Chapter 5. Me

Get to know me

All this, this is me. This is not censored I'm being unforgivably myself. Showing my bright yellow sides and my dark grey parts. This is me whether you like me or not.

I like winter, I like cold, I like ice. Winter makes me feel. I like wearing big, comfy, warm clothes. I don't like my body. I don't like my arms or my hips or my legs. I do like my stomach and eyes tho. I get freckles when it's summertime.

I like skirts and big t-shirts. I like biker shorts. I like nature and plants. I am vegetarian and I support animal rights. I don't support testing with animals. That’s a no no.

I support human rights. I support female rights. I support trans rights. I support LGBTQ+. I support BlackLivesMatter movement

I like music especially old music (1800-1990). I like girl in red but not in that way, but I listen to sweater weather in that way.

I like listening to sad music when I'm down. I get anxious easily. More easily nowadays. I need my own time. I need to be alone. I am not completely/medically healthy, but I'm trying my best. I am recovering from an eating disorder.

I had a great childhood even tho I have been bullied for many years. I have met amazing people, but I have also lost many people. I needed let go of some toxic people so I could be freer, so I did.

I love my parents. We do fight like everyone does. I don't like fighting, but I do stand for my opinions and rights and for the things I support. I stand for what I support.

I like fall and rainy days. I like water and forests, crystals and moss. I like spicy food and herbs. I like cinnamon and Himalaya rose salt.

I like dark green and red and also brown and beige.

I like big sweaters. I like all the colors of the rainbow. I like rainbows. I like makeup.

I like curly hair and brown eyes.

I like clouds. I like lightning and storms. I love rain, love how it looks, and love the sound of it. I like museums, tea, art, old cheese, suit jackets and pants. I like white, black and grey and classical music. I like pianos, cellos, and violins. I like candles and romantic dinners. I like French as a language and country.

I love and hate chemistry and math. I love biology. I love painting, drawing, shading, sketching. I like cats, sharks, and jellyfishes. I like oceans and marine biology.

I like medicine and hospitals. I like how blood looks in a tube. I like how clean and white hospitals are.

I like reading. I like books. I like knowing some extra stuff. I like knowing small details and random facts about basically everything.

That gives you some kind of idea what I'm like.

I lost something. Something that I thought I wouldn't be able to live without. When I lost it it was hard to breathe. When you have lost something, that was once the reason why you lived it's hard to continue. Now you are doing it without it. You are living your life without it. Your life isn't the same anymore. Not even close. You are breathing, you are living without it. It is hard. One of the hardest things I have done.

Letting go of your past. Letting go of past life. It hurt. It still does when I remember what I would have become. I set goals and I worked hard for them and then I lost it all because of my health condition. I would have a completely different life by now if I was able to continue gymnastics. I had to find a new life, a new meaning to live.

I miss it. I miss the smell of the gymnastic floor. I miss those bladders in my arms from uneven parallel bars. I miss the feeling of landing a trick. I miss the feeling of learning, learning something new, succeeding.

I hate my body

Why do people say that they hate their bodies? I get it, it's hard to like your own skin. It's hard to like your body when you see all of these perfect models on the internet. Don't compare your body to theirs. It's easier to say than do. Comparing your body to someone else's doesn't change your body. You are born with those bones and that skin, it is not just working out or a diet what matters. It is also your DNA, your genes. Don't hate what your parents have grated.

Ask yourself what part of your body hate. Why do you hate it so much? Why isn't it enough?

I hate mine. I hate almost all of it. I hate my skinny legs. It's hard to walk. I want my thighs to touch together. They don't. They are small. And so is everything else. My hip bones are showing through. If I wear leggings or tight jeans I get comments like "you are such a skeleton". I know that. You don't have to remind me. I don't like my jest either. I don't like my arms. I don't wanna wear tops or t-shirts because my arms are so skinny. My skin is not great and I have bacne (back acne). When I rest my face I don't like my eyebrow shape. I don't like my side profile. I don't like my nose or my chin. I could keep going on with these.

I wear baggy clothes. Usually, I wear men's M size. My actual size is woman's s or xs. I don't wanna show my body. I'm insecure. I am scared. I am embarrassed.

I need time. I am learning to love my body. It's a long process. It doesn't happen in a day or month. It takes years. It's okay honey, it takes time. It takes years.

Why do I feel ugly?

There are so many pretty girls all over the internet. My classmates come to school without makeup and they look absolutely stunning. You are with yourself twenty-four seven so you have plenty of time to think about how you look and what's wrong with your looks. Comparing yourself to others doesn't change anything. Or does it?

What does it change? Maybe it drops your confidence because you always find something that's wrong with you. It's easier to think that there is something wrong with you than that there is something wrong with someone else.

What is wrong with you? Why do you feel like you need to change? Why aren't you enough? Why are you so hard on yourself? Let your skin be, let your stomach be, let your eyes be how they are.

I first say I hate myself and my body and then I'm suddenly like I love myself... You may think that I am messed up or crazy, but I have hated myself for so long that I started to love it eventually.

I love myself

This journey hasn't been the easiest. I have had my high highs and lowest lows. I have seen the bottom. I have had things inside of me which I didn't know existed in the first place. I still feel some of those things, some days. But that is part of life, that is me. This is me, and if you don't like it you are free to go, no one is holding you back, you don't have to like every single person on this earth.

When I was a kid I admired my friends. I have always thought of myself as average. I didn't think that I was that special. I didn't like my nose or my hair. I had my insecurities. When I looked in the mirror I didn't like what I saw. Then I hit puberty. I have always been smaller than everyone else. My weight has always been under average. Everyone got big buts and boobs and I felt like I was behind. I felt like I was not enough. I felt like I didn't fit in with the beauty standards. Then came an eating disorder and I lost 6kg in a few months. Hardly anyone noticed. I didn't like how I looked. I don't have control over everything, but there are things that I have control over and I tried to control the smallest things I can. One of those things was weight.

Eating was hard, I fear food, I fear fats and sweets. This has been my journey, not the easiest on top of everything else I have going on. I have been doing better. Past 17 years I have been learning. I am still learning. As we grow we learn. Life is a journey to loving ourselves and others.

What's the point of hating your body and starving yourself? You only have one body, one mind, one chance, one life. Don't waste it, but don't be too harsh on yourself, you are just a human being, you are learning. I am still learning.

My life as HSP

Let's start with what HSP stands for. It stands for 'highly sensitive person'. Basically, highly sensitive people are more sensitive than others. They tend to worry more than usual. High sensitivity can be defined as acute physical, mental, and emotional responses to external (social, environmental) or internal (intra-personal) stimuli. Some of their senses might be more sensitive than usual. Hearing, sight or some might be sensitive to how something feels, in their mouth or on skin, some might be sensitive to other people touching them.

People with HSP might have an extra hard time surviving the day. " I feel too deep".

High sensitivity can have an effect on health, happiness, and success. People with high sensitivity often have a hard time with relationships. They often might feel misunderstood because of their high sensitivity. It might seem like they are overreacting, but that's just their high sensitivity. They get emotional pretty easily like expected. HSP's often hide their feelings because they might get humiliated by others. Then they feel embarrassed and again overthinking comes.

Think about it like this: If you feel something, we feel it four times stronger than you.

HSP people often have a hard time letting go. This affects their everyday life. If something they define as bad happens, they might hold on to that for weeks. Negative thoughts are common every day, every hour.

HSP also feel physical symptoms like stomach pain or headache.

Their bad days might affect their sleep and eating. They might eat and sleep too little or too much. They also experience anxiety as assumed. HSP's are really demanding on themselves. They often push themselves too hard.

Highly sensitive people usually compare themselves to others. They also think too much and they might take long time to process some things like fights and conflicts. They worry about what others think. They also tend to take things too personally. They can have a sense of humor, but please be a little bit more careful joking around highly sensitive people. They can have their own opinions and so can you, but they sometimes don't tell their opinions if they already know that you think the other way. And that's on thinking too much again.

High sensitivity often affects hearing and sight so bright lights and loud sounds are not their best friends and neither are big groups of people. Sounds or light can affect their focusing and it can cause panic- or anxiety attacks.

Basically, that is shortly everything you should know about HSP. Take care and if you know HSP or you think someone has high sensitivity ask them if you can help in any way. It sometimes might seem like they are overreacting but that's just because of their high sensitivity. Check your lights and volume when you are with them to make them more comfortable. Loud sounds, temperature, or bright lights can cause anxiety. Of course, you can be yourself, but if I can give you a piece of advice, think about your word choices a bit more around them. Some small comments might change their whole day or week.

Who am I?

-Is a question I have been asking. A question everyone asks themselves.

I'm not a pink type of girl, but I'm not a black kind of girl either. I don't like pink glittery dresses. I wear black dresses. but I'm not that kind of a girl who wears lots of heavy eye makeup. I am not that casually, cool dressed girl who wears glasses and studies at the library after school, but I do love reading. I am not that girl who gets straight A's but I do study. I am not that cheerleader girl either. I am not that popular girl surrounded with tuns of people in school. I am mixed. mixed of little bit everything. I am not that punk-emo kind of girl but I'm not that girly girl neither. I am tough and I can keep my side but I don't wanna be mean but if you mess with me or with my friends I know how to fight. I am not in a box, I don't have one specific personality. I am sprinkled with everything.

who am I?

I am many things

I am a friend, a daughter, sister, neighbor, student.