Die young

Just thinking, if you're satisfied with what you lived this far, up and down, and you feel you've achieved some important milestone while feeling you're on the verge of falling and see no hope achieving anything more, why not let it go?

I had the chance of living some truly amazing experience and I get how lucky I was. I accomplished thing that I feel I didn't deserve, and now that my life begin to slow I realize.

I realize that I tried to stay occupied and lived at full speed to blur the reality, but unfortunately when you run, you need sometime to stop to breath and this time the breath feel even more suffocating than continuing running. I don't have the energy to continue and neither do I have the people around me to help me.

I have friends but I'm not on the same continent as most of them. I think that being alone in a different country with no one to refer, alien concept and no landmark is an excellent way to get fucked up. When people tell you that you need to prepare before leaving for adventure, it's not just over the shoulder advice, you really need to be able to rely only upon yourself, if you get part of your daily confort through habit it's normal, but if this bit is like a raft that keep you from drowning in the sea around you, you're not ready to leave.

Me, I was not ready, I thought I was but I was just impetuous. I'm still young and many people would tell me that I have a whole life ahead, some of them might even really think it. But I feel that dying young is not a bad choice, at least in my case. I lived as most as I could and honestly I feel burned down. There is no fuel to help me continue.

I really feel like I'm being consumed, I feel more and more empty, I still have energy, I'm still alive but I feel like there is less in me. I really think that soon I'll feel completely drained, and at this point I'll probably end it. There are many way to end you know, when you think about it there is much that can kill us, we're fragile and you just have to think a bit to find a way to depart on your own accord in the condition you like.

I think that leaving like that is selfish, but honestly, who cares? There is nothing after (In my opinion) so why care of the aftermath? You won't be there to see it.

I just hope people forget about me quickly, that way everyone will be happier, I would have been able to burn and go as I please and other just need to continue forward and forget about me.

To be honest, the thing I think I will regret the most when ending thing is not the love, the warmth, the end of stories I began but are not finished. It's not the new technologies, it's not the future, it's nothing like that. I feel that there are 2 things that I will miss the music and the nostalgia.

I'm not going to miss them like when you feel the void inside. I will miss them in the sense that when you end things you know you won't get the chance to experience it again.

I love reminiscing about the past, the fond memories of my friends and family, I love listening to all the music that triggers feeling and stir me up. And above all, I love listening to music that I associate with fond memories. And knowing that I won't ever be able to indulge like that is a strange thing. At each moment I experience the loss of the lifetime of indulgence I won't live. It's like experiencing a part of the total loss of something you know you won't get to experience.

And the vicious circle is that all of this make you hurt, hurt even more than what you were already feeling. So you want to e'd things even more. I think that' s also a consuming feeling.

Well thank you for staying until now, reading through the ramblings of a not-that-old man.

I might get out of that dark place, I might get entirely consumed, no one knows and honestly I don't want to know. Ignorance is a bliss I want to experience at least for the next few weeks, before some important irl deadline and choice arrive. I might chose to escape everything. Some might think it's cowardice.... And it might really be, but well, goodbye