I stare at the house, unsure of why I even came. To be petty to an ex?
To move on and cope with the memories?
To see if, maybe, I recognized the person I enjoyed spending time with?
Or, just to torture myself?
The dread hits me as I walk to the porch. Tattoo or not, is it really worth being here?
Is a tattoo worth the pain of seeing a face that I don't even recognize, anymore?
He doesn't even look up from his phone or tv, but I notice he glances slightly. His roommates greet me, and we just sit. The tv is playing whatever they were watching, and it's funny. But, it doesn't ease my discomfort or pain. Everything that happened, the things that he did...and what I did. I'm not the same as I was with him, but that was never me. Not truly, I wasn't happy. I should have done things so much better, known when to give myself a break. To listen to myself. But, I didn't, and here we are.
"So, how have you been?"
I stare at him, trying to compute the fact that he was talking to me. I don't have any words to answer, though. I just stare, unsure of what to do. What am I even to say, do I have anything to say?
"You hate me that much, huh? I mean, you kicked me out of the house, think I stole your money...and now we're what, nothing?"
I almost feel bad until I remember all of the reasons he's out of my life. He stopped helping me, in general. Everything was on my shoulders. Cleaning, my own emotional torture, that dog. Two mental breakdowns, and he didn't care. He wasn't the one cleaning up stepped in shit all of the time. I was.
I shake my head, feeling a bitterly sad sensation eat at me,"I don't hate you. I loved some part of you, but you...are manipulative. You,"I fight for words to say,"You weren't good for me. I honestly don't know if you stole my money, but even if you did, that's not why I kicked you out."
I swallow hard before continuing as the room goes quiet,"I got angry because I was hurt. Really hurt, because everything came back at me. Not just our relationship or the stress, but everything. I've realized a lot since then, and I was living a vicious cycle of going for what I knew. I mean, look at the people I kept around. I was willing to stay friends with an ex, who literally hit me and had fun doing so. I had thought of going back to an ex who molested me or retreating to a situation where I got hurt really bad. Things weren't all bad, but they weren't good. A house is a lot of maintenance and you didn't seem up for it. That dog was...a lot to handle, and again, you weren't up for it. I had to clean it, I had to train him. You didn't. You just wanted to play video games all night and bitch about whatever. I cut you off because you're two-faced. You tried to gaslight in front of your new girlfriend, who you had previously said you thought was disgusting. You cut her off before, and she stopped messaging you. You called her a slut, I believe. Then, you made friends with another girl, 18. You're 31, and she made it seem like something was going on. She felt the need to mark her territory anytime she saw us around each other. Worst of all of that, because that was all your choice. You wanted to be friends so bad, but you hid everything. You hid your "non" girlfriend, claimed you were 'visiting someone' or here. You can bring your dog here. The day I packed your shit, I was done. You lied to me, again. You lied to me a lot or manipulated me. I wasn't any better, so to say. I wasn't happy and words flew out of my mouth, too. But, I'm not there, anymore."
The look in his eyes is a mix of sadness and just a blank look," No, you're not here...anymore."
I pick my head up quickly, looking out the window. I'm in a car, with my ex and friend. Or, who I thought was a friend. Foolishly.
"You good back there?" Said friend laughs.
I don't answer, I'm too focused on my surroundings. It's dark outside, and my hair is...long? When did it grow out? The song playing is one I used to listen to during Middle School, one of the only songs that kept me alive. But, I know he's playing it out of spite.
"I don't want to be here, but I do. The adventures were fun and sometimes took my mind off things. It was nice to just relax and not have to worry about driving or the house. But, that's over. You're...disappointing. You had time to talk shit on others, even the passenger. You even said you didn't like the passenger. We started hanging out and it was...fun. You had some sketchy moments, definitely. But, I thought maybe something was up, wrong. But, I was wrong. You are both no longer in my life, and you have both helped and been a hindrance in my healing. But, because you are a hindrance, I am not here."
He sighed," No, you are not."
I wake up in my bed, alone. Alone with my thoughts. These dreams aren't just insignificant thoughts made into a movie. These dreams show that I'm moving forward, instead of backwards. I'm facing my pain, as slowly as it comes to the surface, and deciphering the codes to healing. Even as painful or hard it may be, I'm doing it. I'm breaking the habits that I've had for so long, the vicious cycle of pain and misery. I'm freeing myself and finding how to heal the wounds I've collected over the years. The wounds that bled for so long, that I held onto.
I sigh, not out of sadness solely, but relief.