Worse than death

Joel sat in his office as he twirled his pen in between his fingers. His gaze was on the document before him but there was no concentration, he seemed so lost in his thoughts that he was just looking at that single file from the morning.

Joel jolted and sat surprised when he heard a loud bang on his table. He looked up to meet Juan who was looking at him with a blank gaze. His eyes then trailed to the sound source and found the glass on his white table broken. He raised his brows when he saw the paperweight in the middle of the crack.

Needless to say, he knew who did this.

"Why did you break this brother?" Joel asked Juan as he got up and walked towards the couch.

"You were deaf," Juan answered simply and followed him and sat on the single sofa.

He gave a side glance at Juan who seemed to be disturbed by something. But Juan was not someone who would take initiative in asking about personal matters. So he kept quiet.

Joel sighed and rubbed his face in frustration, "Brother..."

"Hmm?"

"I am so confused"

"Oona?" Juan asked Joel making Joel chuckle.

"Nothing could escape you could it?" Joel asked as he tried to flash a cheerful smile like usual.

"Don't smile when you don't want to. It looks ugly," Juan said making Joel glare at him.

"That was not the point here!" Joel said lowly and slouched on the couch.

"sigh* Brother... What should I do about Oona? I really don't know." Joel ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes.

Juan looked at his brother who was looking so down. Juan sighed inwardly. Joel was always the cheerful one between them. But seeing him like this made Juan frown.

"Talk to her."

"You think I didn't? I tried, Juan, million times already."

"Is it because of that?" Juan asked in a low yet careful tone.

Joel looked at him with his eyes bearing endless pain, "She will never forgive herself. Two lives... Two lives... were gone just like that. She... I... don't know Juan. How will I make things right? She just gave up on us. No, she just threw me out of her life..."

"You made the biggest mistake of your life. I know how much you hated yourself then. I know that losing them pushed you both into the pits of hell. But you pushed her to no end. You, who should have stood beside her... left her hand..."

Joel's eyes teared up, "I know. I know that I killed her the moment I... blamed her... I know at that moment... I lost her... Forever..."

Joel closed his eyes as tears escaped the corner of his eyes. He covered his face and bowed his head.

"Why, Juan... If only I had stopped her on that day... They both would have been alive now." Joel said in a hoarse voice as tears endlessly poured bringing all his pain out.

Juan didn't know what to say. Nothing could be done now. Nobody can change anything. The dead always escape the pain in the end. But the living multiplies it by millions and live through it to the end of their life.

Fate is not cruel to the dead. But to the living who are left in this sinful world.

The dead are killed once. But the love that was left behind kills the living every second of their life slowly, but surely.

Juan sat next to his brother and rubbed his head in strong yet comforting strokes.

"I can't live a life without her brother... She is the world to me... She is everything..." Joel whispered.

Juan sighed as he didn't know how to comfort his brother. Though he knew that Joel did wrong then... Joel was also equally hurt. His pain was not any less than Oona's. They both lost the two most important people in their life in a fraction of a second. No amount of comfort was enough then.

Every breath they took after that incident was worse than death. Moments passed as Joel let out his sorrow and Juan sat beside his brother giving him silent support.

After an hour, Joel pulled himself together and glanced at Juan with his red eyes and pale face.

"How is it going with Lyra?" Joel asked remembering that it has been more than a month since Tara's and Juan's breakup.

Juan just glanced at his brother, "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Joel asked not quite believing it.

By now, Lyra must have already known about the breakup. She didn't confront Juan still? He doesn't believe it.

Joel looked at Juan with doubt plastered all over his face.

Juan snorted slightly, "We talked. That is all."

Joel's ears just picked up the first part and he decided to ignore the second part.

"You both talked? When? What did you guys talk about? Does she know about everything? Has Tara told her?" Joel fired questions at Joel and looked like an eager student who was waiting for the teacher to tell them stories.

Juan felt like smacking his brother. And he did it.

Pak*

"Ahh! What was that for?" Joel asked his brother with a pitiful gaze.

"Shut up and do your work," Juan spat at him with a cold voice and walked to the now broken table. He looked at the pile of documents and took a document with him.

"Stupid," Juan whispered and walked away. Joel gave his brother a goofy smile annoying him further. Juan then ignored him like a plague. He didn't even bother to glance at him once when he left.

Seeing the door closing automatically, Joel looked at the handle of the door unblinkingly. Seemingly lost in thoughts, Joel sat there like a statue.

His worries were not only about the past. Joel was also thinking about something else.

When they made love yesterday night, Joel didn't use any protection. In fact, they were doing it until dawn. And every single time he ejaculated inside her. What if Oona gets pregnant?

Joel was scared thinking about it. If Oona gets pregnant, he was sure that she will escape from him forever. And Oona is brilliant when it comes to hacking and computers. If she wants even Joel won't be able to find her. So Joel was scared of losing her.

Joel let out an exasperated sigh and got up. He sat on his office chair and continued looking dazedly at the documents.