08 • When I Loved You

08 • When I Loved You

Spencer went home the next day. I tried not to look upset. He kissed my head, holding me close as we stood in front of his car. I told him to be safe, tell the guys I said hi, don't forget to eat and call me after practice.

I watched him drive away, and as always, take half of my heart with him. Then I turned to the girl who held the rest of my heart as she pulled me into the house, to a marathon of Stranger Things.

Now, it was Friday again. The week had passed by in a blur. Mama had called to let me know she'd be staying two more weeks. I'd called Spencer fifteen times since he left and texted him constantly.

I sighed, plopping down on the grass. "You'll dirty your pants, idiot" I stared up at Sunny, my hand shielding my eyes from the sun.

Goddess, she was ethereal. She'd taken off her hijab and her dirty blonde hair swayed in the gentle breeze. I shrugged "don't care" I replied.

She rolled her eyes "you're such a troll" she said, sitting down next to me, after throwing her jacket down. I grinned at her "I know."

"Remember when we found this hill?" Sunny asked. She wasn't looking at me, which meant I could stare at her. I did that often.

"Yeah, I remember" how could I forget? She pulled her glasses from her face, laying down next to me, using my outstretched arm as a pillow.

I ran my fingers through her hair gently. She was looking at the view and I was looking at her "it's still so beautiful" she said "yeah" I replied, still looking at her.

Not for the first time, I wondered what it'd be like to kiss her. I could do it. She was right here. I shook my head. No, I couldn't.

I wanted to though. I always wanted to. The sun warmed my face while the girl next to me warmed my heart.

"I wonder if I'll ever get married" she said. "Of course you will" she shook her head, sitting up.

"I don't think so. I mean, I just don't believe in love. And even if I did, I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't think there's anyone out there who could keep up with what I want" I laughed then.

I laughed because she was right. No one would ever be able to keep up with her. How do you keep up with the sun? You don't. You just, burn.

I tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear "trust me Sunny, there is someone out there who'll love you no matter what" and I meant it.

She grinned at me before laying back down. I love you, no matter what. Is what I didn't say. Is what I couldn't say.

"So what movie are we watching tomorrow?" She'd asked. I shrugged "Nadia said something about you two going to watch Frozen 2" I replied.

Sunny sat up, her brow creased in confusion "us two?" I nodded "hmmm. I'm not going, remember" I replied.

"What! Why?" She looked upset "it's Viv's Dad's wedding. I have to drive down to Hachette today and I'll only be back Sunday" I watched my best friend's face go from upset to blatantly pissed off in .2 seconds.

She stood up, "so now Vivienne is more important than Nadia and I?" I sighed, sitting up "you know that's not true" I said calmly.

"Well clearly it is. Five years worth of Saturdays, Moonlight. You have never missed one Saturday and suddenly Vivienne shows up and you're ready to break our tradition?" Her lips curled into a snarl when she said Vivienne's name.

"I am not breaking tradition, Sunny. It's one Saturday. Viv needs me" wrong thing to say "she needs you? She couldn't get anyone else to go to her Dad's wedding with her? She needs you? And what about Nadia and I?" I rubbed my face in frustration.

"You're not being fair, Sunny" I said "no, Zayleigh. I am tired of you putting Vivienne above us. What, is she your new best friend now? Replacing me so easily?" I flinched when she said my name.

She took her jacket and bag "Sunny, stop it. You know I'm not replacing you. I promised Viv I'd be there" I stood up, dusting myself off. "So go be there. I hope it's worth breaking the promise you made to Nadia and I" and then she walked away.

"Sunny, come on. Sunny, stop it" I called after her, even though I knew it was no use. When she's angry nothing gets through to her. "Saahirah, stop it!" She paused. I sighed.

"You're not being reasonable and you know it" she turned to me "fuck off" and then she kept walking. I sighed, sitting back down.

I stared at the view of Ravenswood. How could I forget when we found this hill? I laid down, closing my eyes.

-FLASHBACK-

"Sunshine! Slow down! Saahirah!" I called, running after her. She laughed, looking back at me "come on, Moon! You're so slow!"

Goddess, even at ten she was so fucking beautiful.

"I'm coming, I'm coming" I tripped on a tree branch, flying into Sunny. We both tumbled, laughing as we fell.

I grabbed onto her, flipping us before we landed "oof!" I groaned "ohmygod, Moonlight, are you okay?" Sunny sat up "I'm okay, Sunny" I laughed.

"Thanks for breaking my fall" she kissed my cheek. I felt myself turn red.

She stood up and I did the same. We dusted ourselves off. "Come on, let's climb that hill" so we climbed the hill.

Sunny gasped when we got to the top "it's beautiful!" She grinned. I nodded, it was beautiful.

We sat down. Her eyes stared down at Ravenswood and my eyes stayed on her.

As I looked over at her, it struck me how beautiful she was. Her hair was blowing carelessly in the wind, a halo on her head.

I had the oddest impulse to reach out and touch it. See if it was as soft as it looked. Her lips were curled into a soft smile that radiated warmth. I wondered who or what she was thinking of and my heart skipped a beat imagining her smiling for me.

It's crazy how I never noticed how blue her eyes are. Or how her laughter sounds like summertime. It's strange how I never really looked at her. And suddenly I couldn't stop staring.

"What are you looking at?" She asked, pulling me out of my daze. I was at a loss for words. We'd been friends for years. Why did she suddenly make me nervous?

"Oh, Uhm, you have a bug in your hair" I stuttered. I reached out, but stopped myself. Did friends do that? I suddenly didn't know. She shook her head. My heart sped up.

"Is it gone now?" She asked so casually, as if everything hadn't just changed. "Yes" I replied, aware of how my voice sounded. Of how completely lovely she was.

"Yes, it's all good now" did I dare tell her she was beautiful? No. That would ruin everything.

Maybe this feeling would pass. Maybe tomorrow she'd go back to being my best friend. Not the girl who made it hard to breathe. Maybe this epiphany was temporary. Maybe I'd forget.

-FLASHBACK END-

I opened my eyes. Except I didn't forget. Months went on. And I couldn't forget. Instead I found myself thinking of her late into the night, hoping there was a chance she'd fall asleep thinking of me.

I found myself making lists in my head of all the things that made her laugh, so I could hear it more and more. I could never look away from her. Even if she was just carelessly reading a book, sometimes especially then.

I couldn't erase her beauty from my mind. The moment I'd looked at her from that different perspective, I couldn't go back. After seeing her as beautiful. I could never look at her with indifference again. She wasn't just my best friend anymore.

I smiled softly to myself, reaching up to clasp the 'Sunshine' necklace on my neck.

"How could I forget when we found this hill, Sunny? When this hill was where I first realised I loved you."

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