Sleep

"You spent the entire night at the party that V dragged you to? And you lost your phone as well?"

"Yeah."

"And you met, what're their names again?"

"Jonathan, Strike, Michael, Andrew, and Mole."

"I think I've met Mole before. Or maybe I just heard his name…describe him again."

Fred was washing the dishes, wearing an apron that I'd never seen before.

"He has short black hair, way shorter than me, he's definitely older than me and he has that face that just tells you he's somewhat intelligent."

"Hmm…"

"Sorry, but why are you wearing an apron?"

"Mona."

"Oh."

And then he turned around covered in the glory of colorful autumn leaves and strawberries which had me uncontrollably chuckling.

"Kid. Did they give you anything that you'd…die to try again?"

"What do you mean, mommy?"

He tore the apron off him in a swift movement with a sigh.

"I mean drugs, kid. Did they get you hooked on anything?"

"No. I actually had a terrible trip…"

"On what?"

"I'm not sure. I didn't ask. I was just happy when it was over."

He sat down before me. Looking quite apprehensive.

"Did it not occur to you that you should ask?"

"Don't worry, you will be the first one to know if I have certain…urges. It's just that I wanted some relief from…"

"From what?"

He handed me a cup of water and then started massaging my shoulders.

"Don't make me talk about him again…"

"I didn't. You reached that subject on your own."

I stopped his hands and just held them with my head hung down.

"I need to make him forgive me. I just don't know how…"

"Anything is better..."

"Than nothing. I know, I know…"

He patted my shoulder and then sat back down.

"What's the plan?"

"Wait in front of his house with a bucket of green?" I smiled a sad smile.

"That would've been a good idea if you hadn't accused him of being an addict leech."

"…yeah…"

"And what if he sees you but he won't talk to you?"

"I will haunt him until he listens."

"To what? What other apologies have you written in your petty little notes?"

"Don't call them petty." I hid my face in my hands, realizing how exhausted I was.

Ah right, I haven't slept for a second.

"When a man apologizes, he has to do it in the person's face!"

"I tried! He ran away from me."

"Apologize sincerely, and then let it go. The rest is up to him."

Mona walked out of what I assumed was her room in one of her luxurious pajamas, spotting me through half-opened, half-awake eyes.

"You're here again? Do you know what time it is? It's…" She looked down at her phone, "Almost eight AM? Where do your parents think you are?"

We unanimously agreed to ignore her without saying one word to each other.

"I think I should go sleep."

"Yeah. You should. Think it through after a good sleep, kiddo."

"He should think about getting another job…"

"Mona. This young man is the reason why you can use that machine to brew your coffee right now. I think he deserves your respect rather than you nagging at him every single time."

I had one more sip of water, then walked towards the front door before tying my shoelaces.

"That's why I am saying this! If I didn't care, then I wouldn't have. It's clear that his parents aren't…"

"He has no parents!"

The room went dead silent. I looked at Mona with tired eyes and she looked like a deer in headlights after finding out that she has been scolding an orphan with silent pity.

"I'm so sorry." She quickly spurted out with now fully awake eyes.

"It's fine. I'm used to it."

I turned around before I heard her scream, "Wait, child, don't go!"

I watched her run to her room, turning to Fred, wanting to know, with my eyes, What is she doing? his nonverbal answer was a confused shrug.

"Have this." She said, handing me an enormous package filled with expensive snacks of all kinds.

"Aaa…thanks. But why?"

"You're a hardworking young boy and if no one feeds you, then you will end up scrawny and ugly looking like my brother."

"Well, excuse me!"

"In fact…" She went to the fridge this time.

"Mona, stop. He has food, I pay him. He's not a poor orphan!"

"I didn't think he was! I am just making sure he eats! He looks horrible and instead of water, you should've fed him breakfast! Didn't you just eat? Aren't you being selfish?"

"Yes, but he arrived after I ate and he said he…"

"You said he deserves more respect and you're not even feeding him. Look at him, he looks so…so sad!"

"He's sad because…" Fred bit his lip and looked into the distance, clearly giving up on stopping her

"Miss, ah, Mona. I appreciate it, but you really don't have to. I've cooked for myself for years and though I'm not great at it, it's good enough. And he really pays me a generous amount for my work and…"

"This is not about being paid, this is about staying healthy and plump!"

She wrapped a lot of food in plastic containers before simply handing them to me. If I didn't grab onto them, they would've just fallen to the floor.

"A taxi will be downstairs in five minutes, so look for it."

"...alright."

"Now go and…. take care of yourself."

"I will…thank you."

A shy, "Bye kiddo" reached my ears right before the door was slammed shut behind me and the walls muffled their loud bickering.

I went downstairs with no energy left. Hopped inside the taxi since I was too tired to walk back home. Initially, I wanted to refuse when the driver told me that the ride was being paid from the card of the person who ordered it, but I was in no position to refuse this act of kindness right now. Although it came out of pity. I let it go since Fred would set her straight, but after all, she seemed like the protective type regardless.

I fell asleep in the car for a bit until I heard the driver screaming from the front seat: "Wake up! We've arrived at the destination! And don't forget to take your stuff."

Then it happened...what had happened for the past weeks.

I'd arrive in front of someone else's house and then spend the entire time walking up to my house with an unfounded, childish hope.

The foolish dream was that Jungkook would be waiting in front of my house as if everything was forgiven.

But everything was not, since no one was there.

I unlocked the door and walked in.

No one was in the house waiting for me either.

I carefully put all the food in the fridge and opened the snack bag. Pulled out a dark chocolate bar, and a piece of some biscuit that's been wrapped as if it had gold in it.

It surprised me how good it was and then I thought how much Jungkook would've liked it as well. So I tied it back up and threw it in the fridge for later.

Hoping that we'd make up soon enough so we could eat it together while watching a movie or simply because he was high and craving sweets.

I walked into the room my grandmother and I used to sleep in and slid into the new huge futon I bought with the extra money Fred gave me after he paid back the money he owed. He had bought new stuff and most, if not all of his customers magically returned without any fuss.

"You earned it." He told me.

I bought my bed with broken bones, missing teeth, and blood from the guy I'd beaten half to death.

And it was meant for two, but the other side had always been empty.

The other pillow has never been used.

But I kept touching it as if Jungkook would just appear if I did it tenderly enough.

What helped me fall asleep was pretending that my grandmother was in the kitchen cooking something and Jungkook was taking a shower and I'd just fallen asleep before he was done.

That usually worked.

This time, it didn't.

For a second, I considered calling him again then sat back down when I remembered that I've lost my phone.

I twisted and turned as the silence was taking bites out of me while I was still alive, but too tired to scream.

I turned on the Tv that I moved back from the living room just to have any sound that was louder than my thoughts.

Half an hour later, I was still wide awake.

I started changing channel after channel, reading a boring book, and when sleep was finally overpowering my emotional pain, a romance movie started.

I turned the Tv off and leaned against the wall with my legs stretched out under the blanket, and shut my eyes.

I tried the last thing I could think of before giving up and drinking myself into oblivion.

I started imagining his eyes, the features of his face, and his thick dark brown hair. My hands caressed his cheeks and then his head. His eyes slowly closed right before I'd kiss his lips.

My hands would travel underneath his shirt and trace every line of his back and then squeeze his ass, which I would do just to push him closer into me and make him blush.

I'd hungrily start kissing his neck before taking his shirt off in a hurry since I waited for so long that whatever he was wearing pissed me off.

He'd tell me to slow down and I'd try my best. I'd suck on his nipple while sliding off his pants until they would hit the floor. He would shyly hold on to my shoulders as I'd palm his hard-on and leave bite marks all over his chest.

He'd moan out my name as I would keep pumping him faster and faster and then I'd slowly insert a finger into his backside.

He'd try to shyly push my hand away while he'd keep moaning and moaning.

Pretty soon, he'd come so hard that his knees would almost give out and I'd slowly lay him down and use the cum from my hand to prepare him more.

And that's when I started sliding my own pants down in both my imagination and reality.

He'd moan from the pleasure and the pain and he'd try to find a comfortable position while more fingers would go in and out.

"I've never done anything like…"

I'd hear him whisper which would get me to kiss him while trying to stretch him out as much as possible with my fingers.

"Does it hurt?" I'd ask after forcing four fingers in, and he'd reply, "Just a bit."

I started stroking myself in real life until I was hard as a rock. I'd keep jerking off harder than I'd search for his prostate with my long fingers in my mind.

Sweat would roll off his body from sheer pleasure. He'd moan louder than he usually does when I'd find the spot that would get his toes curling and I'd do it over and over again until he'd come again after I'd jerk him off with the other hand.

In the real world, the sounds of me beating my own meat were embarrassingly loud as my breathing increased and my mouth salivated at the image of him orgasming into my hand while I was inserting my fingers into his ass. It made me bite my lips.

Then I'd use that cum to wet my own hard-on and then stick it inside him while he'd slowly tremble under me.

It's too big… He'd whisper and then try to tell me to stay still with one hand.

So, I would but I wouldn't be able to do it for long so I'd slowly thrust it deeper and deeper while I'd plant kisses all over him.

Wait, it hurts… He'd say, but I've been wanting to do him so much that I wouldn't listen and I'd just stick in until there would be no space left inside of him. His tight muscles would wrap around my penis and it would feel like pure bliss.

Unlike the way, my hand feels around my dick right now… I pumped myself harder and harder when his face contorted from pleasure to pain as I'd start going in and out of him, unable to ever put it all in since it couldn't realistically fit.

But I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Namjoon, right there, harder... please." He'd beg with tears in his eyes as I kept drilling into him.

For a split moment though, his face got replaced with my ex-girlfriend as she kicked and screamed.

Not now.

I'd jerk him off while I'd continue to fuck him. He'd come again and again.

I'd lift his ass up and keep entering him as he'd try to take my hands off his hips, saying, "I can't take it anymore…"

"HOW LONG CAN YOU KEEP GOING, CAN'T YOU SEE I AM FUCKING BLEEDING?!"

My eyes almost snapped open when the sudden memory flashed through my mind's eyes like a car crash.

But I'd keep going and going until he'd be a mess on the floor, mixed with sweat and cum and I wouldn't have orgasmed even once.

I'd be watching his suddenly pained eyes from overstimulation and exhaustion meet mine from under me, making me feel like I should stop but my whole body would be begging me to keep fucking him.

This had my real eyes snapping open and looking down at the still-hard member that was far from reaching climax.

And there it was, her face as she looked at me, screaming: "WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!"

I wiped the tears that slid down my face without my will, pulling my pants back up over my erection before I walked over to the fridge in a hurry.

I opened it and swallowed two beers as fast as possible.

Three beers later and a wine bottle had me passed out on the cold kitchen floor with wet eyes and a hard-on that refused to die.

I dreamt that we were holding hands and talking about useless stuff by the lake, which had me smiling, but even in that dream, I could feel a deaf, never-ending ache in my chest.

I woke up the next morning because of the pain in my stomach that had me running to the bathroom to vomit most of the alcohol out.

I feel worse…

I looked around for my phone and reminded myself once again that I had lost it.

Knocking over some empty bottles that were still on the floor had made all the memories of last night hit me like a punch to the face. I got a jacket on since grey clouds covered the sky. Walked out of the house to escape the dead quiet house and the fantasy that had literally turned against me.

At first, I lied to myself when I thought I should go to the grocery store, but all I did was check to see if Jungkook was there then left without buying a thing. I walked by the place he was working, but I didn't see him so I checked by the lake next and then walked until I was in front of his building.

I sat by the intercom like a lost dog and waited.

He must have probably had a late shift at the grocery store.

This got me to ask a passerby for the time just when someone opened the gate. Which probably made me look less suspicious since I was several feet away when that person first saw me.

To my relief, the person didn't ask whether I lived there or what I was doing when I told them to wait up and then sat down on the stairs by the building's entrance.

He should be coming home soon. That was all I was thinking about as I waited while my brain kept attacking me with all possible scenarios.

His brother getting me arrested. Jungkook coming home with another guy that I will just have to murder. Jungkook, passing me by and ignoring me.

He might've moved just to rid himself of me.

No story my mind imagined ended well.

Probably an hour later the gate was unlocked, and he casually walked in wearing his uniform with an inexpressive face. That was until he spotted me.

He stopped and looked at me with parted lips. I got up as burned and was in front of him in a matter of seconds.

I started talking without thinking,

"Jungkook, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what I said and that I'm ready to do anything to make up for what…"

He sidestepped to the right, as if I wasn't even there, so I just grabbed his hand by instinct.

"Please don't go… I know I was wrong to think what I was thinking then. I will assume nothing from now on, and…"

He turned around to look at the hand that was preventing him from walking with empty reddish eyes.

Where did you get…?

"Jungkook, I am really sorry if I've offended you. It's just that I had a terrible…"

No words about my mother wanted to leave my mouth. Hence, words stopped coming out of my mouth altogether.

He continued to stare at my hand as if he would burn it with his sight if he could.

Hesitantly, I let it go.

He kept walking, going up the stairs without looking back.

I stood there with clenched teeth and closed fists. Stopping myself from following him inside. Or saying anything that I might regret. I just watched as he unlocked the door and went inside.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

Anger? Loneliness? Disappointment? Self-hatred? All of them combined with a horrible mixture of adrenaline that made me want to break the door and go after him.

But deep inside, I knew that it would only make him hate me more.

So, I retook my place on the stairs and continued to wait for Jungkook to come back until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was Saturday and even if he had no school or work, someone must've told him I was still there. And by some stroke of bad luck, if no one did, I still wouldn't move an inch unless the police would've forced me to.

No one came near me though. People kept passing me by and I even saw his brother look curiously at me before he went out. I waited and waited.

I'm hungry. I'm cold. And I probably smell. These were the thoughts that repeated themselves and changed in intensity in the following hours.

I peed in the bushes when no one was looking, then I repositioned myself on the stairs.

His brother didn't come back and Jungkook didn't leave his apartment.

Saturday flew by, but Sunday went by like a snail that an ignorant child had stepped on.

It was nighttime when it started raining.

I was glad to be washed, and I desperately drank the water that was coming straight from the clouds.

Half my worries were solved. But the hunger was slowly making me sluggish and the cold had me trembling.

My mind soon emptied itself as I got rained on for hours until I fell asleep on the stairs.

When I woke up, an old woman was touching my forehead.

"You have a fever, young man. Why are you sleeping on the ground?"

"I am waiting for someone."

She made a disapproving sound with her mouth before she told me to go home. I said I won't and then she just left. Never to return.

My clothes were still damp and my face was probably red when Jungkook went out to go to school.

He saw me and after a long time, I saw some emotions showing on his face.

"Go home." He told me and walked away.

I sat back down on the stairs and waited once again.

This time, it was a breeze. I spent the rest of the day sleeping because of the fever and the hunger that had lasted long enough for my stomach to decide that it was futile to ask for it. It was easier for my body to devour itself instead.

When I woke up, it was nighttime again and someone was shaking me.

"Hi, there." I heard the man say.

"Hi," I answered in a daze.

"You don't look so good, have some water."

He handed me a bottle, but I turned it down without a proper reason.

"I don't know what happened and Jungkook won't tell me, but you must've caught a cold. How long have you been here?"

I opened my eyes, realizing that his brother was the one who was right next to me.

"Saturday morning, I think?"

"It's Wednesday."

"That's not possible. It should've been Tuesday…" I said between coughs.

"What difference does it make? You're sick and what you're doing is not normal. Go home. Call Jungkook on the phone or talk to him at school instead…"

"I tried. He won't talk to me…"

"I am sure there's some other way, though. A healthier way."

"I am not moving."

"You don't live here. The neighbors are…"

"Call the police then. I am not leaving."

He sighed, looked down at his phone, and then at me.

He called someone and then returned.

"Won't you at least come inside and have something to eat? Did you eat anything?"

"I am not moving."

"Fine, I will just bring you a blanket then."

"Thank you, but I'm fine."

"A mirror will be more effective then! Just go home!"

"No!"

"I swear to God…"

Jungkook's brother left, but not upstairs. He drove away, which made me confused if he happened to be stopping by or if he drove here to check if I was still alive.

I drank the water he left me then hugged myself to sleep, coughing. The fever was giving me nightmares I couldn't wake up from no matter how conscious I was in the hellish dreamland.

I did not know what day it was when Jungkook walked in from the gate with a plastic bag in hand and a genuinely worried expression on his face.

"Get up."

I shook my head.

"Go home."

"No."

That short word was all I could say and despite that, seeing his face so close to me had me smiling inside.

He then tried to help me get up and I let him since I had no strength left. I was ready to oppose him if he would've made me walk in the direction of the gate, but he was helping me go up the stairs instead.

"You're burning up…" I heard him mutter under his breath.

"Where…?" I asked, but he didn't answer.

"Can you stand while I open the door?"

I nodded, uncertain if I actually could. I leaned against the wall with a smile.

"What are you so happy about?"

"You're talking… to me." I struggled to speak since my neck felt like dry, raw meat, but I enjoyed it so much that I happily embraced the pain.

He looked at the floor and then back at me again.

"You have a cold, you haven't eaten in God knows how long and you pissed yourself in your sleep. There's nothing to smile about."

"Oh, I didn't notice." But I wasn't able to stop smiling as he tried to keep me standing by my waist and I somehow collapsed only when we reached the elevator.

He squatted down after he pressed a button and seemingly pushed my hair out of my face, checking my temperature.

"What were you thinking?" He whispered and smiled a shy, sad smile as if mine was contagious.

"I will stay here until Jungkook talks to me?" I divulged my master plan with a cheeky grin.

"You're repeating yourself, you know that, right?"

"I am what?"

His face was going in and out of focus and I thought I saw tears on the edge of his eyes. The elevator doors sprung open.

"Can you stand up? You're too heavy for me to…" He said that, but he tried his best to help me up.

I didn't want to tell him he was barely any help because I was too happy to feel him touching me. We wobbled towards his door and we somehow made it inside.

I stretched my hand out to touch him, but he walked into another room and left me standing in the hallway. I slid down on the black-tiled floor.

My eyes closed on their own, but a coughing fit had me jolting awake.

"Blow your nose with this." He handed me some tissues as I saw a door open not too far away and the sound of water running reached the hallway.

"You're taking… a bath?" I asked with the throat that hurt the more I spoke.

"No, you are."

I don't remember how I ended up inside the bathroom, but I became as aware as I could be in this state. Sitting on the floor with my back against the bathtub when I felt him trying to pull the hoodie over my head.

"Can you raise your arms and keep them up, please?"

I saw nothing, but I knew he was standing in front of me, so I just hugged him.

He said nothing at first.

"You need to take a bath."

I hugged him tighter and then said: "I am sorry."

"I know, but…"

"I'm so sorry."

I could feel his heartbeat getting faster and the jolts that could only mean he started sobbing quietly.

"I know."

"I'm really sorry."

"Namjoon, you're rea…lly sick, ple…ase, just… le…t me…"

"I am sorry."

He was crying louder now.

"Namj..oon…rai..se your ar…ms, ple…ase!"

He tried to sound threatening, but it only got me to bury my face in his stomach and say it repeatedly until he let go of my hoodie and slid down to the ground with me.

"Why ..ar...e… you doing… thi...s t..o me?!"

Big round tears were sliding off his face, and snot was oozing out of his nose.

He looked…

So beautiful.

"Don't cry." Is what I said, attempting to wipe his tears away, but my hands were dirty so I only smudged dirt all over his face.

I hugged him again and after the initial shock, he hugged me back.

"You miss…ed sch…ool, the te…ache…rs are fu…rious a…nd, and eve…rybody… sa…ying th…at some…one had be…at...at... en you up or wor…se…and th..en…"

"Shh…I am sorry. Don't cry…"

"I w…as…so…worr…ied and then, you just showed up! And th…en…"

He buried his own head in my shoulder then cried and cried.

"I am sorry." That was all I could murmur over and over again.

We stood like that for a while and despite hurting all over and feeling like my chest would tear itself open from the pain, I was still smiling simply because he was near me. If he would've gotten me inside his house and beat me up or killed me himself, I thought that I would have let him do it, still smiling.

When he finally collected himself, he got up and washed his face in the sink.

"Get in the ba…th. Plea…se…the water will get co…ld."

I watched him approaching me again, slowly. And I watched him smile when he saw I had my arms up already.

He took my hoodie off and when he was fidgeting with my pants, the thought of doing it myself passed through my head. But then I looked down at his blushing face and I couldn't help but keep watching. Doing nothing else. He pulled both my pants and boxers down in one go while looking to the right.

Dirty thoughts bombarded my mind, but I found myself unable to act on any of them.

He then helped me get into the water and I almost pulled him in with me, but he slipped away.

"Just keep your head above the water."

He washed my hair and then my body as I kept kissing his neck and face any chance I got.

Even if he was in and out of focus, I could tell he was trying not to cry again.

I looked down in the water when his hands touched my private parts by mistake and then flinched. I caught his hand and raised it up from the almost black water.

I kissed every fingertip that was covered in soap, and then kissed him on the lips when I saw him staring at me with surprised eyes.

He kissed me back.

And then I blacked out for a while.

When I came to again, the water from the bathtub was gone and he was above me, calling my name.

"Wa....ke up, ple...ase…"

He was crying again.

I felt myself smiling before I embraced him all of a sudden.

I barely realized that I was naked until his clothed body covered mine.

"I should call an ambulance…" He said in passing, but I pulled him down as soon as he got up after saying that.

"No doctors. No ambulance."

"But you…passed out and…I can't…"

"No hospitals. No blood…tests."

"Why?" He innocently whispered and then I kissed his forehead and whispered back, "Drugs."

I felt him look up, but my eyes had closed on their own again and a violent cough came up without me being able to stop it.

I sat up slowly and let him cover me with towels.

It took a while, but I could finally lay down on something soft and my body was not burning after a long time.

He was trying to push something inside my mouth that tasted so horrible that it had my eyes snapping open just when I was about to fall asleep.

"It's medicine."

I swallowed everything he fed me and drank whatever concoctions he saw fit.

"Alright, go to sleep now." I felt the bed moving, and I was sure he was going to leave me alone again.

So, I just grabbed whatever he was wearing and pulled it towards me.

He fell back on the bed, and for a second, I could see his puzzled expression.

"Do you want to eat as well? Are you not warm enough? Or is it that…"

I sat up with all my remaining strength to hug him and then had the both of us land on the mattress with our heads somewhat on the pillows.

"You want me to sleep…with you?"

"Yes." was the word that had me coughing again.

"But… you're naked and…"

I used one hand to caress his hair and the other to keep him as close as possible.

"Alright, but let me turn off the lights first."

I let him go and then felt him slip under the blankets.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close.

I fell asleep in a matter of minutes and remained asleep for the next fourteen hours without having one nightmare.