Chapter 4. Him

I just wonder:

Could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?

You are not my whole world. You are the best part of it. When you lose your whole world, you are left with nothing, but when you lose the best part of your life you lose hope. Don't make anyone your whole life make them the best part of it. Just a little advice for you.

Even when I feel like falling, dropping and dying I am trying to make your days even a bit better than mine. I am trying my hardest to put a little spark into your days.

Trying my hardest to talk to you and cheer you up. Trying to make you feel. Trying to make you feel loved and special, because you are, because you deserve it. You honestly deserve the world. You deserve to be happy and healthy. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others. You treat others with your golden heart. You bring smiles. You deserve reason for a smile too.

I want to treat you like a limited-edition magazine. I want to take care of you like you need to be taken care.

I don't wanna let go of our habits.

On the way to getting to know each other, we have been creating some habits. We started to show our tongues on FaceTime, it sounds weird but it's normal for us. We started sending feet pics in the shower it's our inside joke, we have many inside jokes tho. I love our weird things that only we understand. I love to get your "good morning love" text. you tell me every day that you love me and that I'm gorgeous and beautiful and valid. That makes living worthy. I never get tired of hearing those from you. I want to hear those only from you, my love. We have our own "rituals". I love them. They make us, us.

Sending video to you when I sneeze, you sending me videos of you tabbing random things, taking pics with timer for each other, sending flying kisses on FaceTime.

These things make every day worthy of waking up. These things keep me here on earth. These small little things make me happy. These make us, us. I don't want to let go of our habits.

I miss you, baby I miss you

When I let you go, I feel empty. Like part of me was missing. My bed is not full, I need your arms around me. It's hard being in a shower and when I open my eyes all I see is a wall and how you are not there.

When I wake up at night all I feel are sheets that smell just like you. I want to feel your warmth when I wake up on cold nights. I want to feel your cotton soft skin against mine. I miss your smile, I miss your kisses, I miss your mustache against my upper lip, I miss your body, arms around me, legs around me , head against my body, I miss your touch, miss your lips, miss you looking at me, miss the way you look at me, miss the shine in your eyes in the morning, miss your morning face, miss your jokes. I miss you.

You look like home. You feel like home. I want to build a home in your arms and stay there the rest of my life.

You said that the house is already built, already ready for me. You told me to move in. I did.

I promised to hug you like I was falling. I promised to hug you with every inch of my body. I promised to kiss you like it would be the last time, I will do it with passion. Every kiss, like it would be the last one. I promise to touch you like it would be our last contact. I promise to hold you when you are cold. I promise to pet your head when you are feeling down. I promise to be there at the darkest days. I promise to light you up. I promise to tell you that I love you and I promise, I mean it.

I feel like my duty on earth is to be with you. We all are looking for something

we are like puzzles. At the end of our lives, the puzzle is ready, or not. Mine isn't even near that. It is not my time to leave yet.

I feel like I'm on the right path, you showed me the way, you gave me missing pieces to my puzzle. You are filling me up, you are part of me. I'm whole with you, without I'm just a half. I am meant to be with you now, always and forever

When we die we continue this circle of life. Some paths close some open, but I know that the path after our time on earth our souls are meant to be together. I don't know where we will go but I know that my soul is part of yours.

How much difference he makes in my life

I used to be low. We call that depression. I stayed in my room, inside four walls many whole weeks. At school, I didn't speak unless I was forced to. I would go downstairs to eat when I was forced to. I basically lived with water. I didn't eat when I was alone and eating with people made me anxious. He changed me. He saved me. He changed my life.

He is not like any other shitty guy. He is optimistic, he cheers me up and he always cares. He wants everything to work out. He wants me, he wants me to get better. He came into my life. He saw this potential in me that no one else saw. He helped me. He cheered me up when I was low. He helped me through several panic and anxiety attacks.

He was always there. But in the moment he came into my life my whole world changed. He became my routine. He made me feel love, see light, and enjoy life. He hasn't seen pain like I have, he hasn't suffered like I have. He still has amazing life experiences and vise advice. He taught me a lot. He changed me completely. I wanted to stop my life, he stopped me. He saved my life.

He makes me move and exercise. He makes me eat. He makes me socialize. He keeps me company. He helps.

he...

is an angel on earth. Angel who saved my life.