Confusion

My whole schedule has been destroyed. I wake up earlier than I normally would have. Earlier than my alarm would go off.

It's really unusual. And unsettling to be honest. It's as if my perfectly planned life is slowly destroyed. As if I can't regain the usual. It's really unsettling. Because it feels like that it will never really be the same.

I shake my head. No. I might not have my sleeping schedule fulfilled but that would not change my whole life. Yesterday was yesterday and today is another schedule. I shouldn't concern myself too much.

Therefore I have a few spare minutes. Minutes that I usually never have – and never need. I lay in bed for a few seconds. A few moments of silence go by. It's not bad really. Relaxing and everything. Regaining a piece of mind and all.

At least that should have been the case. But now? I feel restless. There is nothing I have to do right now despite my schedule saying to sleep. However, I cannot fall asleep. I cannot fulfill my schedule.

Normally I find silence relaxing but now? It's as if everything is telling me that I am a lost cause. That I ignored my schedule. My schedule has everything in my life planned. My schedule is on equal terms to my life. Without my schedule, I feel restless. I feel out of place.

I'm a flawed piece of existence.

It's insane. Whenever I see something out of place, something that doesn't fit I have to correct it. It's an obsession. An obsession with perfection. I want- no I NEED everything to be perfect. To be fitting. To be satisfying. Like gearwheels fitting perfectly into each other to create a harmonious effect. And I am a gearwheel as well.

Do I know when this all started? No. Not really. My memory of those times is a bit hazy. Especially when I was a kid. I never really told my parents about this. Or at least I think that I haven't told them yet. Maybe I should have done it when I was younger. Told them that I'm not their perfect little daughter. But that I too have problems. That I too need help at times.

I shake my head. This shouldn't be the thoughts of an honor student. It's my duty to become the perfect gearwheel. That's something I shouldn't forget. After all my father always tells me to be perfect for everyone.

Caroline has no such sense of duty. I don't blame her for this. At times I even admire her. Admire how she can just adapt to her schedule how she pleases. That she can do what she wants to do without feeling bad about missing other stuff.

I open my pad. It will never lead to something useful if I'm alone with my thoughts without a task to do. The only thing I could reach without making sounds was my pad. So the only option for something to do was my pad.

With a small swipe, I beam the display onto the ceiling. I silently chuckle as I think about what we learned in our history lessons. Apparently on earth people were using inferior pads that came in various sizes.

The most popular ones were "phones". But they weren't mechanical holograms that only had a small metal stripe as their 'body'. They were small bricks and helped people accessing questionable information. Some information that wasted their time. Some that made them mistrustful. Some that were false. It was a good thing that phones didn't exist anymore. Especially because at times those phones fell into one face when people were looking at something in bed.

I tried to regain my seriousness. It was not good to laugh about others' misfortune. I should not laugh about others that had a brick fallen onto their face. With a repressed smile, I continued my search.

'Terrorist organization attacks another government building' read an article that popped up instantly. It was probably the same organization that had attacked a government facility yesterday.

I clicked on it. After all, it was always good to stay informed even though my mother told me not to worry about it. It wasn't really long so I easily skipped through it.

The building that was attacked was only a small warehouse. There was no listing of what was stored there but only a few statements from a few officers. That those people were 'dangerous individuals' that had to be 'taken care of'. That sooner or later they would become more dangerous than they are already.

There were no casualties which were fortunate. Still, the article stated the terrorists to now become even more dangerous. Which was a bit confusing to be honest. They had attacked a government facility before. And now a warehouse? Yet this article seemed more unsettling than the first one. As if they had stolen something precious that wasn't named.

I shook my head. What a ridiculous thought. The government was probably looking out for their future attacks. Maybe they just wanted to raise awareness so that no casualties could also be kept in the future.

This could also be a difficult quest considering the terrorists' skills. They could break through the security system easily. They were seen by no one and left nothing behind that could indicate who they were.

The more you thought about it the more unsettling it became. It was a big organization yet not one member was known. It was like a disease. A disease that had no symptoms at first. That you couldn't identify. Everyone could be a member. Someone in my school could be one. My neighbors could be one. Everyone could be. And no proof would help them and their goal. Whatever this was, it had to be something that could convince hundreds probably…

I sigh as I look at the clock. Perfect timing. Now is the time when I would usually start to get ready. I'm back with my schedule. I just have to try that this day does not turn into a disaster as well.