Chapter 40

2018.07.20

Mrs. Beth and I came out of the classroom. Mrs. Beth did not want anyone to hear us so she took me down the stairs and we stood on the stairs. I stood three steps below her. She clasped her hands in front her and said, "Is something wrong dear? The bruise on your face." "Do not worry madam it is red sandalwood madam." Her face flushed with relief. She continued, "Is it serious?" "May be not my bruise but at home it is not that great madam" I told the whole incident in detail what happened at home. I even told the words they spoke. I wanted to get them off my chest and Mrs. Beth is someone who I trust. While I was saying I slipped my step and went two steps down and stood. Mrs. Beth hand reached to hold and stopped in midair after realizing that I got my balance back. "Parents do not hate their kids. May be they told in the fear that you are going in a bad path. (I highly doubt that) They may be in a pressure dear. I am pretty sure they did not mean any of it." "It hurt a lot madam. I do not recall anything I did to shame them in anyway. I always kept check on taking care of them." "You know, my father use to come home drunk and cause problems but look at me now. I am more than happy. Good days are on the way. It is matter of fact looking at the goodness." I feel assured. If Mrs. Beth is telling me then there is some truth in it. I nodded and we returned to the classroom for the chemistry test.

I could not concentrate. My eye ached so much and my head started becoming dizzy. And I was constantly distracted in the tuition class by Zarina so my brain was empty. I cannot blame her, I should be responsible about it. But then again it was the truth that I realized later. I dropped my pen. I watched my paper making patterns. I pushed myself and did some and kept down my head, I could not do further and this will be an excuse for this test but others I have to study harder.

During interval I told the fight at my home, Sally and Zarina were fired about it. Sally kept quiet and just said that they should not have talked in an insulting way and Zarina sort of cursed at my parents. And I was quiet. I did not tell anything. I was heartbroken and mad at my parents so it felt great but now I regret to that I should have drew a line from my parents and her.

2018.08.02

"How are things at home dear?" Mrs. Beth asked me. "Just like you said madam everything became okay. They asked for forgiveness a long time ago." She smiled and said "Good to hear, dear." Today also I was the only one who was present. I was doing biology papers in the junior class. Masha was sitting at a desk and studying physics from a new sir. I watched him and he definitely teaches pretty better than our sir, Mr. J. J. Fortune.

At interval Masha asked how I was doing. I am fine, I answered. I could not hate her or any of them. I just loved them too much that there is no hate to take over. I could not love Sally and Zarina as much as them. I tried and even I forced myself to love them more than what I had for Masha and others, it just did not work. Like I have lost the feeling. May be I am scared that I will be hurt again.

2018.09.10

Today is Zarina's birthday, she gave us a treat at a restaurant. I do not go anywhere without my mother. So my mother and Engel came along and little brother was at my aunt's place to play with his cousins, when the weekend comes he goes to play cricket with them.

After-school I, Zarina and Sally's friends came to the restaurant. Sally was not allowed to attend by her mother. Sally's mother is very cautious and over-protective.

My mother and Engel were at the tuition class gate. We all joined and headed to the restaurant. Zarina told me that she had told some of the guys to come too but they could not make it that is what Zarina told us. We ordered and we started to eat. I, mother and Engel ordered fried rice. When they served us I started eating and the rice was burnt. But ate it anyway. I was hungry and I did not want to complain. I could feel some of the waiters' eyes on me and I ignored. I was facing the crowd while sister and mother were facing me and the window behind me. My mother has a greater sense of humor and she was joking all the time. We were laughing all the time so it is an obvious that people look at us and Zarina was definitely showing off. My mother had the same rice and she also ate half way and stopped. The smell of the burnt rice was not very pleasant. My mother called the waiter and retuned the dishes complaining about the food. I held on my plate and hinting mother that it was alright. But mother was like 'we are not eating here for free. We are paying.' The waiter asked can they serve again and mother said no and they offered us two submarine in return. My mother was about to pay for hers and Engel's plate but Zarina refused and offered to pay as it was her birthday. My mother said no and I insisted mother to let her pay and mother thanked Zarina for her treat and wished her as well.

We came home exhausted. Zarina hoped to be a huge star today but it did not happen. The guys paid no much attention. May be she is trying too hard. She was a bit sad ad disappointed.

2018.09.11

Today is Sunday, that means it is chemistry class. We sat next to the guy's row. Zarina is never in the good mood if we do not sit next to Mathew. Sally came and asked about yesterday and I told her everything and Sally was agreeing with my mother, "Anna you are crazy. We pay for the food and we definitely do not need to eat burnt food".

At the right time when Mathew came, Zarina followed him in. She had followed him from Physics class to the chemistry class. I and Sally laughed and called her crazy. "I have to tell you something Anna." Zarina claimed. I was laughing at Sally's joke and turned towards her with a half-smile. "Yeah, what is it?" I sat upright and watched her speak out. "The manager, who I showed you yesterday." I nodded and she continued, "We visited him. He said that a girl came to the restaurant that looked like me." We laughed but it died as soon as what she said next. "He said that a middle-aged lady rejected their dish after eating almost everything." My nails dug in to my skin. She continued, "That lady acted as if she was a teenage girl and flirted with the waiters and even the cashier said the manager that she made them uncomfortable. I know your mother was just having fun with us only but see what they had talked." I looked at her in disbelief. Sally gripped my arm. "I think my mother was wrong. She was not just joking I guess." I eventually sided with Zarina's opinion that my mother flirts with young men and has a disgusting personality. Sally slapped my hand and said, "Are you insane, she was just joking with you guys and having fun. Even others who came with you told me that your mother was cool."

I was running the scenario in my mind over and over again to remember if my mother was being embarrassing. I started to doubt my mother as she doubted me when I she saw that I was texting with Daniel, my guy friend and Mathew's friend. I felt my mother trampling my heart when she shot her questions at me. I had no way of proving my innocence and get her trust that I was not dating anyone or being a playgirl behind her back. I have to do something that I have not done something before. Something I had not dared to show my parents. I grabbed a paper cutter from my drawer and went to washroom. I stood in front of the sink and saw my reflection in the mirror and slowly cut out an 'H' on my wrist, followed with 'U', 'R', and 'T'. I let the blood seep out. It stung with every line and a squeal came out with it. I put on a short sleeved t-shirt to let my mother see the cut. My mother asked me what I have done and asked what it read. "It reads 'HURT' because you doubted me about me being a playgirl. She understood and apologized and asked me to stop. I did it only for a few weeks. But genuinely I was not a girl to play with others feelings and I only chatted for a purpose except for Daniel on some occasions. And I was here doubting my mother and believing blindly my best friend.

I came home. I could not keep it within me. I had to spill the beans to someone. And also it was a restaurant that we normally visit often. I called in Engel and told her. "That is absurd. I was with you too. We have to tell mother about this ruthless lie." Engel also believed Zarina and she told my mother no matter how much I told her not to.

It got worse. The owner of the restaurant was my father's close friend and he respected my father a lot. My father called the owner and explained the situation. I could barely breathe. My mother even talked with Zarina and she said the same thing to mother. The same exact story. My father went to the restaurant and the owner also came and they both checked the CCTV footage and saw no misbehavior from my mother. According to my mother, the manager had been denying the story and my parents were ashamed and quickly father went to the safe mood and complained about the food and it turned out that the manager already had enough complaints. And he got fired. This branch shut down after our complaint. My parents told me tp be careful with her but I stood firm trusting her like a fool as always.

The next week Zarina got to know that the manager got fired and it seemed that she know the manager. Sally came and told me that her so-called friends got to know about it and Zarina had told that I and my family ruined someone's job and many others. And it is the truth. We ruined them. Ruined them all by trusting an everyday liar. And like an idiot I still kept being friends with her. Sally was not much happy about it. I still do not know what was I thinking and feeling at that time. Engel also old me that I should stop believing everyone. But I believe that there is good in everyone. And Zarina did of mean any of it. Everyone deserves a second chance, she did not do it on purpose. May be she had a reason. (Or maybe she did not at all. It was her habit if lying about everything. Like about everything. She always day dreams and combine them with reality. All the illusions that she created kept making a mess that I was too blind to see.) And in the end I destroyed many family. The guilt is still eating me. Do I even I deserve to be forgiven?