Don't leave me behind

Wanda and I are in the special training room for people with powers. She is making movements with her hands and a surge of red power blasts towards me. I take a deep breath, reach inside and have a wave of fire throw Wanda's attack aside. Immediately I make a swim like movement and fire flies towards the red witch. She puts up a shield and it has no effect at all. Using her powers she takes off to the sky, because of the high ceilings the building has this is possible, and circles me. I turn around really fast and let a tornado of fire fill the room. However, Wanda had expected me to do this. She protects herself and lands right behind me. When I turn around to face her, I make a wrong move with my foot and fall to the ground. Wanda leans over me with a big grin and says: "I think you need to pay more attention to Natasha's classes." A last wave of her hands ties my hands together and renders me powerless. I'm panting because I'm exhausted, but somehow I manage to let out an annoyed huff. "She's right you know Ivanov." My eyes go to the door and I can see Natasha standing there, watching us. I have no idea how long she has been there, but I'm pretty annoyed that I lost this battle against Wanda because of a physical mistake, because honestly: I was doing pretty well with my powers. I grumble something not understandable, and after Wanda gets up and looks at me with a smug expression for a little bit too long, she let's go of me. Slowly I sit up and I rub my wrists. The things I wish she would do to me with these hands… But 9 weeks have passed and she still hasn't made a move. I give her clear sings, but even though I want to make the first step I just can't. What if I got this all wrong, what if I lose her… I'm sure that losing her will be the end of me. In these weeks we have gotten even closer in every way possible, she knows me better than I have ever known myself. Part of that is because I never had the chance to know myself of course, but Wanda took it upon herself to help me discover myself. She wants me to taste every food possible, so I can have a favorite food. The same with animals, colors, views… We spend all of our time together, often joined by Natasha, and every night I fall asleep with her arms around me, keeping me safe. One day I decided to try it without Wanda her company, but it didn't go well. I managed to be alone for three hours, and in that time I had haunting memories, flashbacks, panic attacks… You name it. When she could feel it was too much for me to handle she was there again, soothing me. Wanda her voice snaps me back to the present. "What do you want Natasha? It's still my training session." She asks it friendly but there is a little annoyed edge to it, she hates being interrupted when she is teaching me. Nat understands this of course, she is the same way, so she doesn't comment on it. "Maria wants to see you in her office." I get up and immediately pick up on the unsettling feeling that is going through Wanda. "Can't she wait until we finish training?" I ask Nat friendly, after all she is my friend and she's only the messenger. The super spy shakes her head. "Sadly enough not, it's urgent. If you want to I can already train you Lidiya, that way you don't have to come back later today." I nod at her, showing my agreement, and turn towards Wanda. "Thanks for the lesson today Wands, it was really intense but I liked it." She gives me one of her smiles that she keeps reserved only for me. "I would say you just gave a perfect description of yourself milyy. Intense but I like it." I laugh at her comment and give her a big hug. "See you soon devochka." She leaves the room and I can see her muscles tense up.

I turn my attention back to my friend. "What does Maria want?" She gives me a soft apologetic smile. "I'm sorry Lidiya, I don't know. I passed Maria on my way to the gym and she asked me to send Wanda to her, she didn't tell me why." There are so many options and possibilities, and I know that the most realistic one is that she wants to send Wanda on a mission. For weeks the Scarlet Witch refused to participate in any kind of mission, no matter if it was a rescue mission, an attack, or just something to gain information. She wanted to stay with me. And even though I appreciated it more than she can even know, I'm very much aware of the fact that her staying here because of me made a lot of missions a lot harder than they had to be. None of the Avengers pointed it out to me, they were all very sweet and kind, but I couldn't help having the feeling that they were judging me. Blaming me for Wanda's lack of participation… And even though it was partly true, I have told her multiple times to just go… but no. I know that Natasha was thinking the same thing, of course, Wanda getting a mission was most likely what was happening right now. Yet Natasha didn't talk to me about it and I was grateful for that. "So what do you want me to do today chief?" I asked Nat jokingly. She really became my best friend over the last few weeks, if you ignore the maybe-best-friend-maybe-one-day-lover relationship I have with Wanda. I love Natasha her company, she has a very good sense of humor even though a lot of the people living here don't get it. If you manage to look through the armor she puts up she is actually a very sweet and caring person. "Since you literally just fell over your own feet, I think we're going to work on your footwork a little more." I groan, I hate these exercises.

Natasha is a very good teacher, but she is merciless. It doesn't take long before I am sweating like crazy, my heartbeat pondering in my ears. After 45 minutes of working out Wanda still isn't back. I'm sitting down on the floor, simply dying from exhaustion while Natasha barely broke a sweat. "Znayesh', eto deystvitel'no nespravedlivo, chto ty poluchil etu supersyvorotku. (You know, it really isn't fair that you got this knock off super serum.)" I complain to her, we started using Russian towards each other more frequently when we are alone. "Ty absolyutno prav. (You're absolutely right) Going through extreme psychological conditioning until they turn you into a weapon of their own making, until there is nothing left of you beside an empty shell… Being tied to a chair so they can put that stuff inside of you over and over again even though you are crying and shouting your lungs out, and getting raped in the most cruel ways because you dared make a sound… Absolutely something to be jealous of." It's very clear and obvious that this is a sensitive subject for her. It's the first time she ever shared that much about her past with me, so she must be having a lot of trust and faith in me. I know that Natasha isn't the kind of person to apologize to, it will just annoy her, so I decide to go another way: "Well at least you got something out of it. You know, super speed, super strength, being a bad ass assassin… I came out empty handed, quite the disappointment honestly." Natasha looked into my eyes for a moment before she burst out in laughter. "That's the spirit!" I grin, proud of myself for handling this situation as well as I did. That is when it hits me: the feeling of complete desperation, hopelessness, frustration. It's so overwhelming that it feels like I am drowning in it. It takes a while before I realize that these are Wanda her emotions and not my own. "Ivanov!" I blink a few times, and slowly Natasha her face is coming into focus again. Apparently I lost consciousness. I'm lying on my back and Natasha is hanging over me. The expression on her face is as close as it can get to worried I assume. "What happened Ivanov?" I keep lying down, and after a while I notice that tears are leaving my eyes. "Wanda, I felt her emotions suddenly surging through me. She is feeling so desperate Natasha… So hopeless, so frustrated… What is going on? What did Maria tell her?" I look at Natasha as if she has all the answers in the world, but she shakes her head. "I'll bring you to your room, if that's okay for you. I'm sure Wanda will be going there." I try to get up but immediately I can feel my legs give up. I grab her arm and thank god she is this super strong person, otherwise both of us would have fell to the floor. "Steady Ivanov, one step after another. You can use my arm for support." Slowly we make our way to my bedroom. I know it would be a lot faster if she was carrying me but I'm very grateful that she isn't: it's a thing between Wanda and me. When we finally arrive, Wanda is nowhere to be seen. I can feel my own desperation getting worse and fear is settling in. Natasha doesn't need to be a mind reader to see this, so she guides me to the couch. She gets me a glass of water and puts it on the small table, after which she joins me on the sofa. She doesn't say a work, she doesn't have to, she just sits with me and waits.

After 40 more minutes Wanda finally enters the room, and by this time I'm close to losing it all. "Lidiya…" she whispers when she sees me waiting, and she walks towards me, closing me in her arms. "Thank you for staying with her Natasha." "Mmm." Nat isn't making any indication that she is leaving and Wanda doesn't comment on it. When the witch lets go of me she joins me on the cough. "I'm so so sorry Lidiya, but I have to go on a mission." She's straight to the point, she knows me well enough to know that it's what works best with me. Even though I'm having the feeling that all of my air is leaving me, I try my best to put on a brave face and I nod. "I understand. How long will you be gone for?" Sadness fills Wanda her eyes. "I don't know yet milyy. It will depend on how well it will go, how fast we can go home again." It's not her fault, but it feels like a knife going through my heart. "I really tried my best to get her to assign it to someone else, but it turns out that they really need me for this mission. I'm so sorry Lidiya." I can feel her trying to read me, but for the first time in more than 2 months I block her out. I don't want her to feel what I'm feeling now, she has to go there is nothing to do about it. And my emotions will only make it harder for her. I can see shock and sadness on her face when she realizes that I'm not allowing her in. "I'll stay." It's the first thing Natasha says and I look at her. "I know I'm not Wanda and I can't replace her, not trying to do that. But I know we get along so that way you won't be entirely alone. And don't forget that you have the entire Avengers here for you." I give her a very soft smile, it's entirely fake. She knows. "Thanks Nat." I turn around to face Wanda again. "When are you leaving?" I didn't know it was possible but somehow she looks even more sad and desperate than before. "Now." I swallow, I did not see that one coming. "I just packed all of my stuff. Actually I was supposed to leave immediately but I couldn't go without saying goodbye. I had to see you Lidiya. I need you to know that I don't want to leave you, that I really have no choice." Only now I notice that she changed clothes and she is wearing the suit that she was wearing when she saved my life. I try my best to put up a brave face. "It's okay Wanda, I understand. I'll walk you out." I get up and walk to the door, being followed by Natasha and Wanda herself. We go to the garden, not saying a word throughout the walk. When we finally reach the outside I can see the Quinjet ready for takeoff. Tony is talking to Steve about something, both of them suited up. Inside I can see king T'Challa with his bodyguard Okoye, Carol and Bruce preparing everything for takeoff. When Steve notices us approaching he turns towards us and Tony enters the Quinjet. "Wanda, the one we were waiting for. We are ready for takeoff, you're the last person of the party. And we really do need to leave, time is of the essence. Nat, Lidiya, we'll see you soon." He turns around and also enters the plane, this being a clear message for Wanda to follow him. She faces me, placing her hands on my cheeks, looking into my eyes. "You are so important to me Lidiya, I promise that I'll be back as soon as I can." I nod towards her and pull her in a hug. I breathe in her scent once more, savoring the comfortable and secure feeling it gives me. After this Wanda turns to Natasha. "Promise me you will take care of her." Nat rolls her eyes when she hears this question. "Of course Maximoff, you just take care of yourself and come back as soon as you can." Wanda nods and after giving me one last quick hug she enters the plane. When the loading dock is closing she is waving at me, and I wave back for as long as I can. When she's completely out of sight it only takes a minute before the Quinjet takes off. I look at the place it disappeared to and I promise myself that I'll try to make the best of it. I really will. Natasha turns towards me and asks: "Do you want to get something to eat?" I want to say yes, I really do… But no voice is leaving my mouth no matter how hard I try. I nod towards her and follow her inside… These will be some long days.