The Unknown

Two paths lie ahead of me. One is unknown, the path is dark. The other is well lit and shows everything I'd deal with, and it ends shortly. That one doesn't work, but I'd end up worse off. The pain I'd endure, the manipulation I'd have to face. It wouldn't kill me, but it would kill him. I would, for real, this time. I look back, seeing the path I'm on now. It's dark, but I remember everything. I'm on the path of the unknown. A future that could be, happiness that could be obtained. True happiness, peace. 

"But, you must overcome your fear to continue."

I can feel the fear in my veins, deep in my mind. I see everything I've been through before. Being controlled, judged, misled, manipulated, broken...used. The people I have known and cared for have shaped me into who I am now. My peers have only made things worse. Not everyone made things worse, some helped. But, somehow or another, they exited my life. Whether it was my fault or not. All the memories of the pain, the darkness I trapped myself in to protect myself. I was so broken, even as a kid. I was so afraid to be myself, to do anything. I was afraid of everything, and everything after that just reiterated my fears. Supported the fear, broke any hope or self-esteem I built up. The rage, the agony was all I knew, truly. Happiness scared me because it made me vulnerable. It made me an open target, to be taken advantage of or played with and thrown away. 

"But, is this the same?"

I hesitated, scared of my answer. Is this a setup, or am I just that scared? Flashbacks of the past enter my mind, how the last relationship started. How it was so sweet, but something just seemed so off and it scared me. I had just left someone who was violent, and I was tired of it. But, he wasn't. 

"Your mind, your body has taken abuse that no one should know. Your own mother tried to mold you into her own little doll. Your ex tried to manipulate you into giving into his desires. Then, he...wanted you to beat him up for pleasure and pushed your violent temper. All I've known is pain, violence, and rage. This is scary for all of us…"

"But, this is healing. That's hard to do. It's easy to shove headphones on and shut everything out, hide in your mind, and let everything fester until you eventually die off. But, what kind of life is that?... It's not living, that's surviving. And, we all know you love this person. Don't let that go."

I take in the words, staring behind me. I could easily call all this off and go back to hiding, go back to surviving. But, knowing there's more to life than what I've known has been...different. So different, and genuine that I don't know what to do. I'm at a standstill with myself, paralyzed by fear as I now stare ahead of me.

"Are you ready?"

I pause, letting myself breathe before nodding. Into the unknown, I go.