09 • How Do You Catch Yourself?

09 • How Do You Catch Yourself?

Levy_McGarden_Redfox: Look, Sunny, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now, so I'll give you time to cool down and we'll talk when I get back. Please be safe and don't forget to eat. I love you.

I sighed, tossing my phone onto the bed. I yanked a hand through my hair in frustration, checking over my things one more time. I had everything so I closed my bag, picked up my discarded phone and texted Viv.

Levy_McGarden_Redfox: I'm leaving the house now, babe.

Her reply was instant,

Mia Amata Regina❤️: alright baby, be safe and text me when you're almost here. Love you. xxx

I chuckled softly to myself, pulling my bag over my shoulder,

Levy_McGarden_Redfox: Love you too. Xxx.

I checked for the millionth time that I didn't leave anything on and that I had everything I needed. Then I grabbed my keys and walked out the door, locking it behind me.

I sighed, opening the garage door. I walked in, smiling softly. I patted the hood of my beat up, red truck lovingly "hi Mama's baby. It's been a while, hasn't it, Asai?" Yes, my truck has a name.

She was my Grandpa's, named after my Grandma. It would have been my Mama's but she said she would never ride in that "death trap" so now it's mine.

It's true that Asai has broken down quite a lot and she has a lot of problems but she's still reliable.

I can't believe you love me after all the things I've done,

Like when I stole your money just to buy a pack of gum-

I cut of Alec Benjamin's voice without checking the caller ID. That song is Mama's ringtone. "Hi Mama" I chirped, throwing my bag in the truck and climbing in.

"Hello piccola. How are you?" She asked, seeming distracted "I'm good Mama. How are you?" I hummed softly.

"Tired, baby" she sighed tiredly "aww, Mommy. Take a break, yeah? Have something to eat and take a nap. Please" I said sternly, starting the truck.

I put the phone on speaker, backing out of the garage. "I will angel, I promise. I assume you're leaving for Hachette now?" She asks.

I grab my phone, climbing out to close the garage door, then I get back in the car and put the phone on the seat next to me.

"Yes Mama. I don't want to be driving late" I said absentmindedly "alright sweetpea. Be safe please" she replied.

"Okay Mama. I will be" I promised "are you alright, you sound off" of course Mama would notice. She's Mama.

"Sunny and I fought" I sighed "about Vivienne?" I hummed "yeah" she chuckled.

"Saahirah really doesn't like Vivienne. It's a pity. She's such a sweet girl" Mama loves Viv almost as much as she loves Sunny.

"I don't understand why they can't just get along. I don't get what Sunny has against Viv. It's bloody ridiculous. And now she's angry with me for promising Viv I'd be at her Dad's wedding.

This is the first Saturday in five years I've missed and Viv needs me there. Goddess, sometimes Saahirah is so bloody irrational" Mama hummed softly "do you want advice, do you want me to do something about it or should I just listen?" She asked.

Ever since I was little Mama has had this system. I'll come to her with a problem and she'll always ask me if I want her to give me advice, if she should do something about or if I just need her to listen.

"Advice, please" I replied "I think maybe Saahirah is just a little afraid of being replaced by Vivienne. You two have been together so long and I don't think either of you can imagine a life without each other. So maybe just talk to her about it, make sure she knows that just because Vivienne is important to you doesn't mean that she'll stop being important" I sighed. Mama was right. She's always right.

"Yeah, I'll do that. I didn't think of it like that" Mama laughed "that's why I'm here" the anxiety in my chest lightened.

"I love you, Mommy" I said softly "I love you too, angel."

_____

I yawned, taking a gulp of my black coffee. I was turning into Hachette. Spencer had called while I was driving, he'd just finished up practise and we talked for a while before I told him to go get a shower.

I'd texted Viv a while back to let her know I was almost there and luckily, Asai hadn't broken down at all. My fingers tapped on the steering wheel while I hummed along to the radio.

Some time later I pulled into Viv's complex. Vivienne has four siblings from her Dad and none from her Mom. The eldest girl, Valence, and Viv don't get along at all.

Viv told her Dad that if she was going to stay in Hachette from time to time she refused to stay in his house. So he bought her an apartment.

I stuck my head out the window "Hi Burt!" I grinned at the guard. He grinned back "hello, Zayleigh" he greeted.

I had befriended Burt a while back. At one point he refused to call me me Zayleigh, insisting on Ma'am or Ms. Adler. I wore him down though.

"How's Henford?" I asked. Henford was his two year old son, "oh he's a nightmare. You should come see him. He misses you" he laughed.

"Viv and I will drop by before we leave" he nodded and I drove right through. Seven flights of stairs later, I shoved the key into the door and stumbled into the apartment.

Viv looked up from the couch, a huge tub of mint ice cream on her lap and Boku no Hero Academia playing on the TV.

"Hi my love" she smiled. I leaned over the couch to kiss her cheek and steal some ice cream "hiya honey" I answered.

I waddled into the room, dropping my bag on the floor. I didn't actually need to bring clothes because I already had clothes here so all I really had was my laptop and a dress.

"How was the drive?" Viv asked "long. Tiring" I pulled on some pajamas, heading back into the living room and flopping onto the couch next to Viv. I laid my head on Viv's lap and watched Izuku fucking destroy his bones protecting Kota.

She hummed, running her fingers through my hair "what's wrong darling? You seem stressed" I opened my mouth so she could spoon ice cream in.

"Sunny and I had a fight" is all I said "about you coming down here?" She snorted. I nodded.

"I just don't get why you're so in love with her. All she does is treat you like shit and get angry for no reason" I sat up "it's not like that, Viv" I said.

She paused the TV, crossing her arms "then fucking explain it. Because from where I'm standing, it looks like she's a controlling, possessive bitch" she huffed.

I sighed, running a hand through my russet locks. "She's... Well, yeah, she seems controlling but it's really just that she's worried I'll replace her" Viv sighs "and how many fucking times haven't you told her that you're not replacing her" I paused.

"It's just... It's been her and me for a while, you know? And she's not used to having to share me. It's just hard for her to get used to" Viv stands abruptly "stop fucking defending her" I stand too, taking her hands in mine.

"Calm down, Viv. I know it seems stupid but Sunny really isn't what you think. She's kind and she's warm and she's funny and adorable" an involuntary smile found its way onto my lips.

Viv sighed, sitting back down, "you really love her, don't you?" It was more a statement than a question. I felt my eyes well up with tears "it's stupid. So fucking stupid because I'm the only one falling.

But I can't stop falling because every time I think I'm over it, she smiles and it hits me all over again. And it's just so draining because I have to constantly remind myself there's a line and I can't screw this up but I just can't stop falling. And I have to. I have to.

It's like jumping off a cliff and then falling halfway before realising that she never said she'd catch me. And she's not going to catch me and she's not even looking and I'm just falling falling falling and at the end I'll have no one but myself to blame for how broken I am.

So I know I need to stop because she's not going to catch me and I just... It's so scary because I don't even know how to catch myself" Viv takes my hands in hers and sits me down and she wipes my tears and I look at her and I feel so pitiful but I just can't stop.

"How do I catch myself, Viv?" It's barely a whisper but she hears "I don't know, Zay" she looks at the floor "I don't even know how to catch myself" she whispers softly.

And then she looks at me again and she smiles and she's so fucking beautiful. Because she's sitting there in one of my old t shirts and shorts and her hair tumbles around her in unruly waves and there's no make up on her face but her eyes are so fucking green and she's smiling at me and she'd be so fucking perfect and she's so goddam beautiful and for a split second I wish it was her I'd fallen for instead.

And she says "but I'll catch you, Zay" and my heart warms and I nod. And then I lay back down on her lap and she unpauses the TV and for a while we lay in silence. I feel my eyes close and minutes later Viv pauses the TV.

It's silent for some time, then she kisses my head and brushes my hair out of my face "I'll always catch you Zay, but who the fuck is going to catch me?" She whispers and I know she thinks I'm sleeping so I say nothing.

She unpauses the TV and then I really fall asleep.

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