15

I tried my best to not look like I've cried for hours before going to work. The whole time I was in the bath, I was crying, as well. My eyes were starting to hurt from the heat that was caused by the tears, my nose was running endlessly, and my head was also starting to hurt.

I wanted to stop, wanted my tears to stop but it seemed like it didn't want to, so I forced it to do so. I hold my breath for a few seconds to compose myself, then I breathe in and out deeply to calm myself down. My eyes were red, I could feel it. I didn't need to look at the mirror to know. But the longer I held my breath, the more it wanted to pour out. Feeling my heart clench, I puff out the air that I was holding, along with my tears.

In the end, I failed to look normal. My eyes were bloodshot when I finished putting my clothes on. Thankfully, I was already done crying. The only problem now was how I will hide this, this face to Daniel. He'll panic when he sees me looking like this, but I don't have much choice, so I just sigh. The sun was fully up now, it looked like today was going to be a great day, but no. It's not a good one. Well, at least for me.

Gathering my things, my mind was filled with a lot of things that I cannot even list on one paper. It felt like I was writing an essay about the things I want to say to Theo but won't be able to. I don't have much energy and by the looks of it, I don't think I even look like someone who is full of one.

And what made the start of my day more awful than it already is was when I interacted with my parents before I got to go out of the house. It felt like how it usually did, suffocating. I'm used to it, I've said that like a thousand times, but today felt different. During the past months I was with Theo, I won't deny that I didn't experience the ferocity of my parents, but as I knew that I had someone to lean on, the heavy feeling didn't feel that heavy to me. But now that I wasn't having a good kick start of the day and I lost Theo for god knows what reason, seeing my parents almost made me want to cry.

Albeit feeling down and wasn't really in the mood to receive an earful this early, I still bowed slightly and greeted both of them who were sitting on the table, discussing something and laughing slightly. "Good morning. I'll be leaving now. Have a great day, mother, father."

In my head, I was silently praying for them not to say anything anymore. I turned my back at them, not wanting to wait for a reply anymore. As I was finally going to take a step forward, my father's voice suddenly came up. "Make sure this doesn—"

Without turning, I answer. "Yes, I'll make sure it won't affect how I work. Don't worry, father. I won't do anything to destroy your well built reputation. If you'll excuse me."

Of course they saw. No matter how much I tried to hide my eyes, of course they saw. Also, as much as I want to feel guilty for answering rudely, it felt great that I didn't want to take anything back nor did I regret anything that I did. Because to be honest, I realized that they can't do anything to me. Even if I say what I truly felt, they wouldn't be able to do anything to me. Well, at least physically. They can't hurt me nor do anything to harm me because I know all of their secrets. But mentally, they've already done a great deal of damage.

Contrary to how the sun looked so bright that you'd assume that today will be a hot day, when I opened the humungous door, a cold breeze of air suddenly hit my face causing me to shiver and my nose to trigger its cold radar, causing it to appear red and me to sniff a couple of times before the car finally arrived.

"Why is it so cold today." I talk to myself while wrapping both of my arms around me, hoping that it'll somehow give me the warmth I need.

Just when I was about to pull out my phone to contact Daniel (because it was freezing cold) and ask where he was, the car slowly stopped in front of me. The warmth I was trying to find earlier vanished when I saw Daniel step out of the car. The heaviness in my heart is fading as well, along with the shivering I've exhibited.

With his long legs, he walks —hop-like—towards where I am, clothed very warmly with a couple of layers and surprisingly, an extra coat placed on his arm. When he excitedly approached me, he opened the coat to wrap it around me and I uttered a quiet thank you as I sniffled. He ushered me towards the car and made sure I was comfortable enough before going into his own.

When we were in the car, finally feeling a little bit of heat but not taking our layers off, he turned half of his body around to check on me. And just when he was about to speak, he pauses— he pauses because of a known reason but I just give him a small smile.

"Give me your hand." He gently asks, ignoring my swollen and red eyes.

Being the obedient person I am, I do what I am told and offer both of my hands to him. To my surprise, he gives me two hot packs and folds my fingers for me. It almost made me want to cry again, but I'll save that for later.

"Keep yourself warm. I'll turn up the heater, just tell me if you need anything, okay?" He faces forward again, rummaging something in his compartment until he finds a new pack of tissues he's put there. "Here are the tissues for your runny nose, and here is a chocolate to make you feel better." While he was handing me all of those things, it just made me smile, warmed my heart.

It felt like Daniel was more like my father than my biological one. He knew what were my tendencies in this particular weather and what would lift my spirits up when I feel like shit. Something my father hasn't ever done. But I am not planting hatred in my heart for my parents. I just sometimes want to feel something from them, but I know that'll never happen.

"Thank you." Was all I could say to Daniel when he started driving 10 minutes ago. To be honest, I don't know what to exactly say to him. Do I tell him or not? Do I just make it seem like I thanked him for another reason? Knowing Daniel, though, it seems like he already knew what I meant by that.

"Always, Gem. If you ever need someone to talk about it, I'm here as well. But not if you're still not ready, though. Just… take your time. I know things have been hard, but I know you'll get through it." I see his eyes, soft as ever, on the dashboard mirror for a split second until he cuts off the eye contact.

"Yeah… I'm okay, I'll be okay," I laugh softly but with a hint of sarcasticness. "It's just that things have been hard for me. I lose who-shall-not-be-named all of sudden, my life's a mess, I'm tired, and suddenly I get reminded about how many more days I still have left to see /him/." I scoff, opening the pack of chocolate Daniel gave me.

"Only a little bit of time for you to see him, 'no?" I guess Daniel couldn't help but sigh as well. He saw how I was in shambles when shit had gone down, and now this.

"I know. It was okay since I could see him even though I couldn't speak to him. But not being able to do anything at all? I don't know, Dan. Maybe that'll be the time for me to lose all of the composure I've been keeping up this whole time."

"Do you want me to go and talk to him? I can convince him to stop this whole thing. It's not healthy for the both of you." The car stops. /Traffic./

I shake my head subtly. He wouldn't want that, and I wouldn't want to force him to talk to me. "No—No, it's okay. I can just deal with it, I guess." I scoff.

—

Just like how my day usually goes, just like clockwork, I get busy. And as always, I'm thankful because it keeps my mind off things. Not until lunch time comes again, though. Geleen stands in front of the office with something on her hand, a paper bag which caused me to furrow my brows.

"Having lunch?" It's rare for me to see Geleen hold a paper bag during lunch, which I am guessing is her food. She usually goes to the cafeteria to buy her food, never a pre-packed one. Not like I'm judging her though.

She instantly shifts her whole body, her eyes widening in surprise then turning into something… what a child would look like if it were to see its favourite treat. She waves her hand, her whole arm even, to greet me with a smile and I couldn't help but to shyly wave back and laugh at her silliness.

"What? Is it someone's birthday? Why are you carrying a paper bag with you?"

She scoffs, rolls her eyes as well. "You have a /lot/ of questions, don't you?" Shifting the bag to be now put on her shoulder, she holds both sides of my shoulders and guides me to where the office is.

She even went through the trouble of opening the door for me. That's when I raise my brow because, what the hell is happening? And I really wouldn't want to dwell on answering how peculiar this all is, I just assume that this is because of Daniel, this is his doing. I know how worried he can get about me not eating during lunch hours, so I guess instead of going personally, he decided to leave it to Geleen.

"You're eating with me? What possessed you?" I chuckle, settling myself on the swivel chair that's very much familiar to me.

I see her scoff sarcastically and roll her eyes once again. She's a brat, I understand that. But she gets to be like that to me as we've known each other for quite some time now. "As you can see, yes. Duh."

She's fun to tease, alright. Quite entertaining if I must say. And not that I'm totally opposed to the idea of eating with her, but I had some plans for lunch. Particularly moping around and letting myself get lost in my thoughts. But I guess this is the better option.

"—the rest is quite history. Nothing quite interesting, I know. Ms. Gem? Ms. Gem, hello?"

"Hm? What? God, sorry. My mind's been all over the place." I shake my head, finding this totally laughable. Me, laughable.

I see her face turn from happy, giddy to a concerned one. "Actually, now that you've brought that up, are you fine? It seems like something has been bothering you for weeks now."

"Nothing, really." I pause, figuring what I should say or lie about next. "Just… stuff."

"Right, stuff." Not totally convinced, she just nods, letting the topic go. Which I am very much thankful for.

The whole time we were together felt like I was talking to a friend. She was talkative, obviously. Most of the time, she was the one speaking about never ending topics. I do wonder, though, where she pulls all of these topics to talk about, because I could never shift from one to another. And it never seemed to end. I did find it amusing, helped me get my mind off of things.

Though there was one problem. It's funny, okay. Geleen had to really attack me like that and I couldn't reply back. My mind was like manually loading what excuse I should make. It made me silent for a few minutes, and even Geleen was suspicious of my silentness.

"Ah, I've also noticed that you've had minimal interaction with the Theo guy. You know, the one who always leaves a cup of coffee on my table and puts your name on it. Something like… what was it. Ah! It was Hazel. He called you /Hazel/, didn't he?" She chuckles. "I haven't seen you talk to each other for weeks now. Not that it's my business, though. Just wanted to ask." She shrugs, not knowing that I'm almost on the verge of crying, of sobbing and embarrassing myself.

"Excuse me, I need to use the restroom." Avoiding the upcoming shame I was about to bring upon myself, I hastily stand up and walk outside.

The sobs that were threatening to come out were very well kept by my hand while I was running towards the bathroom. I didn't even have the time nor was I even in the right mind of my surroundings. My main priority was to get to the bathroom as soon as possible. My eyes were starting to heat up, my chest to tighten, and there was some lump in my throat that wanted to come out. Before I fully broke down in the middle of the hallway, I bumped into someone.

I composed myself, though my head was still hung low. "Sorry." I did not even bother to look up as I know how terrible I look right now. I know that the redness and puffiness of my eyes haven't subdued. Earlier, when I was with the interns, I was bombarded with questions 'cause of it. Creating an excuse for my red nose was easy enough, but I couldn't come up with anything regarding my eyes, so I just chose to stay silent.

Trying my best, I walked faster. Finally, I arrive at the bathroom where I lock myself up in a cubicle. That's when my tears started to stream down my face, nonstop. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive and easily attached because of puberty, but I could care less right now. Especially since my heart feels like it's being squished by a pison. It's rolled on multiple times, followed by that familiar feeling of something sharp pricking said organ.

In that enclosed cubicle which seemed to be more diminutive to me—though it's not—I poured out all of me…again. And the tears never seemed to want to stop, just like how it always is. I gave myself time, maybe more than I should've, because I wouldn't want to go out not fully done breaking down. But the more I gave, the more it didn't want to stop. I couldn't do anything, so I just did what I thought was best. Let it be.

Spending more than 10 minutes in the bathroom wasn't that appealing to hear, I know. But just imagine everything I had to do to hide myself adeptly every time a staff member comes in along with another one, chatting, while I'm there sitting on the lid of the bowl and trying my best to hide the sniffles along with the tears that seeked to come out.

After what seemed like an eternity, it all halts. When it did, I made sure to move so quickly as I knew that sitting idly will gradually make it all come back and I'd cry and it'll all start again. I wouldn't want that. Geleen's probably there, dumbfounded or probably thought I had constipation because of how long I took. That's also a problem.

With rushed movements, I let the cold water from the faucet rest on my face. I do it several times to erase any kind of evidence that I cried. Once that I've settled that I looked okay, I fixed myself, looking at the mirror and thinking of how horrible I look. Starting with my hair, I comb it down, remove the bits of hair sticking on my forehead and face. My pale lips that made me look like a corpse walking. My eyes that made me look like… I don't know but it was red. Still red, just slightly now.

I was hesitant at first. Of coming out of the bathroom and it'll be discernible that I did cry. But I could really, really care less right now. My mind's a mess, and all I can think of is just to go to the office once again. So, I do. With shaky hands and breath, I opened the door, practically speed walked to the office, but I was finally able to breathe when I did arrive in the room.

Surprisingly, it was all cleaned. The tupperwares and plates weren't there anymore. The table's been cleaned and all. I didn't notice Geleen on her table, as well. But as soon as I was about to go to the door and go look for her, the door opened.

It revealed the most unexpected person I thought would come in. Considering that, my mouth forms an 'o'. Well, a slight one. But I could literally hear my heart beat, it's unusually loud. I couldn't say a thing, I was just there. It's like everything stopped, I was just waiting for him to fully enter the room before everything went back to normal again, and it does. It finally does but when it did, it felt— fast, so to say. Everything happened so fast that I did not have enough time to assimilate anything or even come up with an excuse for him to stay.

He just— went in, looked at me for a brief second and walked toward my table with a cup of coffee in his hand. Gently placed it on my table, like how he usually does with everything, and I don't know if I am assuming this, but I guess he looked at me, just looked at me for a few seconds before finally leaving.

And when I thought I was done crying, I saw a piece of paper stuck on the paper cup of my favorite coffee which only he seems to know.

/"I know I was the one who started all of this. Ignoring you, stopped speaking with you. And I'm sorry, very much so. I hope that in the future, if you won't hate me, I'll get a chance to explain to you. Just…I can't right now, and I'm sorry. Hazel, saw you crying when we bumped into each other earlier, you didn't even notice. I know I don't have any right to, but I was worried. I hope a dose of your fav coffee could help you calm down even in the tiniest bit. Also, I told Daniel what your favorite one was because I know how picky you can get."/