Alone

I don't think that the time when you do are alone is the worst part of being alone, I think the worst part is the moment you realize you're becoming alone, the moment you are left behind by the one you loved and the time you spend to adapt.

The moment you began to realize you are left behind is an awful time, you try to find why, you try to find a way to save your relationship, you try to spend more time with the people you don't want to lost.

When it happens, I think the word devastating isn't enough to describe the emotions you feel, the word collapse can describe part of the phenomenon but in fact the void you feel, the real void that you really feel, not the picture the people wants to show you when you read a book, when you are left alone you really feel a void.

And then the aftermath, the fear, the disgust, the nosea, the distress, the tiredness, the sadness, all of this at the same time with the feeling of guilt of treason.

All of this can led to some of my previous chapter called "suicide".

In my life I have people who count more than my own life for me, those people who I have project with, I love them, but I know for a fact that I won't be able to partake in those project, I don't tell them because I don't want to stress them, I don't want to worry them, I want them to succeed so I keep my fear, my sadness all of my negative emotions for me and I try to send them the little bit of positivity I have. I know that this is not the best solution, I know I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life, I might even lost their friendship but if that happen, I know I won't live enough to really get hurt by it, I know I will hate myself more than I do right now, I know that even if I don't lose their friendship I might kill myself because of the regret but I don't want to suffer anymore.

I want to die and this might be the last push necessary.

Dying alone is one of my worst fear and the funny thing is that I might wait for all of friends to go oversea, to find new friends to kill myself when I know they will get support.

The worst part is, I don't know if I'm doing this right, is it the best way to do it behind their back? I don't want to hurt them, I don't want them to feel responsible.

The thing is I don't dare to speak about because I have trust issues, I don't know if they would care or if they would leave me because it would be troublesome.

I don't dare to say them this neither because it's disrespectful and horrible.

The girl I love have her own Problem, I do my best to help her, she's also a friend so I don't want to ruin anything.

I'm in a situation where my only way to escape is either leaving everything, being able to lose all my friends and starting again from the beginning or dying. In fact for me the two aren't that different, the first one implies more suffering though.