting married, Ken!”
“Not yet.”
He flushed. Did Ken like him so much he’d marry him? That was unexpected.
“But how do we deal with school?”
That worried Tomo the most. They already experienced the sort of bullying he imagined they’d go through.
“We don’t need to tell anyone there. Summer break is starting, so it’s not like anyone would find out. Let’s maybe talk with Arata and Makoto-san first. They would understand.”
“Should we tell Ichirou or should we expect a shock when he asks?”
Ken laughed. “Do what you feel is best.”
He didn’t know what to do, though. It was still scary how he knew they shared a bed without either of them ever mentioning it.
“Can I come over tomorrow after school?”
“I need to ask Ichirou. Shouji is coming tonight.”
“Then maybe you can ask Shouji-nii to come here with you instead. I might have to ask him for a blessing if I can have Tomo.”
“Ken!”
Ken’s laugh was contagious, and Tomo began chuckling.
They talked about all kinds of trivial things, which made Tomo very nostalgic. Then Ken brought up how he was glad Tomo had friends now.
“Tatsumi…” Tomo began, but trailed off.
Ken was silently waiting before he asked: “What about Tatsumi?”
“He asked for my Horizon account.”
“That’s good, isn’t it? That means he wants to keep in touch!”
“I gave him my work profile too…”
Ken sighed. “Sometimes you just don’t think at all. You’re much like—”
“I’m not like Sawa!”
“I was going to say Shouji-nii. He can be impulsive sometimes.”
Tomo chuckled in relief. He was many things, but the thought of being like Sawa scared him. It was enough Chika seemed to have gotten some of their mother’s airheadedness.
“Tomo, could you give me a moment? Niisan wants to talk. I didn’t even know he was home.”
“Mm. I’ll wait.”
Tomo stretched out and changed the hand he was holding the phone with. He wished he had been using his earphones, but they were in his school bag at the other side of the room and he couldn’t bother to get up to get them. So he just listened.
“What’s up?”
“I’ve been at Chitose’s and am going back to work… in about thirty minutes. An hour, maybe. Fuji-chan is covering for me so I could get most of it done today. I was going to ask you to help me with Fujinosuke’s heavy things. But if you’re busy…”
Kouta’s voice was surprisingly clear and sounded like he saw something amusing.
“Mm. I’m busy.” Ken was mumbling. What face was Kouta making? What was it that made Ken mumble? “I’ll help later. Does tomorrow work out?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. But Ken.”
“What?”
“Your face is red. And you’re grinning. Did you start dating someone seriously now? Is that who you’re talking to?”
“That has nothing to do with you!”
“If it’s—”
“Niisan!”
Kouta laughed.
“Leave me alone!”
“I have something I’ll tell you first. I can’t let your friend hear it.”
There was a long silence.
“What the hell? Get out!”
Tomo heard Kouta laugh some more and then the door slamming shut.
“Sorry you heard that,” Ken said after a long pause.
“What did Kouta say?”
“He asked if I could help Chitose-baasan.”
“No, before you told him to leave.”
“He just told me… some stuff I don’t wanna know.”
“Wha… Why would he tell you anything about that?”
“To be honest, I’m sure he knows how I feel about you.”
“But that sounds like sexual harassment, Ken.”
“Doesn’t it?! Then again, he’s also my big brother, so I don’t know...”
“I wonder who told him though. It doesn’t seem like something he’d look into.”
“Arata probably told him. Maybe Tachibana too.”
“I guess you’re right.” Tomo thought for a while. “What was that about grandpa’s things?”
“You don’t know? Your grandparents are moving.”
“What? No one told me!” He was just about to ask why, when there was a knock on his door.
“Tomo-kun. It’s time for dinner. Please, come down.”
He’d have to ask his father then.
“I will!” Tomo responded towards the door. “Ken, sorry, Ichirou said it’s time for dinner. Shouji must be here.”
“Oh, right.” There was a brief pause before he heard mumbling. “I’m glad we got to talk for a bit.”
“I’m happy you called. Call me more often for no reason at all. Like you did when we were kids.”
“I called twice a day when I couldn’t just run over to see you! I can’t do that!”
Tomo chuckled. “I know. I’ll see you tomorrow at school. And if Kouta says anything weird again, say I’ll talk to Fuyuki.”
“... I really like you, Tomo. I’ll say that in person next time. I didn’t last time. Later.”
Tomo's cheeks heated up. “Bye-bye, Ken.”
He cut the call and hurried downstairs.
***
“Kyou. Kyou? Tomo? Tomoki!”
“Huh?” He looked up at Shouji.
“You’re staring into your food with a strange grin on your face.”
He flushed and turned to Ichirou. “Is that true?”
“I have to say it was a smile, but I wouldn’t call it strange.”
“Ichirou-san, it was a strange one. Stupid too.”
“Naomichi-kun, telling your children they smile strangely and stupidly when they are staring into their food not eating while their mind is elsewhere is rather rude. Just be silently amused by it.”
Tomo looked between Shouji and his step-father and wasn’t sure which was better.
“Teaching children to mind their manners is important. If Kyou is unfocused now, he might be during work.”
“I'm certain Tomo-kun wouldn’t do that at work, Naomichi-kun, as I’ve been raising him lately.”
“Isn’t he spacing out while there’s a guest?”
“So you see yourself as a guest of the house, Naomichi-kun? It’s still your home, isn’t it?”
“I haven’t lived here for years.”
“You never lived here,” Tomo pointed out. “It almost sounds like Ichirou-san’s your ex-husband,” he added. “Again.”
“At least they sound divorced,” Chika said with a disgusted glare at her father. “It’s creepy when Shouji comes home and Ichirou-san meets up with him like a newlywed wife. ‘Welcome Naomichi-kun. I have prepared the bath and futon for you, and I packed you some clothes for when you have to leave for work again.’ doesn’t sound like the conversation between the current husband and ex-husband.”
Shouji took a bite and chewed on it thoughtfully.
“I don’t know about that, Chinatsu. Sawa only greeted me at the door when she was pregnant with you, pregnant with Tomoki and when we decided to get divorced.”
Ichirou nodded in agreement. “I understand how you feel, Naomichi-kun.”
“I’m sorry about my ex-wife,” Shouji said with an apologetic smile.
“Please, don’t apologise. It was my choice to marry Sawa-san.”
Sawa looked between the two, her head tilted in confusion. Whether it was that she didn’t understand or that she only now realised they talked about her, Tomo couldn’t tell.
“That reminds me of when you proposed.”
Chika’s brow furrowed. “I don’t remember you being home that day.”
“He was. In spirit,” Ichirou said with an amused smile.
Tomo hadn’t found it particularly funny at the time, but he couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I came home from school and Ichirou was reading the newspaper. There was an open box with a ring on the table and mum was talking on the phone. I could kind of figure out what was going on, so I asked if mum was asking Shouji for advice on getting married.”
“No way,” Chika uttered in disbelief.
“You should know very well how your mother is. Since the call was taking so long, I began making dinner together with Tomo-kun. It required a proposal for Tomo-kun not to shoo me out.”
“I’ve only said I could handle it myself. But you did say you had finished your book and read the newspaper a few by then. I couldn’t exactly force you to sit there reading the newspaper again.”
“That’s so very like you, Kyou,” Shouji laughed, drying tears out of the corners of his eyes. “Regardless, an hour after Sawa had hung up, Ichirou-san called me to ask about you children. I’m glad I told her I approved.”
“You said I should marry him since he asked,” Sawa corrected him.
“No one else would have married you.”
“You married me.”
“I took responsibility because I knocked you up, Sawa. I’ve been doing my best for the kids the entire time.”
“He’s right, Sawa-san. He does a lot for the children.”
“Has Shouji ever done anything?”
“He comes to all our sports meets,” Chika pointed out.
“And culture festivals,” Tomo added.
“All my basketball games.”
“And my plays when I still did that.”
“He’d talk to us over the phone when we were sick.”
“Or came home as soon as possible, if he could.”
“He stayed at the hospital with Tomo.”
“And he’s the one who talked with the teachers and the principal about bullying and harassment.”
“He comes for all our birthdays.”
“And when the school year ends.”
“Right?” Chika added, looking at Tomo. “There’s also the parent-teacher meetings.”
“And he pays for all their things, part of the mortgage of this house, the insurances, necessary costs for the car, their allowances... Not to mention, he’s the one who talked with Kouta-kun about Tomo-kun’s job. I’d say Naomichi-kun is a very reliable father, though his work requires him to travel. And he knows of Tomo-kun’s allergy.”
“Shouji works?”
“If he didn’t, I would not have been able to retire early.”
“You’ve retired, Ichi?”
“Ichirou-san, I sincerely am sorry about my ex-wife.”
“I’m used to it, Naomichi-kun. Besides, I got wonderful children through marriage.”
“I’m glad I could give you at least that, Ichirou-san.”
Tomo wondered if it wasn’t more correct that Sawa gave Ichirou children through their marriage, but he wouldn’t point that out.
***
“Tomo-kun?”
He looked up at Ichirou, who was next to him while he was washing dishes. “Yes?”
“I noticed you’ve been fidgeting since we finished dinner. Is there something you want to talk about?”
Tomo laughed awkwardly. “I’m not sure.”
He wanted to let someone know how happy he was. He couldn’t deny that.
However, his past bruises hurt, laughs and the names they had called him echoed within his ears, and he could feel the traces of the silent tears of anger, betrayal and hurt feelings on his cheeks. Even the scar ached, as if the long since gone pain was returning.
He glanced at Shouji, who was leisurely watching TV with Sawa and Chika. The man chuckled at something Chika had said, grinning at her when she got angry at her father.
Kouta wouldn’t have kept quiet about what kind of place it was from Shouji, and the planning of it had happened while Tomo was a child, still often staying with his grandmother, and he could vaguely remember his father talking about it with Kouta.
Shouji must know about the café’s visitors, and the staff. He couldn’t imagine Kouta wouldn’t have mentioned, especially since it was his passion to create a safe space for all. And while Shouji wasn’t the most available father, Ichirou was right that he was reliable when it counted.
“Actually, no,” he said with a smile. “I’m fine, thanks.”
“I see,” Ichirou answered with a nod. He dried his hands on the towel he was drying dishes with and went to the TV area.
“Chika-san, you need to study. If you don’t, you will not get into any universities. I know your exams are over, but you won’t remember anything after the summer break.” His smile was gentle, but the voice was firm and it made Chika jump off the sofa and hurry upstairs.
Nausea built up in his chest, and he wanted to run away. He wanted to stop it. But he had frozen in place, watching the man turn to his wife.
“Sawa-san, you promised to bring in the laundry. Have you done that yet?”
“Oh, did I? I’ll bring it in.” Tomo’s mother left the room in a hurry.
He wanted to scream out loud, but he felt like he might throw up if he opened his mouth.
“Naomichi-kun, I’ll be going to the convenience store. Is there anything you want?” Ichirou said kindly when he had turned to Shouji.
He blinked, wanting to ask Ichirou to repeat what he had just said.
Shouji looked up. “If I forgot something when I went earlier, I’ll go.”
“Oh no, you got everything. I simply felt like eating something sweet. Is there something you want?”
“Chocolate pudding then. No wait… Hmm… Senbei maybe.”
Ichirou turned to Tomo, who was still stiff and didn’t know what to think or what to say.
“Would you like something?”
He scrambled for an answer. “Pudding! Strawberry pudding.”
“I’ll be going then. Tomo-kun seems to have something on his mind, so take the time to talk with him.”
Shouji peered past Ichirou to look at Tomo.
“Come back home safely, Ichirou-san,” he said.
Ichirou nodded and then left without another word. Soon they heard the door close behind the man.
“You okay up there? You look like Chika after going to a haunted house. Do you hate me that much? I’m a little hurt.”
Shouji smiled fatherly and patted the seat next to him.
Tomo got nervous and started scrubbing the dish he held. “No, I would never hate Shouji! I’m almost finished,” he said and got a laugh in response. It made him smile.
He finished with the dishes and put them to dry before he went to the living room and sat down beside Shouji.
Even if he was growing, sitting next to Shouji felt like he was a little child again. He wasn’t that much taller than Ken, so perhaps Shouji’s age mattered too. Not that Shouji was particularly old.
Much like Tomo, Shouji had blue eyes. It was a trait running in their family. Tomo’s great-grandfather had blue eyes as well, but they were a duller colour than Tomo’s brilliant blue. Being tall was also a trait that ran in Tomo’s paternal family, though it seemed only Chika and Chiyo had inherited that.
Shouji was leaning back and put his hand on Tomo’s head.
“What’s on your mind, kiddo?”
Tomo felt nervous again and looked into the floor, pinching the fabric of his trousers. They sat quietly. His father yawned audibly after a while.
“How’s Taketo doing?”
Tomo’s cheeks were burning. “He’s doing alright.”
“Hikata says he works hard. Is he still interested in drama?”
Tomo nodded.
“I need to see him in a play before he graduates. I haven’t seen him in one in…”
…seven years. Not since that incident. Not that Tomo or Ken ever had told Shouji what happened back then.
Tomo smiled at his troubled father. “You should, Ken’s fantastic.”
Silence fell while he gathered enough courage.
“Kouta’s café… You know what it is, right?”
“Of course. He was your age when he decided to make a safe space like it.” Tomo glanced at his father, who looked up at the ceiling in thought. “I honestly thought he was an idiot, but he made it despite everything going against him. And it’s successful at that. Don’t tell Hikata, but I’m proud of him.”
“So you know that kind of people come to visit and work there, right?”
Shouji was quiet for some time. “‘That kind’…? You know they’re just people. You, me, Taketo, Hikata, Sawa, Chinatsu, Yukiyo and everyone visiting and working at the café are just ‘people’. There’s no ‘that kind’ of people. Just people.”
Even if Shouji didn’t sound stern or angry, Tomo hadn’t expected to be told off, and he flushed in embarrassment.
“But,” Shouji said in a calming and friendly tone as he patted Tomo’s head, “I understand what you mean and I’m not angry. Just don’t say it like that about Kou’s café. He would cry. It goes against what he’s trying to do.”
Kouta never explained why he created the café. Every time Tomo or Ken had asked, he just smiled. They eventually gave up on finding out. It made little sense; Kouta was a straight man, he wasn’t transgender, and he didn’t seem to suffer from allergies or mental illness… He had opened a safe space, but what had led him to that decision?
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Make up for it by learning from it.” The hand moved from his head. “Come here,” Shouji said and put his arms around Tomo’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “I’m sorry for scolding you when you had something else in mind.” The hug was warm and calming.
“It’s alright. I know you care about Kouta.”
“I care about you too, Kyou. You’re my child.”
He hugged his father back. It was nostalgic. How long had it been since he had hugged his father?
“So what about it? What about the people at the café?”
“Well, I’m one of them…”
“I know that.”
“I’m not like everyone else…”
“I know that too.”
“I mean, I’m not… Or…”
He felt his eyes sting a little as he held back the tears. He wasn’t making any sense, and it was making him even more stressed and anxious. He hated himself for not being able to talk about this properly. He could say his opinion given enough time, but he couldn’t explain what he wanted to say.
“Calm down,” Shouji patted Tomo’s head once again, “Just say it as it is. No one’s here but me, you know. Chinatsu is doing her homework because Kazuo scared her to do it, and Sawa’s probably lazing around in the garden trying to avoid bringing in the laundry, so she’ll be out for some time.”
He nodded and gathered his courage again, Shouji silently waiting for him.
“I… um… might be nonbinary.”
“I’m glad you finally found a word to use,” the man replied with a smile. “I’ve been a little worried about you, kiddo.”
Tomo had mixed feelings.
“Did Kouta tell you?”
Shouji looked surprised. “Does he know too? Man, I’m a little sad you didn’t tell me before him. Guess I had that coming. I’m not the last to be told, am I?”
“You’re not! I mean… I’m only trying it out at the café, but Ken and Fujiki-senpai are the only ones who really know. I think Ichirou knows I might not be a boy, but I haven’t said it! Senpai figured it out pretty quickly when I started working and Ken was the one who looked into gender identities. But… how did you know?”
“I didn’t know, but Tomo was always Tomo. You were so certain as a child. If someone referred you to as a boy or girl, you’d immediately correct people. And you were right. You are you, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. But it’s not my place to guide you to some identity, so I’ve waited for you to find your own words for it or turn to me if you ever wanted to talk about it. It might be too much coming from me, but parents should watch over their children, not force them into paths they don’t want to be on. Kou and Ken-chan both have suffered too much from that. So you don’t have to be anything other than what you are, and no matter what anyone else says, I’m on your side, even if Sawa wasn’t. Though I’m sure she’ll support you no matter what.”
Tomoki felt tears welling over. He didn’t realise how relieved he would be to hear that. It didn’t remove all of his anxiety, but he felt a little better.
At least Shouji wasn’t ashamed of him.
“I said nothing you should cry about.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise.” Shouji tried to dry Tomo’s tears, but they wouldn’t stop. “No parent wants to see their child cry, but I rather see you cry than hold back. That pains me more than anything else.”
He didn’t know how to respond, and the sobbing was making it hard to speak, regardless. He kept crying until he almost laughed at himself for crying so much.
“Ken…”
“Hm?”
“Ken asked me out.”
His father raised an eyebrow. “If you’re asking for permission to go do something with Taketo, I think you should ask—”
“No, I meant as being my boyfriend. Being a couple.”
Shouji looked surprised, then he grinned. “Congrats, Kyou!”
That… was not the reaction Tomo had expected at all. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but he knew that wasn’t it. He felt puzzled as his father grinned, and still did when his demeanour changed to thoughtful.
“Have you had sexual education in school? Did they cover what you and Taketo would need to know? If you don’t, shall we go over it now?”
“We’re not interested!” Tomo said, knowing his face was turning crimson.
That was definitely even less the reaction he had expected.
“We don’t really need any information like that. I’m definitely not as sexually active as you were, and Ken is straight.”
He was blurting out what was on his mind before he realised it. His eyes widened, and he stared at his father in horror.
“I don’t mean that it was bad that you—!!”
“Huh. If you ever need to know, a web search will give you a lot of information. Maybe look into it just in case.”
Tomo started rubbing his fingers together while staring into the floor. At least Shouji wasn’t like Kouta, who just told Ken for no reason.
Wait.
He looked back at his father.
Kouta wouldn’t tell Shouji for no reason or to tease him. He would probably not even dare to suggest it since it involved Shouji’s child.
“How do you know any of it? You haven’t just looked it up for fun, have you? And you’re not exactly the type to listen to sex ed…”
Shouji looked surprised, then troubled. He clasped his hands. “No reason.” He looked tense as he leaned forward, supporting his elbows against his thighs. “Can we forget that part? I said nothing.”
Tomo would have asked more questions, but he had seen many similar reactions at the café. Just because it was a safe space, didn’t mean anyone would tell others why they were there.
He wanted to help Shouji not think of it anymore and blurted out the first thing that crossed his mind: “Do you think I can continue to share the bed with Ken or is that… inappropriate?”
Shouji relaxed with a relieved exhale as he turned to look at his child.
“I don’t see any problem with it. You’ve always slept side by side, so I don’t think I could ever stop you. Just keep in mind to be safe. It’s just a web search away.”
The man smiled, though it showed traces of the anxiety the man had felt.
“Shouji!” Tomo exclaimed, and the man laughed. “But… uh… what would you have called my and Ken’s relationship until now?”
Shouji didn’t even think before he replied: “You two have always been very loving, caring and close. But I can’t name it for you. If you think it was a friendship, so be it. If you were like siblings to you, that’s your label. But if you can’t find any word for it, that just means it’s just that special. Whatever you call it, or if you change what you call it now or, treasure it, Tomo.”
Shouji was seldom very serious. It almost always seemed like he had an air of fun or amusement around him, even when he was working. But now he was serious. Not a trace of the fun-loving Shouji that would laugh almost immediately at anything. Moments when he got tense were the only time he didn’t seem like he’d laugh at any moment.
It was as if Shouji had disappeared when Tomo asked that question.
His father unclasped his hands and poked Tomo in the chest.
“That goes for your gender identity too. Call it whatever you want. Or don’t call it anything. You can change it when you need to. Just trust yourself and allow yourself to be you. I can’t really help much when it’s related to gender, though. I don’t know how it is to question oneself like that. But I know it can be very difficult and if you ever need to talk, just call or text me. Same with relationship advice.”
“I don’t know if I want relationship advice from someone who got his twenty-four-year-old girlfriend pregnant while he was seventeen.”
Shouji gave him a half-smile. “Point taken. Though I’ve learnt from my mistakes. I don’t regret any of it. I treasure my time with Sawa very much, and I got you and your sisters, which was something I never would have imagined and would never change for anything else in the world.”
“If you put it like that, I guess I’ll have to.” Tomo tried to pout but failed. “Besides,” he added with a smile as he pulled his knees to his chest. “I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about it. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about Ken.”
Shouji raised an eyebrow. “You can always talk with Taketo himself, though. Isn’t he the natural choice to discuss your relationship with?”
His father had a point.