Chapter 51

Lorenzo: are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? he asked worriedly, helping me to bed

Isabella: yes, I am

Lorenzo: my love, but you vomited a lot of blood

Isabella: please, daddy, I don't want to go to that place again

Lorenzo: How are your mother and I supposed to go to bed knowing you're bleeding inside? He said, and I didn't find the words to answer his question. I will take you to the hospital if you get worse, Isabella said in a warning tone.

Isabella: I won't get worse

I was hoping to get better and stop that pain; I waited for a while for my parents to leave the room so I could pray and talk to God.

My Lord, give me relief and comfort; only You can give me that at the moment. Things are not fitting; as much as I have tried, I have not succeeded; everything is being difficult. God, help me to be strong, brave, teach me to resist. Sometimes it feels like I'm all alone, but I know I'm not; I have you, my Lord, you're all I need, you've got everything I need. I know that sometimes I get weak and let myself get carried away by what I shouldn't, but please don't let me lose faith; I've been walking through challenging paths, there seems to be no light, I can't see straight, I need you to light up my steps.

There's a part of me that tells me terrible things: you won't make it, that makes me shiver with fear; I try to ignore everything it says, but sometimes it seems to be correct. There's also a part that comforts me by saying positive things: There's hope; that side makes me think of you. I have no idea what's stored for me, but I believe it's for the best.

I've never felt so much desire to live as I have been having my life threatened in the last few months; now, I see things with different eyes. Grant me a chance to live a bit longer; for I have so many dreams God, but now, I'm lost thoughts and time; it hurts to know that something is taking my life away from me, to know that the moments are ticking away, all I want is to live, that's all, and you're the only one able to give me this privilege. I ended the prayer in tears

I hugged the pillow and waited for hours to pass until Nicolas arrived; I needed to feel his embrace and hear his voice to calm my internal storms.

[...]

Nicolas: hi

Isabella: hi

Nicolas: how are you?

Isabella: I'm not very well. Unfortunately, I relieved with a deep sob

Nicolas: what happened?

Isabella: I'm just discouraged and sad

Nicolas: Are you in pain?

Isabella: not really, the truth is I don't think I'm getting better, my love

Nicolas: It's okay to be sad and discouraged; you can't stop believing that things can get better, okay, princess?

Isabella: What do I do when I can't believe it?

Nicolas: Pray until you do, or just wait a little while, sometimes we need some time to put our minds on track

Isabella: I want things to be okay soon, sweetheart

Nicolas: they will be my love, believe and take things easy; he said and kissed my forehead. I pray every day for you

Isabella: Thank you so much; I'm glad I have you in my life.

Nicolas: come here, he leaned against me, and I did so on his shoulder. You know, I hate to see you out of sort like that, and to know that you didn't have a good day, seeing your suffering expressions and not being able to do anything to ease, it brings me down as well, if I could pass it on to myself, I would definitely do, it's a real torture to be on the other side, being the useless person who watches everything

Isabella: but you are not useless; you have no idea how much you help me, make me feel good, and give me strength. I'm sorry for everything I'm putting you through; I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. I said, trying to overcome my emotions.

Nicolas: It's not your fault, my love; it turns out that if you're not okay, I won't be okay either; if something hurts you, it will hurt me too, do you understand me? You are very important to me; you are my love. And you're not alone here; it's not only you who's fighting this damn disease; when I get down on my knees and ask God to heal you, I fight for you, I can't be without you, and I don't want to deal with life where I don't have you, in the meanwhile, I will continue to cry out to heavens for your life with all my being and soul

Isabella: I can only say that I love you with all my strength, Nicolas, I said in tears hugging him tightly and kissing him intensely

Hours later, we ended up in the hospital; the pain was so ripping even the maximum dose of the medication I had at home wasn't able to take it away from me, and finally, some medicines at the hospital had the agony fade to a dull throb. Still, it made me more tired and sleepy. And that was that the last place I wanted to go right now, but having Nicolas there holding my hand reassured me that I didn't mind being there or anywhere else. Even though my physical aches did not end, His presence was my overdose of peace.

Days later

It was 8:19 when the raindrops tapped on my window, waking me up and a cold chilly breeze permeated my entire body, I got up to get a warmer outfit, and the clock on the nightstand declared that it was almost time for the doctor's appointment.

Luiza: good morning Isa

Isabella: good morning aunt. Where are my parents?

Luiza: your father is at the office, and I think your mother is in the bedroom

Marcele: not ready yet?

Isabella: good morning Miss Marcele

Marcele: There's only half an hour left; you know I like to arrive a bit earlier to my appointment.

Isabella: calm down, I'll just finish breakfast and get changed; I promise It won't take long, okay

I swallowed the meal very quickly and got ready to go, we couldn't get there minutes in advance as my mother preferred, but we were still on time. I told him everything that had happened since the last time we saw each other; I told him about the visits to the hospital until the new symptoms.

Dr. Sebastian: we're going to run some exams for you

Marcele: more exams?

Dr. Sebastian: Yes, to assess whether there is improvement or deterioration in the condition. We're also going to initiate a minor surgical procedure to put a catheter in you, Isa; this will shorten your visits to the hospital.

Isabella: how long will I have to keep this doctor?

Dr. Sebastian: for an as-yet-undetermined time

Isabella: it seems painful

Dr. Sebastian: not as much as it sounds.

Isabella: Am I getting worse, doctor? I questioned seriously

Dr. Sebastian: to be honest with you, and from where I see it, the tendency is to feel more and more tired, sharper pains and new symptoms will appear; all we are doing is trying to control the growth of the tumor, giving you some comfort and quality of life, he said leaving us with thousand gloomy thoughts

Isabella: I understood, I replied, crestfallen

Dr. Sebastian: Can we set the operation date for this week?

Marcele: certainly

Isabella: but we had a trip scheduled for this week. Can I travel after the surgery? we all got in silence

Dr. Sebastian: I don't think it would be a good idea; for now, Isabella, your symptoms aren't good; I think you should wait a little longer, okay?

Lorenzo: he is right

Isabella: damn! I snapped, really irritated

Marcele: Isabella! she called out in a reproachful tone, but I didn't care

Dr. Sebastian: The operation will be tomorrow morning, so, in the meanwhile, let's wait for the results.

Marcele: okay, thank you

Lorenzo: have an excellent day doctor

Dr. Sebastian: for you too

It was noticeable how upset I was that we had to postpone the trip.

Lorenzo: hey? My dad said as we got home

Isabella: yeah

Lorenzo: You'll get better, and we'll be able to travel, okay? Don't be like that, he said, and I just nodded.

It was crystal clear that things weren't getting any better; I noticed from how he talked about the tendency to get worse; it was pretty evident that it would be worse; all I can do, for now, is to pray and wait on God.

I sat melancholy at the kitchen counter, watching my dad preparing something for lunch while talking with my mom about work next to me. I was literally in another orbit, only my body was there, thinking about how it would be from now on. I was counting on the trip to get out of this routine and forget about the problems for a while, but now it seems too good to be true, and I still needed to get used to the idea of having a catheter following me wherever I go, which didn't seem very pleasant.

Marcele: are you alright?

Isabella: yes

Lorenzo: what do you think about having a nice family program this afternoon?

Marcele: great idea, and what do you suggest?

Lorenzo: let's say I only thought about the part of doing something with the family, she said, and my mother smiled