14

"Gem!"

My attention was taken from him when I heard someone call me, and by the sound of it, I know that it's Daniel who called my name. He was telling me that I should quickly come to his direction. So, I did. Although I was a bit hesitant before and looked slightly at Theo's direction, in the end, I chose to go to Daniel who didn't seem to see the other.

"Yeah, I'm on my way. You're so stingy, Daniel. God." I say as soon as we reunite, but with a hint of humour.

"Yeah? Well, you need to eat, young lady. Let's get going." He carefully wraps his arm around my shoulder to bring me with him to the office.

Though I was physically with Daniel, god knows what was going through my head. And I couldn't really stop myself from secretly turning my head to see if he's still there, if he's also looking at me, wanting to see me like I do. To be honest, I wouldn't mind if he ignored me earlier but still showed something… that maybe he also wanted to see me again.

But I guess you really can't force someone into something they don't want. You won't know what's going on inside their head, so I just let go of it. I finally take my gaze away from him, because I know that it will be impossible to see him once again.

"He was here like an hour ago? He didn't sit for a second, really. My head hurt from looking at him pacing back and forth." Geleen puffs out a large breathe and looked at Daniel with her hand on her waist. "Now, please go and do what he says or I'll be the one to suffer again."

I just chuckle, looking at Daniel who was now glaring at Geleen. Rubbing his back, I also usher him to the office to finally stop the childish arguement they are currently having. Thankfully, he eases when it was finally the two of us, and to my surprise, there were paper bags inside the room. Lots of them. And I'm guessing this is probably all food?

"Sit down. I'll prepare everything."

I was sitting there, just looking at him while he was preparing everything on the table. Taking out the tupperwares out of the paper bags, neatly placing the spoon and forks in front of me, as well as the plates. I couldn't help but smile at his gesture.

Although it was refreshing and somewhat comforting when I was with Daniel, I still couldn't help but let the thoughts of Theo linger in my mind. It felt suffocating, and I hesitate to tell this to Daniel because maybe he'll find it annoying that I talk about Theo everytime.

"Come on, tell me what you want to tell me. I can feel it just from your stares." He plops himself down on the chair in front of me.

I still hesitate for a few minutes, but then I come to the conclusion that I'm tired of feeling suffocated. "I saw Theo earlier. He's here."

He raises his head to look at me with big, hopeful eyes. And how I wish that I could've looked at him the same. "Really? That's great, Gem. How was it, did you two talk?" His voice sounded more energetic when he assumed that Theo and I were on good terms again.

"No. I… uh, we didn't talk. I called him but he just looked at me like I'm someone he didn't know, like I was someone crazy calling his name." I laugh sarcastically, looking down on my plate which was already filled with rice and dishes.

When I raised my head to look at him, I could almost laugh at how he was just frozen there—holding the serving spoon and mouth wide like he just heard the most atrocious thing in the world.

"Huh…" was the only thing he could reply when he finally moved, tilting his head to the side, and clenching his teeth as if suppressing himself from saying something. "So, what really happened? Tell me."

I shrug. "It's nothing too serious. It's okay. You know, I can just forget about it."

He takes me back when he scoffs, sounding totally disturbed by the interaction that I refuse to talk about. Well, not really refuse, but avoiding to talk about. "It's not just /nothing/, Gem. It's something that's gonna bother you and you won't even get an answer from him." Breathing out a large sigh, he feeds himself while shrugging his head.

I also mimick him, and it's kind of a way to give myself some time to gather all of my thoughts and say what I want to without making myself sound obscure. "It's… I don't know, Dan. I ran up the stairs without even having the slightest bit of hope that I'll see him when I open the door. But what are the chances, ha…" I throw my head back, hand on my forehead as I sarcastically chuckle.

"He was just there. Standing there, and even I was taken aback for a little while. I had to process that it was /him/ right there, talking to someone. And I tried to go to him, but I was too scared, so instead, I called him. I called his name quietly and I didn't even think it's enough for anyone to hear, but he turned his head and looked me in the eye for a split second. What made me more flabbergasted was that he seemed like he didn't know me, at all. He avoided me on purpose. I don't know— have I, have I done anything wrong?"

My breath was like running away from me, wanting to be catched as I let out all the emotions built up inside of me because of the things I am unable to explain. Why did he pretend not to see me or know me? His… His eyes— it was filled with emotions I couldn't explain. I mean, he was the one I wanted to see, to talk to. I was most excited to see him only to be greeted by unknowing eyes. It hurt me to the core, but I couldn't do anything about it…yet.

Daniel was just there, sighing every minute and shaking his head, showing disappointment. I didn't say anything more, though. We kept quiet the whole time we were eating lunch, and I was (mindlessly) thinking about ways I can get him to talk to me. I tried to shrug it off, because I know that it'll be useless to do something.

Daniel's words would always come back to me, repeating inside my head, every time I try to think about Theo. Talking to Theo, in particular. He told me, after eating lunch, that someone who felt something sincere and real between you two wouldn't have an easy time ignoring that person. Sure, they may have their reasons, but if the reason is heavier than your bond, then I guess it isn't meant to be. And if it isn't meant to be, you shouldn't force it to be. Let it go. So, I do.

The first weeks were so hard to get through. I wasn't used to ignoring him every time he passes by, every time I supervise their department, since he's the type that isn't shy to get close to me. I wasn't used to not having someone on the sofa, sitting and telling stories non-stop while I do the boring paperwork and surprisingly doesn't feel so because he's there. He made me used to a lot of things that sometimes make me feel a sudden twitch in my heart, hurting it, when I accidentally think of him.

To be frank, it was /very/ hard. But you can't move forward if you keep yourself stuck in one situation. As much as I want to work on things between us, I couldn't find the time to. I was always running around, always doing something. I practically wasn't around that much. And to my surprise, we only had a few more weeks before their internship will end.

My alarm was ringing nonstop and it did irritate me the first week I was using it, but I got used to how it sounded, and I'm now slowly raising my arm to turn it off. The sun hasn't set yet, the sky slightly dark but you can see the whites spreading slowly as it makes way for the sun when it finally rises. It felt great, to catch the beautiful view of the sun slowly rising, greeting you, and as if it's a reminder that you're here to witness another day again.

That's when it hit me though, when I looked at the phone and saw a reminder. We were supposed to have a mini bookstore galore today at a mall, because it was somehow a way for me to congratulate him on finishing the internship. It's a week from now, but suddenly I had the urge to cry. I would be lying if there wasn't a single day I hoped for him to come up to me and smile once again. That he'll say it was a prank and we can finally be back to normal again. It absolutely broke my heart that I was on the floor, sitting down, hugging my knees close to me as I let out all of the tears I have been holding back for months.

My eyesight was blurred, I couldn't even breathe properly anymore. The hands around my legs were squeezed tightly, my sobs were quiet because I didn't want anyone to hear me. It feels like my heart is in the palm of someone's hand, slowly gripping it to torment me. It felt suffocating that I almost wanted to scream. I didn't know if I really was that sad or this is a mix of tiredness, brokenness, or I don't know. I just wanted to cry.

And maybe it wasn't the perfect way to wake up in the morning, but that's how I greeted the sun. While it was smiling on me, waking me up and showing its pretty colors, I was there on my floor, quietly sobbing while my hand was on my chest. They say that after a few weeks of someone leaving you, you won't feel anything much, but it'll occur to you once a long time has passed and that's when you'll cry, that's when you'll break down and crumble.

Sometimes it's also because I'm tired. Burnout, they call it. When your body has been used so much that it'll want to take a break from everything. You'll experience it for a few days, having no energy to do anything, and as if you'll stop having that same excitement you have everytime you wake up. You just want to… rest. To have a few days only to yourself and letting your body rest.

Maybe it was because of both, but I was tired. I raised my head to somehow have cold air hit me, to help me breathe. But I didn't realize that I whispered a quiet 'help me' when I breathed out. It was excruciating for me. It felt like the whole universe was against me. Or. maybe it's the teenager in me speaking. Who cares? One moment I was crying, and the next, I was laughing.

I was laughing while crying because it all seemed very funny to me. How everything has been happening. But I also laughed because I remember something Theo told me. Something he told me when we were having lunch together inside the office. I took some time to entertain him and his questions. Also because he nagged at me that my head was practically stuck to the table all day and that I needed to let my eyes and brain rest.

/"You need to cry sometimes, you know. It helps easen the heaviness in your heart. Or if you don't want to cry, you can just do something you like. Maybe watch the sunset with me?"/

Haa… how would I have loved it if we were to watch the sunset. But I guess I have to stick with crying to help me. Fortunately, there's also something I have to help me let out all the bottled up feelings I have. Writing was my only chance to keep myself sane, to stop myself from crumbling down.

Maybe you were more the reason I loved it, and maybe you also wanted me to love it more, in case there'll be a time you'll have to leave, like now. You wanted me to have something that'll help me get through this. But I don't know if I should thank you for doing so.