The Shakes

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like a truck smashed into me repeatedly."

"Really? You look so much better though."

"That's because you gave me antibiotics, didn't you?" Some contents of the spoon spilled onto the blanket, but his eyes were glued to the window at my right.

"What made you think that?"

"Because I got better really fast and also, you gave me pills at the same time for four days."

"We have some… connections and, well, don't worry about it. Just eat. Also, don't worry about missing class either, I had them write a paper that excuses you for the past two weeks since you were, you know, sick."

"But I wasn't sick last week." I almost bit on the spoon and yet his hand kept holding it in midair.

"I figured...Where were you, by the way? You weren't looking so good then, but at least you're attending classes, and then last week, you… didn't."

The days I've spent drinking flashed through my mind, followed by the party which had me closing my eyes as if that could block everything out. All it did was give the memories a darker, better background. Then it hit me like lighting through the nervous system.

"Shit. Give me your phone!"

"Finish eating. Hey, don't get up so fast." My eyes quickly scanned from the right to the left corner of his room but to no avail ", you'll make me spill the soup."

The half-eaten bowl got abandoned on the nightstand as he reached for his back pocket only after I attacked every drawer and jacket.

"It's here." He informed me, with a small sigh.

I reached out towards it, but he immediately hid it under himself.

"Who do you want to call?"

"Fred."

"Why?"

"Because he does not know where I am and I missed all the appointments, so he's probably freaking out right about now. Give it, come on."

"Where's your phone?"

"I lost it."

"Where?"

"Ah… I don't… a…"

Any lie could have a hole I could accidentally fall into after one too many questions. So, I turned him on his belly and tickled him until he inevitably loosened his grip on the tiny device.

I grabbed it and used my weight alone to keep him under me as I punched Fred's phone number into the screen.

"Not fair…"

The back of his neck felt cold against my lips, and his ear felt slightly hotter. A high-pitched sound that I thought only women could make escaped from the depths of his neck while his hands tried to protect his ears.

"Hi, Fred? Yeah, it's me. Look, I am sorry for disappearing and all, but…"

"You camped in front of Jungkook's building without a tent for days in a row." He deadpanned, cutting me off.

Jungkook tried to slide from under me, so I playfully pinched his sides with a smile.

"How did you know?"

"You said you were going to apologize."

"Yeah, I said that but… oh, you just assumed…"

"That you don't know the limits of the human body and that you're a masochist? Yes. I assumed that much."

Fred kept cutting me off when I unconsciously massaged the back of his neck with my other hand, which reminded me of a pet that was going wild a second ago, only to go soft and compliant when the petting was hitting the right nerves.

"Kid. Come over as soon as you can."

"Alright, I will… soon. Bye."

And the pet was angry again.

"Stop massaging me like that, it hurts!"

"Huh, why? I was told that I can massage really well."

"How? You're applying too much force."

"You must be kidding me, I am not applying anything..."

The phone slid from my hand on the bed as I got on top of him properly and started massaging his back.

"Don't use any strength."

"I'm not."

"Stop, just, ahh!" When I wouldn't let him go, he started going right and left to keep his back away from my hands, which had me laughing.

"Fine, fine. At least, I tried."

"What did Fred say?" He mumbled before I got off him, preceded by a side embrace.

"Hm… he assumed that I was begging you to forgive me somehow. Maybe I've mentioned waiting in front of your place at some point, but I don't remember saying it. Anyway, he figured I did that when I stopped turning up or something just as… depressing..." My voice got quieter and quieter the more I explained.

"How could he be sure you'd do it for days?"

"He wasn't, which is why he probably sent something to check up on me. I was probably asleep."

"That's nice of him…"

"Not really, considering he didn't order the guy to leave me any goddamn food!"

"Would you have accepted any?"

"Of course not. But it's the thought that counts."

"That's exactly why he didn't."

"What would've been the point if I installed a tent in front of your place and had some barbeque while singing: 'I'm sorry, Forgive me.' every five minutes? Would you have believed me then?"

"That makes sense in a twisted way… Since we're talking about food, yours is getting cold and…"

He slipped from my hold for a moment before I pulled him right back.

"Namjoon… I have a job I need to go to!"

"Just call in sick or something."

"No. That's not how it works, besides it is a part-time job, so I will be back in four hours. Watch a movie or something."

"But I want to do something with you…" I whispered into his ear and licked it as I pressed my hand against his chest, feeling his heart drumming against it.

"I need to… don't…"

"Hold still."

"You're still sick!"

His nipple hardened against my fingertips, his neck was turning red and wet as his breathing got more and more frantic.

"But you aren't."

Got inside his pants with ease, as his eyes shut and his cheeks flushed a bright shade of pink, slowly transitioning into red.

"My brother…"

"Not home and you locked both doors."

"I will be late…"

"They'll forgive you."

Finally, my lips against his lips. But it felt so good I had to pull the pants down to his knees.

"Namjoon!"

"You complain about the way I massage, but you said nothing about how I massage you down there."

He was already half-erect when I touched it, so I jerked it into full hardness.

"How come you're being shyer than usual?" I asked between kisses, as his pre-cum was wetting my hand.

"That's because…" He covered my hand in a poor attempt at making my hand move slower.

"So soon? I don't think it's been a full minute…" I smiled and bit against the nape of his neck.

"I am… I…" Gazing at the mark I left with pride, I picked up the speed even with his hand still above mine. It was almost like he was helping me jerk him off.

His eyes fixated on the ceiling as his hand went limp when he orgasmed so strongly that I was a bit taken aback by the quantity of liquid left on my hand.

"Wow, this is a record even for you."

"Shut… up."

"You're too cute."

"Shut up."

He turned on his belly to hide while I wiped my hands with some tissues and simply watched him steeping in adorable embarrassment.

"Now really, were you this shy before? Did I do something or what? I mean, it's cute and all, but I don't think I ever saw your ears this red before."The more I watched him trying to pull his pants up from an unfavorable position and failing, the harder I got.

"Jungkook…" I whispered.

He visibly flinched with his pants still not covering his whole ass.

I sensed something was wrong, but I was enjoying all these reactions to the sick point that had me ready to tie him up and make him squirm mercilessly.

So, I grabbed onto his bare ass and inserted my tongue inside his ear at the same time.

He wasted no time and jumped off the bed, but I caught his neck in midair and had him with his back on the mattress, face under my face, and dick still unclothed on the edge of the bed.

He couldn't look me in the eye.

"What's wrong?"

The shifting eyes and almost entirely red face had me slightly worried."You always come fast. Are you really that ashamed about it now?"

"Not really…"

"Then what's wrong?"

"You did it so fast suddenly and I was not ready to…"

"Cum in a matter of seconds?"

Eyes shut, he admitted, "Yeah, that."

"Jungkook, you liked it, so it's normal that you…"

"I'm late for work. Really, I will get scolded and…"

"I'm not letting you go until you tell me why you're blushing so hard. Did you catch my cold?"

"No, I'm just… I will tell you when I get back."A quick glance and I caught him trying to pull his pants up for the second time that day.

"You tell me now or I will do something to you that won't end with you only blushing."Eyes refused to stand still, but the voice was strangely slow and deep,

"Fine. I am…"

"You are?"

"Sober."

"Sober?"

It clicked like a circle inside another circle. The crystal-clear white of his eyes and the new nervous, yet energetic mannerisms I'd never witnessed before coupled with the reactions he had to every physical thing and clear lapses of judgment were all because of the anxiety that the weed used to drown out.

"Yes."

"That can't be. Your eyes were red a few days, well, a week ago? I think. I'm losing track of time in this house…"

"Yeah, I got a friend to buy me from his dealer once, but then he said he won't go buy anymore since he was afraid someone would see him, so…"

"You've been sobering up since you couldn't get the number for his dealer?" He nodded. "Do you want me to go…"

"No. Yes… No… I just want a dealer. Another… dealer."

"There's no point in meeting someone else if you've got me."I leaned against the wall and allowed him to collect himself properly.

"I know, but I still want… someone else."

"You need to pay on time."

"I know."

"And they might lie and give you less for more cash."

"I know." He was getting his uniform from the closet as I was speaking.

"Fred wouldn't do that, but some of his guys do it anyway since most of them consider all new buyers to be newbies, regardless if they're not. Unless they look like they're near...death."

"I know." He was stuffing it into his already full backpack.

"He can't check on everyone all the time."

"Of course not."

"And someone might try to hurt you since you are so… frail and… cute."

I could see him getting flustered again.

But I want to see more of sober Jungkook. He's so different from how he is when he's high. Fuck, I've wasted three days and didn't even touch him once. Damn that fever…

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah?"

"Eat your soup, take this pill afterward, and watch some Tv. I will be back before you know it and… Why are you getting up?"

"To lock the front door."

"Obviously…"

He makes himself appear smaller and gets all red every time there is the slight possibility that I might get too close and touch him. Ah, I don't want him to smoke again. No. I won't let him. I will keep him sober for as long as possible and then, maybe, have Fred give him the green. That's the only person I trust to go anywhere near him. But that can also get ugly really fast.

"If you want to eat something else, check the fridge, and if my brother comes over…"

"Hide."

A small smile almost graced his lips, yet died halfway.

"No… Tell him you're sleeping over since your house is under renovation."

"Ah, I forgot."He ignored my antics and quickly slid his shoes on, and got up too fast to notice I was right in front of him.

"What?"I crossed my arms and leaned against the front door.

"Kiss me goodbye." I blurted out as he took a step back.

"Huh? Now? I…."A chuckle escaped before the space between us reached zero millimeters. With one arm on each side of his face and our lips glued together in the next second.

I slid my tongue inside his mouth without hesitation but received no reaction as I filled every crevice and desperately demanded his tongue to dance with mine. It slowly did.

The kiss deepened and our bodies got closer and closer until I had one arm in his hair and the other around his waist.

When I pulled back since I wasn't able to breathe anymore, I spotted the string of saliva connecting us and eyes that were so unfocused that they communicated everything I wanted to know.

"You got hard again, didn't you?" I could tell exactly when he regained awareness of reality as it flooded his features with panicked embarrassment.

"No, I…"

"Let me check…" I playfully threatened him, which had him running around me and getting stuck when he tried to find the keys in his jacket to unlock the door.

I simply glued myself to his back like a personal, skydiving instructor.

Why are you like this when you're sober?

That was all I could think of before I caressed his hard-on through the jeans and used the same hand to push his backside into my erection.

I want to do you so badly… The smell of his hair was distracting enough to mute the sound of the key making contact with the keyhole, it turning, which left me bewildered when the body that was so close vanished a second later.

Barefoot, in front of the open door, unable to comprehend how I've let him escape.

I locked it with the key he left behind and sighed when I turned around and faced the empty house.

Four hours left.

The soup was not enough, so I ate some snacks he had in the cupboards as well, flipping the channels lazily after I took my pill. After two hours, I was ordering myself a basic phone and a burner. I filled in the shipping address with Fred's address.

I'm sure he won't mind if he pays for it. He'll deduct the money from my pay, though I haven't earned him a penny in more than a week and I probably won't for the rest of this one so…? I'll call it a present?

I clicked send.

And checked the time.

Two hours left.

I sneaked a glance inside his internet history and found nothing of interest.

Thought this was probably my last chance to snoop thoroughly around his laptop, but I stopped myself from invading his privacy further and focused on the Tv instead.

Half an hour later, I was taking a shower and used that as an excuse for myself to peek through his closet.

What is this? Why is it locked? The tiny box tinkled a bit when I shook it.

And then… I smelt it.

Weed? But it's like the smell that got ingrained it in. Hm… this is where he probably hides it, huh.

Tried on some clothes, but they were too small so I flew to his brother's room and randomly grabbed some black clothes.

Threw them on Jungkook's bed while I considered what expression he'll make if he found me completely naked on his bed.

Naahh.

Settled on having clothes only from the waist down and took a nap before I heard the doorbell.

I did what any good dealer would do out of habit, which was to look through the peephole first, only to see Jungkook alongside his brother.

That had me running to his room, squeezing through his brother's shirt, and only after unlocking the front door like it was nothing.

I awkwardly exchanged greetings with his brother while Jungkook walked in without looking at any of us.

"You two made up, I suppose?"

"What?" Jungkook dropped an onion, swiftly turning around with wide eyes.

"Yeah. Friends fight sometimes too." I quickly gave air to his lungs.

"Hmm… I am Jung, by the way."

"Namjoon."

"Namjoon, I am sure you have a valid reason for wearing my clothes, even so, humor me."

"My house is…" My brain ran a million miles an hour and yet Jungkook's voice when he said what I should've said in this situation got cut off by the image of his soft lips which didn't help. I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before it hit me. "Under long, horrible… ah… renovations." I faked frustration and walked as far away from him as I could.

"So, you crashed at our place after you refused to leave the front of our building and brought no clothes with you, either?"

"Well… yeah."

We simply stared at each other for a few seconds.

Scratched the back of my head and walked towards Jungkook, who was still taking groceries out of plastic bags.

"What did you buy?"

"Vegetables, pasta, and some meat. Jung is a decent cook. He said he'll make us something."

"That'd be great. You're not that good at it."

"What do you mean?! You said you liked it!"

"I said it was edible."

He pouted. I smiled.

"Cook it yourself then."

"I would have, but you said…"

"Jungkook." I almost forgot his brother was also in the room until his sharp voice overpowered ours, not in volume as much as it did in tone. "Can I talk with you alone for a second?"

"Yes. Namjoon? Put the rest in the fridge?"

"No problem."

They went inside his brothers' room and the door swung shut behind them.

It took a while to figure out the place for every little thing, but after I finished, I ended up sitting down, getting swallowed and spit in the face by the silence.

I can't hear a thing…

A few torturous minutes later and the door revealed the two brothers.

Despite Jungkook being sober and far more expressive than I thought he could possibly be, there was nothing on his face that betrayed any emotion.

"Dinner will be over soon. I will call on you when it's over."

"Thanks for cooking."

"Yeah, thanks." I faked a joyous tone while following Jungkook.

"My pleasure."

The sound of the door closing was my signal to talk,

"What the hell did you two talk about?" I asked as quietly as I could, but with a hint of desperation in my delivery after I plummeted into his comfortable bed.

"Not much. He just wanted to confirm that we were only… friends."

"Huh? Why?"

"He thought it was weird that you waited for me outside for days and almost died, of course… and he thought you were looking at me in a… weird way."

"Weird, how?"

"I don't know, like… intense, it doesn't matter, but stop doing it."

"Ah, too much of a hassle. Just tell him the truth."

"Do you really want me to? I mean, he probably won't tell our parents, but he won't let me sleep over at your house anymore or actually… I don't know if he'd even be fine with it at all..."

"I take it back. He's never home anyway. It's better if he's oblivious."

"And he asked me to ask you how much longer you're staying?"

"What do you mean?"

"How long until your house renovations are over? Since he's going back to his girlfriend soon, so, he has to pack some of his clothes since he's going on a vacation."

I twisted my neck to stare at him accusatorily, as he down on the edge of the bed.

"I am going to stay, hmm, let me see, probably…. forever."

"Huh?"

"Jungkook, did you forget that there are no house renovations?" I almost glued my mouth to his ear to make sure that his brother couldn't possibly hear.

"No. I mean, what do we tell him… If they supposedly started a week ago, then how long is an appropriate time?" Now that I was closer, he no longer looked at my face, but at his own hands. Fidgeting with his shirt.

"Until he goes on that vacation, you can come over to my place right after."

"Oh, ok."

"Jungkook?" I tried to regain his focus, as he seemed lost within himself.

"How was work?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Jungkook…" I urged him to keep going and to my surprise, it worked.

"But a lot of people came in today, it was only me on this shift, so I kind of… hated it."

The more I observed, the more I concluded this boy was currently anxiety-ridden and dangerously close to another panic attack.

Constantly catching his breath, hands that wouldn't stay still, legs that were slightly shaking and the very air that was floating around him screamed, 'I can't calm down.'

I rested my hand on his own, which had him turning into a statue from the shock alone.

I barely kissed the side of his cheek before whispering, "After your brother leaves, you can get your stuff from Fred, if you want."He didn't say a word, instead, he nodded and bit his lip.

"But until then…" I grabbed his head and pushed him flat on the bed and collided our lips and then our tongues until I ran out of breath and he could finally complain," Stop it… my brother might hear."

"He won't if you don't make a sound."I was leaning down for a second kiss when we both heard a knock on the door that had both of us frozen in place.

"Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes!"

"Okay!" He screamed with a strained voice and when we heard his brother open the fridge, it was the same moment we resumed breathing.

"He's a fast cook."

"He's probably making spaghetti or fried chicken. He's tired from work."I leaned against the wall behind the bed and turned on the Tv, pretending to watch it. What I was actually doing was spying on Jungkook as he was fixing his clothes on the edge of the bed.

I doubt he's not suspecting anything if he asked about the nature of our relationship, but it's better to keep that assumption to myself for now.

He started searching for clothes, moving the box out of the way. Another subject I decided I shouldn't bring up when he headed for the door with the folded clothes in his hands.

"Where are you going?"

"To change… in the bathroom."

Why? is what I wanted to ask, but I remembered his brother was home and didn't press him on it.

But why wouldn't it be okay to change when I am here, though? We're both guys. Actually, isn't it even more suspicious that he's not changing in my presence? So, why isn't he doing that? Or does he not realize that's what normal guys do?

He returned a few minutes later and got some notebooks out of his backpack. Carefully placed them on his desk, which got me wondering if he wanted to do his homework after we ate.

That's weird. What the hell? He never does his… Is he avoiding me? Did he change in the bathroom, not because of his brother, but because he didn't want to be naked in front of me? Am I the one who's making him nervous?

"Dinner's ready!"

"Coming!"We exchanged a look without thinking about it.

"What?"I realized my mouth was hanging open only after I muttered nothing with unblinking eyes and turned the Tv off.

We were eating in unbearable silence as I sensed Jungkook's brother's eyes watching every move I made.

"Great sauce. What makes it taste so different? Fresh tomatoes?" I tried, but while I was talking, both he and I knew I didn't really care for the answer.

Regardless, I got my answer:

"No. Fresh basil."

"It's good."

"Thanks."

Jungkook washed the dishes, and I dried them up. Again, in complete silence, even if Jung had already said goodnight and was probably in bed by now.

He was the one to lock the door with the key when I sat down in his bed, yet he sat down at the desk and opened his books without saying another word.

I turned on the Tv and opened a novel I've found hours ago at the same time. Couldn't bring myself to pay attention to either.

I held myself back from saying or doing anything until it bored me out of my mind, and I felt a visceral need to be closer to him while he was just a few steps away. The tug and pull that went inside my chest had me kicking the blanket like a stupid child.

"Jungkook, come here," I demanded, without looking his way.

"I'm not finished. You go to sleep first."

"Jungkook. Come." When I acknowledged the fact that he wasn't moving, I added, "Please."He got up and walked towards the bed, but didn't sit down.

"Did I do something you didn't like?"

"No… why?"

"You're avoiding me."

"I am not, I am only doing homework."

"Then why won't you come any closer?"

"I told you, I am doing…"

"Homework, I heard you the first time. I wasn't talking only about now."

He arched a defensive eyebrow so, I just mumbled: "Whatever, how much longer until you're done?"

"I don't know, but I am not done yet."

"I will help you do it tomorrow morning. How about that?"

"It's fine, I'd rather do it by myself."He deemed the conversation over. Sitting back down in his chair.

What did I do? Did I do anything? Isn't it because he's sober? Is he having withdrawals again? Nah, he said he's been sobering up for weeks now, so what's wrong? Is it because I touched his ass? Does he think I am expecting him to lose his virginity with his brother in the next room? Is that why? But he was like this earlier today as well…No, there's nothing wrong. He always pushed me away but this time, it feels somehow, much... different.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I couldn't figure it out on my own, so I squatted by his side, gazing at his obvious discomfort with controlled worry.

"Did I do anything wrong? I won't do it again if you tell me…"

"I told you there's nothing wrong!" The contained scream had me tilting my head.

"Jungkook…"

"What?!" The angry tone couldn't mask the same panicked eyes he had earlier today.

"Is it because you're sober?"

"What… is…" He instantly dissolved, and all irritation fizzled out like a pill in a glass of water.

"This introversion and restlessness. Is it because you're no longer high?"

"Yeah… I'm a bit more anxious than usual…"

This is only a bit for you? I bit my tongue on purpose when his legs started shaking.

He continued, "Am I freaking you out?"

A glint of shame colored his features, which had me clasping his hands.

"I think… I think you're adorable, but you don't feel well, do you?"

"Not really…"

"Answer me honestly, are you like this around everybody else or just around me?"

"I can avoid everyone else and I don't have to talk much with anyone, anyway... but it's not that I want to run away from you. You see, everything feels so… intense and sudden, and when you get too close, I get a bit scared…."

"Why?"

"I… don't know."

"You're scared that I will do something that hurts you?"

"No! No…"

"What is it then?" I smiled as I hugged him, somewhat certain that he wasn't able to relax entirely. Either way, he stood still and buried his face in my shoulder.

Determined to let him take his time, left me enjoying his presence when I heard him say:

"I like… you."My heart was banging its imaginary head against my chest and I almost got embarrassed as if the could hear it if it banged against my ribs even a little bit louder.

"So… when you do things to me… like, you know, dirty things I can't… help it, but… I don't know… it's like…"

"You want to keep doing it?"

"Keep doing?... I mean… I don't want you to stop unless when it hurts… but I don't know what to do when it doesn't and I can't do anything because I can't move…"

"Well, I do like holding you still…"

"It's not that. I just… freeze and then I feel bad because I couldn't do anything for you and I can't do anything because I'm scared since I never…"

Shaking in my arms, it tempted me to examine his expression, but I didn't want to let him see me smiling from ear to ear either.

"You don't have to do anything."

"But, I should…"

"Breathe, moan, and orgasm…"

I could feel him tensing up at my words, which made me smile so hard that my entire face hurt. When the silence was going on for too long, I resumed talking, "Watching you and causing you pleasure is enough. I will try to stop when you say it hurts. Well, unless it should."He gasped for air and I could tell he wanted to say something, yet didn't.

"And about me, well, it takes too long for me to cum, anyway."

"Stop… talking about it like… that."I finally let go and watched his blushing face with a smile that I wasn't able to erase.

Ah, god fucking… damn it all to hell…

I leaned closer and whispered in his ear while I held onto his shoulders, "The only thing you can do is to let me put it… inside of you." His eyes got wide, attentive even, and his breathing slapped my skin when he exhaled. I continued, "I will be patient until I am sure you want me to be inside you as well, so you have nothing to worry about. Yet." I placed a peck on his burning ear, got up, patted his head, turned the Tv off, and covered myself with the blankets with an undying, satisfied smile plastered all over my face.

Sleep embraced me after a while, but I didn't hear him move an inch the entire time I was awake.

In my dream, I had to go back to class and everyone thought I had killed someone while I was away. I couldn't blame them since I was covered in blood, but I didn't care what they were saying about me. All I cared about was what Jungkook thought, still, I couldn't find him anywhere. When I finally got to the door to the roof, I heard someone shouting: "Jungkook wake up! I have to go! Wake up!"

"What the fuc…!" A hand was covering my mouth, which made my eyes open in surprise.

This is Jungkook's ceiling, right?

"I am up!"

"I left breakfast on the table!"

"Thank you!"

"Bye!"

"Bye…"

A few seconds later, the door got slammed shut, and my mouth was free again.

The alarm went off, but he quickly turned it off before he attempted to leave the bed. But I simply caught him, pulled him back, and cuddled him from the side.

"Good morning."

"Morning…" He whispered.

"What time is it?"

"Six forty? Seven?"

"Hmm…" I continued to hold him with my eyes closed.

"We need to shower and eat." He stated after he cleared his throat. I buried my face in his neck, and the vibrations of his voice when he talked felt almost ticklish."I've finished my homework yesterday, so we can take some of your stuff and clothes before going to school."

"Let's just stay in bed."

"But…"

"You got me an absence sheet thing and you haven't skipped in a while. Let's stay together… at least today."'

Before you get high again.

I almost fell asleep when he tried to push my hands away.

"What?"

"I need to go to the bathroom."

I sighed and watched him leave.

He somehow managed to escape again.

It was that exact moment when how much time I had spent alone in the past couple of days dawned on me. Sure, he had school, and work. On top of that, he only interacted with me between naps to feed and medicate me. So, it made sense that he didn't sleep in the same bed when I was sick. But even so, I couldn't remember one instance of seeing him change or use the desk either, if anything….

Maybe he didn't really forgive me? But he said he liked me back, so…

When I opened my eyes next, the bed was still empty. No. The whole room was vacant. The phone was still on the nightstand as if he had never returned.

It's ten already?

I found him studying in the kitchen with a full, untouched chocolate bar collecting dust on top of a notebook.

My lips parted, but no words came out.

"You're awake?" He asked without looking.

"Yeah." I quickly went to the fridge, opened it, and stared at it without seeing a thing.

I can get him green in a heartbeat, but won't he have to be sober at the end of the year, for exams? Will I have to go through four months of… Turned around and looked at the boy that positioned himself in such a way that it seemed like he was so busy, but the almost empty page said otherwise, ...this? I mean, I can force myself on him… but that idea is still making me feel, somewhat… alone. Like there's a wall between us that I can't break. Is weed really that effective on him? Is that how he was able to look me in the eye? Ever?

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah?"

"Close it."

"What?"

The sound of the fridge's beeping reached my ears at last. I thought he'd ask why I was staring at him, saying nothing, but when I turned back around with no prepared excuse, I saw him back in the same position that was meant to keep me at bay.

I know it's not his fault, and it's not mine either, but why, does it hurt so much? I don't know what to do… Help me Jungkook. Besides weed, what can I do?

"Let's go see a movie."

"Huh?"

"Or take a walk in the park, or around the block."

"Why?"

"Why not?" I tried to keep my tone casual, but I was screaming inside.

"I mean, I don't have a reason, but if you want to go out, shouldn't we go to school instead?"

"Nah. What would you like to do?"

"Me? I…" His gaze wasn't stable again, his fingers started playing with the pen unconsciously.

"Are you craving anything? Or we can just go to karaoke and sing our heads off. I am throwing ideas at you. Do you want to go anywhere in particular?"

"I don't… think so. I want to… maybe, I think we should keep hanging out… here."

I collapsed on the chair in front of him and smiled as warmly as I could.

"Alright. Do you want to do anything?"

"I should… study."

"Do you want to do it together?"

"Ye..s…"

His forced smile made me forget to censor my words, which had me blurting out what I thought without thinking,

"You don't want to be in the same room with me, do you?"

"What?" He immediately looked up. And if he was on the defensive passively, now he was actively chasing after me when I stormed into his bedroom to search for my clothes.

"I said I want to study with you! I am only anxious for no reason, it has nothing to do with… what are you doing? Stop."

He grabbed my clothes first since he knew where they were in the first place, and held them against his chest. I allowed him to and took my shirt off instead. I took advantage of the second he looked away and snatched my clothes right out of his hands.

"Namjoon, I am sorry if I've made you upset. I didn't mean…"

"Relax, I am just going to go get your weed."

"What? Why now? And I said I want another…"

"Then dress up and come with me. Fred will love to see you again."

Jungkook, I know you are unaware, but your eyes lit up.

Plain to see in bright daylight, it was all over his face. The desire to get his fix at war with having to go outside and straight into a dealer's place.

I took my pants off.

He turned around as he had never seen me naked.

I sighed and picked something out of his closet.

A muffled screech escaped when I lifted his shirt up from behind. It surprised me when he actually pulled it back down in response."You want to go out like that?"I pointed to his striped pajamas with a dry grin.

"Oh… I… no…"

You thought I was about to do something else, didn't you? Ah, how did I forget? This is how you were when we were children as well. Why did I ever think you've changed? You fooled me. This type of behavior made me want to beat up everyone, so they wouldn't lay a finger on you. But now… that I have your permission, I can touch you. Can't I?

Jaw clenched and hands rigid, I undressed him with harsh movements. This time, he let me, looking clearly ashamed.

I kissed him when he was too busy avoiding my stare.

Jungkook. This is you. I'm finally seeing you again. And I missed you so much.

I picked him up and dropped him on the bed.

The panicked eyes and messy hair quietly asked questions his mouth wouldn't voice.

So damn much.

I kissed him again and then continued to lay on top of him. With his bare chest against mine, in a tight, non-sexual embrace.

"Namjoon?"

My eyes shut on their own."Please… stay still...like this, just for a little while."Silence followed and then a shy, "...okay."

But I suddenly felt like crying when he started shaking.