An emotion

Chelsea looks at me in horror.

The bell rings and students start to clear the hallway.

"How-" She hesitates. "I thought.... I thought you didn't remember."

"I didn't, but my heart didn't." I state."I might've forgotten all about him but my heart held on to his memories. My heart held on to the pain."

She doesn't say anything so I continue.

"I always wondered why I'd have nightmares, I always wondered why I'd suddenly feel sad, I always wondered why everytime, I feel like I carry a burden in me," I pause. "But now, I get it."

"You didn't tell me all these things." Chelsea says.

"I couldn't understand what was happening, so why would I think you could!"

"I'm your best friend. I'd have helped."

"Best friend?" I chuckle. "If you were truly my best friend, why didn't you tell me about Nathan?" I ask her and she takes a step forward.

"Summer your parents said it was best not to tell you. I wanted to, I truly did, but then I saw how you, not knowing about his death truly did help."

"Chelsea I lost someone I loved!" I shout. "I lost him, and you're telling me it was best not to tell me?!"

"It was!" She also shouts. "We all knew how much Nathan meant to you! We didn't want you to be in grief. I didn't want you to live in guilt!"

"But I still did."

"Summer-" She starts but I hold my hand up.

"I appreciate that you're tried to do what was best for me, but you guys had no right to keep it from me."

"It's not like it would have made a difference." She states.

I look at her in disbelief. "What?"

"You had already forgotten about him. It's not like reminding you would've jogged your memory. You would've just felt bad that a person died and you didn't."

I shake my head. "That's very wrong for you to say Chelsea." I begin. "It doesn't matter if I remembered or not. The fact here is that Nathan died because of me."

"You didn't kill him. She says.

"I did!" I shout. "I received those messages." I point to myself. "I ignored them and he died because of that!"

"Summer-"

"Don't." I say.

I turn to walk away but I see Jaxon standing not far from us.

Great.

I gather my confidence and walk past him.

I didn't know where I was going but I just kept on walking. I didn't know when I reached the football field and I sat on one of the bleachers high up.

Suddenly, I felt like crying. All the emotions that had built up in past years suddenly felt like pouring out.

I also felt angry.

I felt angry at my parents for keeping this from me.

I felt angry at Chelsea for acting like nothing happened.

I felt angry at myself for forgetting all about Nathan. Someone died, but I forgot.

That's what hurt me the most.

I see Jaxon walking towards me, so I quickly wiped the tears that escaped.

He sits beside me and says nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

We just sit there in silence, staring at the empty pitch in front of us.

"I'm sorry I overheard." He says after a while.

Finally! The silence was starting to kill me.

"We weren't exactly quiet." I state.

"Yeah but-"

"It's fine." I interrupt him.

"I forgot my note in my locker and-"

"Jaxon." I say and he keeps quiet.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend." He speaks up again after a while.

"Neither did I." I reply.

"It must've been hard." He says again and I give a short laugh.

"I didn't even know. I mean what type of girlfriend forgets about her boyfriend when he died?"

"You didn't mean to." He tries to reason.

"But I still did." I argue. "I killed my boyfriend but I lived like nothing happened."

"You didn't kill him." He states.

"And how sure are you about that?" I look at him and he gives me a small smile.

"Because I know it."

All over again, I felt like crying.

I wipe away the tears that escaped and Jaxon takes my hand in his.

"Don't." He says. "Don't try to hide your pain from me. If you want to let it out, then do." He caresses my hand gently. "Cry all you want." He shrugs. "I don't mind."

I sniff. "Why are you like this to me? You like me and I'm here crying over a dead boyfriend."

He chuckles and looks at my hand. "I won't lie that I'm not jealous of him. I mean, he had a chance to be loved by you." He sighs. "But you loved him. I can't ignore that fact. You have the right to grieve over him." He gives me a small smile.

The tears start to fall. My heart was aching.

He sighs and holds me in his arms. I put my head on his shoulder and cry my heart out.

He pats my shoulder and says nothing.

I don't know how long I cry, but after a while, I finally stop. I put my head up and look at his soaked shirt feeling embarrassed.

"I'm sorry for your shirt."

"It's nothing." He uses his hand to tuck my hair behind my hair. "I could easily get another shirt, it's nothing." He looks at me and smiles.

I don't say anything.

"Your boyfriend was a lucky guy you know."

"How so?" I mutter.

"He had someone like you to love him." He gives me a small smile. "I'm so jealous." He uses his hand to wipe under my eyes.

Gently and slowly.

His green eyes were intense and captivating. I don't know if it was the situation I was in, my emotions, or the fact that Jaxon was acting really kind towards me, but right here and now, I was deeply moved.

I had this emotion that I'd never felt before flowing in me because of Jaxon. I could feel it flowing through my body.

An emotion I couldn't place a name on. An emotion that had a strong force.

"Although I said you should cry whenever you want, and you should," He pauses. "It still hurt to see you cry." He sighs. "Funny right?"

"You cried and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't take the pain away." He puts his hand on my hair and pats it slowly.

"You being here is enough." I mutter.

"But I wish I could do more." He sighs and takes his hand away.

He faces the pitch and just stares at nothing while I still couldn't take my eyes off him.

I don't know why I did it or how it happened, but the next thing I knew,

I grabbed his shirt and kissed him.