Love is a gamble where heart is at stake

*beep beep*

I woke up late again this morning. I put the alarm off and got out of the bed leaving behind my beautiful sleep. Today makes the third year of my heartbreak anniversary.

I washed my face and sat on the commode. I thought about the day when John told me about his sexuality. I remember after our confrontation, I remained silent throughout the evening. I didn't speak a word neither to the guests nor to John. He didn't speak a word to me either.

That night I returned to my room early and locked the door from inside. The mirror in my room showed me that no matter how much makeup I put on my wounded heart, the scars can never be concealed. Tears started dripping out from my eyes. A stabbing pain occurred to my heart. As if thousands knives were piercing through it. The pillow and the walls of my room were the witnesses to my muffled cries. I pulled open the locked cabinet on the side table. A green box covered with floral designs laid over there. I lifted the box out from the cabinet and opened it. Many letters and a childhood photograph of me and John was lying there. I opened those letters one by one while crying my heart out in my room.

When I first found out my feelings for him, I decided to express them on papers. I never send these letters to him as I planned to show them after his 18th birthday. In all those letters, I wrote how he looked in the eyes of his lover. How beautiful my day would become whenever he smiled. What he said and what he ate, what he wore everything were written on these letters. I felt so stupid to think that I was ready for rejection. I cried when I thought over and over again about the consequences if I had told him earlier.

But I can't change the fact that he is into men. No matter how sooner I had told him about these budding feelings, the results would have been the same. The rejection was predestined. One thing that hurts the most is that I never got the chance to tell him about my feelings.

I wiped away my tears and put the letters inside the box. I placed it somewhere far in the cabinet. The closing of the box resembled the closing of my doors for the love I never got to take a gamble. I decided that if I can't be the one standing beside him at the altar, I would definitely be the one standing behind him supporting his choices. That's what bestfriends do right?

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Year 2021

I had woken up late again this morning. I freshened up myself that is I got up from the toilet seat and stopped myself from reminiscing the past. I threw my pajamas and I changed into jeans and shirt. I tied my hair and put on light makeup.

"Late again?" John stood there leaning against the door stand of my room.

I glared at him.

"You should have waken me up rather than taunting again"

"That's not my job. I am only entitled to cook for you. And as for that I have made you breakfast, so eat before you leave."

"Fine Mamma Hen. Now get lost and let me get ready."

"Roger"

I laughed at his cheekiness as he went to the kitchen.

Did I forget to tell you, that I and John are currently living together? Yes, it happened that way. When we both enrolled in the same college, our sweet parents decided to kick us out from our home and rented a house for both of us to live in. Their excuse were simple-

"You guys have grown up and now you should start living on your own. Of course allowances will be provided to each on monthly basis but purchases exceeding budget will be payed from your own pockets. It's time for you both to learn to live on your own."

These were the very words of our lovable parents. They have no idea of John being gay nor about my feelings for him. It's better that way. Unrequited love is better than losing a friend.

I came out of my room and pulled out a chair to sit. John had prepared egg and bacon congee and breadsticks. Thanks to him I can have breakfast everyday or else I would have been relying to take outs.

"Will you return to our hometown together today?" John emerged from the kitchen and stood in front of me.

I nodded my head in agreement.

"Then you better return straight back to our home after classes. Do not dillydally or else I will go without you."

His unintentional remarks such as 'Us' or 'Our Home' makes my heart skip a beat even now. I smiled thinking how it is 'Our Home' and it's just me and him in our little world. Even if it is only for a moment, I feel happy. Genuinely happy. To watch him in front of me smiling, laughing, working, studying, gives me happiness. Even if I can't hold him but seeing him so carefree increases my love for him.

*click*

"Ouch!" I touched my forehead where I could feel a burning sensation. This damn brat flicked his finger on my forehead.

"Why were you absentminded? Who were you thinking of while smiling like a donkey?" John rebuked.

"None of your business duffer! Anyways, don't you have classes today?"

"Nope. Got cancelled last minute."

"Perks of being in sports major." John had taken up sports major as he decided to be an athlete. He thinks it's better to work on the skills which he already has rather than studying business. Also because he is bad in mathematics.

"Not for a geek like you though. I still wonder why you had taken up Literature as your major." He mumbled.

I took up Literature as I had already mentioned that the only way to open up myself were through pen and paper.

"Thanks to you, I guess" I said this in a lower voice.

"Huh? Me?" John enquired.

"Nothing. I am going for my classes and your present is inside my room. I hope you like it and Happy Birthday Idiot."

"Wait- tell me the exact location at least. Where did you put my present though?"

"Search Yourself. I am off. Bye."

It is his birthday today. It was this day when he told me that he is off limits. It was today when I learned that no matter how hard I try, he won't look at me with those love filled eyes. It was today when I understood that it was my wishful thinking that I knew him better than anyone else. Living with him under the same roof is itself a blessing and now I don't want to think about the life without him. I know this is not going to stay forever but I want to hold onto these fleeting moments closer to my heart. I want to pour out my heart for him even under the tag of friendship. I just wish he finds a person who loves him even more than me. I am happy to stay beside him like a best friend, at least it's better to stay in his memories in this way rather being the one whom he hates forever.